Tag Archives: Ryan Lochte

THINK TIME! Ryan Lochte Should Be Exiled

Olympic gold medalist Ryan Lochte has been under intense scrutiny for the past week following false claims that he had been robbed at gunpoint. Lochte is downplaying the incident on various news programs, stating that he “over-exaggerated” an event which never occurred.

“I over-exaggerate all the time,” Lochte told Matt Lauer of The Today Show, “I flew home from Rio a few nights ago, but that didn’t stop me from telling my friends that I swam back. See, just another classic Lochte-exaggeration!” But few are buying the 32 year old’s defense. Many are debating how the false claims should be handled. Will Ryan Lochte be tried in an international court? Will he be stripped of his medals and banned from competition?

I think the most fitting punishment is that which has not yet been suggested, that Ryan Lochte be forced to live out his remaining days in exile. The olympian should be allowed to keep his medals as a reminder of the life and future he once had. Armed with his medals and a fair supply of food and water, Lochte will be dropped off in a remote section of the Nevada desert. There he may dream of water but never swim within it, unless he is able to discover a cavernous river beneath the rocks. There, he will spend the remainder of his life, gaining both a newfound perspective on life and an impressively long beard.

For decades, local children will tell tales of “Old Hermit Lochte” but few will venture out to see him. Those that do, if Ryan has learned not to take humanity for granted, will learn to swim in the cavernous rivers beneath the state and there, they will become stronger than any swimmer to come before him. Having let go of his pride, Old Hermit Lochte will award his gold medal to the child. Only then will he be permitted to return to society.

Kevin Cole

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This Sunday On The Last Hurrah – Robbing Ryan Lochte!

Perhaps the most talked about event from the summer games has been Ryan Lochte’s 5,000 mile dash out of Rio. So this Sunday, when The Last Hurrah brings their free comedy to Frederick, MD, they’ll also bring an in depth look at the robbery of Ryan Lochte. Should he have his medals stripped? Tried in an international court? We’ll look at really happened that day, move over Dan Brown because the newest champions of historical fiction have come to town!

Also, don’t miss stand-comic Nicky Costanza’s final performance on The Last Hurrah stage! The fun starts this Sunday (Aug 21) at 7pm at the Maryland Ensemble Theatre!

METGIF

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