Tag Archives: Regret

5th of July Beer-Shits at An All Time High

Another year has come and gone in America, and with it came backyard barbeques, parties, and celebrations to recognize our independence. Unfortunately, after consuming copious amounts of meat, cheese, and alcohol, the greatest problem facing our nation is “the day after beer-shits.”

The 5th of July has become synonymous with aching bellies and hours spent on the porcelain throne, as the fermented yeasts and aged beef fight one another for dominance in the gut. Along with the actual disgusting dumps and diarrhea explosions, we humans subject ourselves to the foulest gases exiting our bodies from both ends, and the ever present danger of hoping you just have to fart, but then not being sure if it was just gas that came out. Now, with all kinds of vegetarian options being throw into the mix with tofu and hummus, the 4th of July has become a danger zone of activity for the human body, with our toilets (and dignity) paying the price the following day.

With such a crisis on our hands, we need to band together and get the President, Congress, and the House of Representatives to declare the 5th of July a National Holiday as well. We can’t possibly continue at our current rate of over-doing everything on the fourth, only to be expected to show up not hungover and ready to perform our regularly scheduled work, not feeling like a pile of garbage. There are a lot of pressing issues facing our nation, but claiming the 5th of July as a new National Holiday should be at the top of the list. Our country (and bodies) can’t survive another year of throwing caution to the wind on the 4th , and expecting to be fully recovered by 8am the next day; it just isn’t possible.

So, as you sit in the bathroom reading this article, be sure to open a new email in between waves of nausea and intestine-cramping, and send it to your local representative, demand that they support our initiative to make the 5th of July a national holiday. Have another beer while you’re at it; we both know you aren’t going anywhere for awhile.

‘Murica.

T.M. Scholtes

An Open Letter To Harry Potter Fans

Dear Fans, Muggles, and Potterville subscribers,

Over the years, I’ve made a lot of statements regarding my well-known Harry Potter series that have left people questioning why they even bothered to read the books in the first place. Yes, Dumbledore was a homosexual, and OF COURSE I should have shipped Harry/Hermione like the rest of you. They were the obvious choice for each other: the hero and the heroine. Why Hermione would have willfully ended up with that red-haired goofball is beyond me.

With over five years to reflect on my final book, I can’t shake my biggest regret: I never should have killed Voldemort. I mean, it seems awfully harsh. Surely, somewhere inside that basilisk-charmer was a heart. Perhaps the right spell could have awoken the organ that had long since been put to rest. I’ll leave the rest to undoubtedly furious fan-fiction authors, whom I have betrayed over and over again.

Harry. Kills. Voldemort. What a cliche, am I right? I thought I could avoid this with my complex Snape-Dumbledore deathmatch, but even that could not sway the inevitable good-guy-defeats-bad-guy finale. “All was well?” What a cop-out! I’m ashamed of myself. In the midst of Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows, Chapter 36: The Flaw in the Plan, Voldemort says, “Only I can live forever.” I should have listened to him. That was the ultimate Flaw in my Plan.

Voldemort should have lived. I know it in my heart. Another bad guy’s life cut short. Perhaps he would have tormented Harry for five more books. Maybe he would have redeemed himself, like Darth Vader. Maybe, then, even he could have ended up with Hermione.

-J.K. Rowling

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