Tag Archives: Religion

#MotivationMonday – Christ Is Comin’ Back!

Listen up folks, I’m going to be honest with you, this week is going to get bleak. Ungodly bleak. I’m talking “your idol was brutally murdered by his own people” bleak. This week will be fine for the most part but in the end it’s going to turn on a dime and things will change quicker than you ever thought a logical justice system was capable of.

I promise that after all the heartbreak, self-flagulation, literal bloodshed, and biblical torture porn is done, things are really going to turn around. Next week is going to kick off in a big way. Christ won’t be dead for long (Spoiler alert: he comes back next week)! All you have to do, is survive this mundane, awful week and I promise it will be much better next time around.

That is, if you subscribe to that religion. Shit, you may be an atheist – so to you I say “L’chaim!” because things are on course to stay pretty much the same. You’ll have the typical highs and lows all manifesting of your own creation and that’s great. A Friday that’s a real bummer for most will actually be a good Friday for you! You are in control of your own destiny, you are a god, or you could be if you believed in that kind of thing.

Perhaps you’re Jewish and read all the way through this to see if you were included. Don’t worry, dear Jewish reader, I haven’t forgotten you! Break out the Mevushal Wine because it’s Purim time! Purim is “the most joyous and fun holiday on the Jewish calendar” but don’t take it from me, take it from JewFaq.org! If the purim meal is anything like the Passover Seder I enjoyed as a young Methodist, you’ve got plenty to look forward too. And if Purim is very much the Jewish equivalent of Thanksgiving (as I have gleaned from the film For Your Consideration) you’ll have a week of leftovers to look forward to as well. Fast not, fear not, and a very merry Purim one and all and may all your Friday’s be good!

Kevin Cole

#NoExcuses

Hi God! It’s me, Mary. I just wanted to thank you again for giving me this wonderful opportunity to be the mother of the savior of the world. It’s the second best honor you could have ever bestowed. First, of course, would’ve been being the savior myself.  Ha ha ha, I’m just kidding, I’m really just happy to have some kind of role in your greater plan. As long as I get a statue in every church is what I always say.

Anyways, I’m praying to you tonight because it has been about two and a half months since I gave birth to sweet baby Jesus, and I’m having some problems with my post-baby body. It’s just not bouncing back like I hoped it would. My dream was to be the hot mom at the playground, the one all the mannies wanted to sip Jamba Juice and sit on a cold bench with. Amid nursing, diaper changing and nursing Joseph’s ego, I’m having problems fitting in time to exercise. I know, I know: #noexcuses, but I feel like giving birth to the Son of God is a really good excuse and should exempt me from certain human problems such as dumping 40 extra stupid pounds of baby weight.

I mean, of course, I’m forever thankful that you chose me to be the Virgin Mother, and baby Jesus is a blessing to both Joseph and me, even if Joseph is still taking the whole “the baby isn’t yours” thing a little hard. I’m simply proposing that maybe you can help me take a few pounds off from my hips or maybe make my shea butter lotion a little stronger so that it reduces the stretch marks faster. I don’t need my six-pack abs back right away but it would be awesome if you could make one crunch equal to 20 and one burpee equal to 100. That way I won’t have to do as many to get my bikini body back.

I know this is a lot to ask because you were really heaven-bent on Jesus being born the “natural” way, but I feel like you owe me. Now that the Beloved Son has been born au natural, you can do me a solid and give me back my body the mystical God way. No one has to know.

It’s simple really.  You see, your Holy Child has ruined my body and I want that part of me back. You and that stupid angel took that from me when you placed your tiny magical fetus in my uterus without even really asking! Your command has taken both a mental and physical toll, and the only thing that will make me happy again is if you give me what I want: a super-hot bod that makes me look like an angel. And not one of your angels—a Victoria’s Secret Angel! 

