Tag Archives: Recap

Simon’s Harshest Criticisms from the America’s Got Talent Premiere

Last night, Britain’s meanest man returned to American television. Simon Cowell officially replaced Howard Stern at the America’s Got Talent judges table and he had some harsh critiques for contestants.

Simon’s harshest review of the night was given to a five time tap dance champion.

Simon1 copy

He was not afraid to judge his fellow judges


Even children weren’t safe from his cruel critiques.


He wasn’t afraid to get political.


Could he be any meaner?


But by the end of the episode, Simon found talent that even he could not deny.


Kevin Cole

11 Mean Things Ricky Gervais Said at the Golden Globes

Ricky, you got some ‘splainin to do!

  • I can’t stand Jeff [set production assistant], what a twit!
  • You thought Tina and Amy were tough? Well they were just the kool-aid, it’s time for Jim Jones’ final service!
  • (Giggle) Just a (giggle) with the hair like a (giggle, giggle) his (giggle) it’s just a raccoon fucking a donkey, innit?
  • There are plenty of wonderful films up for awards tonight like The SHARTian — my mistake, that’s The Martian
  • I swear if Jeff crosses my eye again I’ll have ‘im done in like Princess Di.
  • Course y’know, american cheese is just (giggle) emmental and red leicester shat out by a diarhettic buffalo that’s just (giggle) that’s just seen a raccoon fucking a donkey, innit?
  • Oh Angelina, that dress is simply horrid!
  • Goo goo, Gaga!
  • Yeah, John Hamm’s put on a few, maybe he should lay off the beef.
  • Git over here Jeff, you little shit! I’ll bash your goddamn head in! (hysteric giggles) I don’t care!
  • (giggle) righ’, righ’, so (giggle) her (giggle) just like a li’l, like a l’il, (wheeze-giggle) in her, in ‘er (englishteeth baring giggle) wot, like a, like a, (giggle, giggle) FUCKING RACOON FUCKING A FUCKING DONKEY? INNIT? INNIT? innitinnitinnitINNIT?

It seems that after last night’s festivities, Gervais should start planning his apology tour.

Kevin Cole & Lydia Hadfield

The Greatest SERIAL Recap: Escaping

I know a lot of you are relying on me to cover Serial in a timely manner so you don’t have to listen to it. Good news off the top: Episode 4 won’t be released until next week. This means I don’t have to cram two episodes into the allotted word count and my editor won’t be pissed that I slacked off on Christmas. I caught up on Episode Three during my drive home from work yesterday.

Fair warning to those of you with children closely following the Bergdahl case: this episode features harsh language right off the top. Similarly, if you have trouble stomaching torture and years of diarrhea, this would be the episode to skip.

Episode Three details how Bowe’s experience with the Taliban was less than pleasant. Chained to a bed, given little nutrition, his time spent in their company was a lot less enjoyable then his YouTube videos with them would insinuate. Turns out those videos were nothing more than propaganda, and not the good kind, like American Sniper.

Hold on—is that a guy with an INFOWARS bumper sticker? What are those other bumper stickers? I can’t even read them. These people need to learn to condense their messages, if they want anyone to learn about their Illuminati conspiracy theories via bumper stickers. The guy driving the car looks like one of the old kooks you’d expect to be contributing to Infowars. A guy living off the grid, but has enough of a presence to be a conspiracy theory journalist.

Anyway, during his time in captivity, Bowe Bergdahl is asked to answer to rumors about America. “Are all the women prostitutes? Is President Obama gay?” An Infowars reader would likely take the time to grill the Taliban for not asking the right questions: “Is President Obama a lizard man, conspiring with the shadow government to control the world?”

Eventually, things get so bad for Bergdahl that he hatched a plan to escape. This is really proving not to be his thing. Sure, he makes it out of their mountain fortress but he’s eventually (surprise!) captured by the Taliban. Sure, he’s not wrong for trying to get away, but he’s not blessed with much luck. Especially once the United States begins to withdraw troops from Afghanistan, or at least, that’s what Sarah Koenig promises to tell us about next week.

Kevin Cole