Oh, I am really sorry, I’m just so tired and irritable right now; I didn’t mean to be so harsh. I really just need a good night sleep. Can you give me approximately 10 extra hours in a day? I’d be super chill just getting that, I guess. Anyways, I’m sorry to bother you. I know you’re probably busy creating a new birch tree somewhere so it’s okay if you have to take a few hours before you can answer my prayer.

You should stop by sometime. You don’t always have to look on from the heavens. I know Jesus always enjoys your visits and Joseph isn’t so bitter about you coming around anymore. It would be nice to see you.

P.S. If you decide to bless me with a killer post-baby body, Beyonce’s is super tight and an inspiration.

In the name of the Father, Son (wink, wink), and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Briana Haynie

Good Christian? How Many Of These Things Are You Giving Up For Lent?

Lent is upon us and for the next six weeks Christians will be giving up anything from chocolate to watching TV. We’ve compiled 52 essential things to quit for lent, see how many you’re giving up and tell your friends how good a Christian you are!

1-3: Fallen Angel; 4-10: Decent Christian; 11-20: Good Christian; 21-30: Altar boy; 31-40: Disciple; 41-51: John The Baptist
52: Pope Francis

  • Flossing
  • Faith in Christ
  • Lean Pockets
  • The type of art where you make paintings out of your vomit
  • Sharing things on Facebook before doing 5 seconds of research to see if it’s made up
  • Telling everyone that the fish jumped out of the water and somehow got its mouth stuck on your penis by itself
  • Roller-blades (but not skates)
  • Making every bun a pretzel bun
  • Using the words “correctomundo” and “fo-sho” — See also: “epic”
  • Alcohol over 18% (ok, maybe 31%)
  • Indulgent chuckling
  • Ironic appropriation of AAVE
  • Having sex with your friends’ boyfriends (I heard Jesus would really appreciate it)
  • Pro-life bumper stickers
  • Complain-a-bragging
  • Eye contact
  • Chocolate flavored prophylactics
  • Asking to speak with your manager immediately
  • Taking all your self-loathing and personal frustrations out on the Kardashian/West family
  • Thinking about the country of Africa to make you feel better about your problems
  • Answering incriminating questions
  • Self-respect
  • The physical limitations of gravity
  • Using coupons
  • Your virginity
  • ALL television (but, like, TV-television. Not computer television. that’s different.)
  • Buzzfeed
  • Über and everything they stand for
  • Instagramming my breakfast
  • The Annual
  • “Wonderwall” by Oasis
  • Plotting revenge
  • Making ‘Fetch’ happen
  • Catching up on Game of Thrones before the next season
  • Having earbuds in for the sole purpose of not talking to your co-workers
  • Dipping triscuits in straight-up frosting
  • Wiping
  • Cleaning the litter boxes
  • Pooping in the litter boxes
  • CRAZY TALK
  • Football
  • Pumpkin Spice Lattes and Ugg boots
  • My Sherpa
  • My Sharona
  • My Giant
  • The Mayan Calendar
  • Mylanta
  • Lionel Ritchie’s Greatest Hits
  • Tickling bystanders
  • Walking up to unsuspected people whispering “I like the way your breath smells in the morning.”
  • Taking selfies of selfies
  • Drinking Jack and milk

Lisa Burl, Kevin ColeIsabel Duarte, Hannah Gutman, Lydia Hadfield,
David Luna, James McGarvey, Christine McQuaid, T.M. Scholtes

Scientists officially declare Intelligent Design theory “literally unintelligent”

(AUSTIN, TEXAS) – As Doctor Dean Appling took his morning shower, he began his usual ritual of loudly singing “Roxanne” by The Police while soaping up his body. While hitting the high notes of the chorus, Doctor Freeman moved his head in such a way that water from the shower head got into his mouth at the same time he was singing, causing the water to enter his lungs. Dr. Appling began to choke, and after a few seconds unable to breathe, his oxygen-starved brain had a realization – human bodies were not designed intelligently at all.

“Well, it’s just the perfect song to sing in a shower,” expressed Doctor Appling, in our exclusive after-shower interview. “It has high notes, low notes, it’s upbeat, and all the different chords really resonate in a good tiled bathroom.”

We asked Dean to skip ahead, and get on to his discovery.

“The thing is…if our entire universe, and more specifically, the Human body, were designed ‘intelligently’ to be the way they are now, why does every single thing about the human body seem unintelligent?”

“Let me start with the breakthrough that led to this discovery – the human windpipe and human digestive tract all start at the exact same place. The pathways for air AND food cross in the pharynx; but why? It seems that this would save space within the human body, which would be pretty handy based on evolution…but if some other being designed us this way, it astronomically stupid. We need air and water, and could easily take them in together, the way creatures of the sea do, but for some reason, this creator decided to make everything harder by forcing our bodies to distinguish the two, and mistaking one for the other can lead to our death! This started me thinking – what else about the human body seems to point out that no one would have intelligently designed us? At its core, even the idea of Intelligent Design is literally unintelligent.”

Dr. Appling is the professor of Biochemistry at the University of Texas at Austin, and a world-renowned researcher in favor of evolution. He has travelled around the world learning about many different cultures, but most recently began studying anatomy to help refute the claim of intelligent design.

“These questions bring up even more general questions – why do we need to eat? Why do we need to breathe? There are single-celled organisms that can do without these very basic human needs, so why were we designed to need them? Why do we feel extreme heat and cold? Why do our cells die? Now, I have had some of these questions answered by various religious leaders. ‘We die in order to appreciate life.’ Like, what? So ‘God’ or this ‘Intelligent creator’ made us so frail in order to appreciate our frailty on Earth? So God is essentially a teenager playing The Sims on his computer, watching us do pointless things for his entertainment? He made the Earth have tasty fruits and vegetables so we could experience these wonderful things, but also poisonous berries and dangerous animals to kill us? How does any of this make sense to anyone?”

Evolution and Creationism are both hotly debated, with no clear winner or loser, and with a lot of support on each side. Intelligent design is a theory that attempts to bridge this gap, with the Discovery Institute in Seattle, Washington, leading the charge to get this new idea accepted as real science.

“The world doesn’t make sense without [Intelligent Design],” says Steven J. Buri, President of the Discovery Institute. “Think of it this way; if the universe was created by a ‘big bang’ then who created the big bang? If the universe has always been around, doesn’t it make sense that something would’ve have been around with it in order to create life as we know it? In order to even think about science, someone had to give us a brain, and the reasoning skills to learn and write and teach. Think about this – the brain is the only part of the human anatomy that named itself! Evolution can’t explain that!”

“His arguments make no sense!” replies Dr. Appling. “Evolution can explain ALL of that. I don’t have the time to get into it, but trust me. I wonder if he can explain that if God created Humans in ‘His” image, does God really have an issue of choking on his own spit? You think an omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent, omnibenevolent being has that issue a lot? Or needs two different orifices to get rid of waste from ‘His’ body? How does Intelligent Design account for needing a urethra and a sphincter? Why can’t it all be combined to come out of one? Why do we have waste at all? Shouldn’t our bodies be a perfect consumer of energy? Then again, why do we need energy? Science has answers, evolution has answers. Unfortunately, ‘God’ cannot be reached for comment to see what answers he would give.

The Annual has reached out to the Catholic Church to get God’s answers on some of the matters, and we received this response from the Diocese of Rome:

“God loves all his creations, even if they do not believe in him. God gave us freewill, in order to make our own decisions, and deal with this life in our own way. These bodies are not our final form; we are all spiritual beings, and will be awakened at the end of time. It is God who will be awaiting us in heaven. May peace be with you all?

And also, fuck Dean Appling. He’s a dick.

Sincerely, Pope Francis.”

“Oh give me a break!” Dr. Appling has now torn out bits of his hair. “Fine; what the Pope said doesn’t necessarily disagree with evolution, and he certainly didn’t even mention intelligent design. But that was sort of low of him to call me that.”

Dr. Appling has had his team at the Institute for Cellular and Molecular Biology working around the clock for more answers, and have really just come up with more questions.

“The Church and Mr. Buri cannot just wave away these fundamentals questions of our origin by saying the word ‘God.’ There is more to life than that. And I will spend the entirety of mine digging for the truth.”

All we at The Annual know for sure is…The Truth is Out There. The X-Files miniseries will premier Sunday, January 24th 2016 only on FOX!

At the time of publishing this, Dr. Appling had stubbed his toe on his bedframe and cursed God’s name for designing such a ridiculous pain mechanism for the human body.

TM Scholtes

Rockefeller Christmas Tree: “I’m Just a Humble Soldier Fighting in the War On Christmas”

At first when they were cutting me down I was really hurt. I had spent so many years in my family’s yard just minding my own business and occasionally offering shade that I felt betrayed. They’re cutting me down? Really? After all pine needles I’ve given them? But now I understand. I was always meant for something bigger, something greater, something holier. I was meant to be the largest, brightest and costliest soldier in the War on Christmas, the Rockefeller Plaza Christmas Tree.

From the very first day they stood me up in the plaza, I just knew I was special. People stopped and stared as the lights slowly adorned my branches. Suddenly I had a purpose in this world, to remind people that Christmas is here to stay.

I am on the front lines, ready to drop this Swarovski crystal star on any unsuspecting ice skater that dares to utter the words “Happy Holidays.” Ready to break a bulb over anyone who dares walk past me saying, “Let’s go to Starbucks.” I’m just a humble soldier in the trenches of the war throwing shade at anyone who insists on writing X-mas. It’s CHRIST-mas you dumb tourist, keep Christ in it.

Who would have thunk that a little/big spruce like me would grow up to become a symbol of the season?  Did you know that once I die, I’m immediately given a hero’s welcome to Christmas tree heaven where it snows all the time and the trees get to take turns holding baby Jesus? ButI don’t need all of that, I’m just happy to be able to serve.

Fellow soldiers fighting the great fight in this decades long war on Christmas, bring me your nativity scenes, your Merry Christmas signs and your Christmas trees that you’re forced to call holiday trees and I will shine my lights on them so that they will know that they are not alone in this fight and that I, the greatest Christmas tree of them all, am the one true soldier to lead the masses through this ever under attack season of Christmas. Also, I’ll introduce them to Al Roker; he’s a really funny guy just like you see on TV!

I have vowed to stand guard here in this Plaza amongst the tourists and streets lined with bacteria not yet identified, until my last dying breath; which will be on January 6th 2016 when they take me down and give me the funeral of a true Christmas soldier, becoming a Habitat For Humanity home. 

The Rockefeller Christmas Tree

I Would have Saved Jesus

Ben CarsonMr. Trump and I don’t agree on every issue, but it has recently come to my attention that we both hold the power to alter the course of history. Donald proposes that as president he would have prevented 9/11 from occurring but looking back at the course of history I know I could do better.

Perhaps one of the most impactful events in our planet’s history was the crucifixion of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I recently spent a good deal of time in silent reflection on this issue and can confidently say that if I had been around in those days things would have gone differently.

Seated in power as Emperor Ben Carson, the Christ Case would not have even made it to court. Instead, I would have stood up to the pharisees early on and said “Hey folks, this guy has some really good ideas, I think we should listen to what he’s saying and maybe let him stick around for a while.” It’s really not that hard to see how things would be different. As the Son of God, Jesus would not have perished on the cross and speaking as a doctor, I’m certain he would not have perished at all. Had I been in power at the time, Christ would have lived on to personally discover the Judeo-Christian nation we live in today.

When my time as emperor was up I would have had the foresight to put in place laws to prevent the actions of the Caligula administration that followed. What we need in the White House is a leader who is willing to look back and see what things might have been done differently in the past to save our present.


To maintain a sense of accuracy, please read in a dreary mumble.

Dr. Ben Carson