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Completely Serious Advice with Sam Walker #7

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Question 1:

I have to buy a gift for my sister-in-law. I don’t like my sister-in-law. What could I get her that would hurt her or just make her feel bad?

There are varying levels of cruelty.

  1. The classic Russian doll situation, with a twist. Make a box-inside-a-box situation that goes maybe seven boxes deep. The important thing is to end it with a jewelry box. Inside leave a $5 bill that says, “Bitch, you think I’d get you jewelry?” If you are revered for your catty sense of humor, she will be the coward who couldn’t take a joke. If nobody finds the gift funny, shrug and offer, “I’m just such a Samantha!”
  2. If you are wealthy, give your sister-in-law an envelope filled with a large sum of money, accompanied by a note that says, “For your horribly unfortunate chin. Or your nose. We will accept the nose.”
  3. The Long Con: Find a nice, smallish porcelain sculpture and a glass-cutting knife. Next, purchase a brand of superglue with a low Amazon rating. Remove a part of the statue, glue it back together and wrap it up. Your sister-in-law will love it, and if she doesn’t, corner her after and give her some made up story about how you inherited it from your great-grandbubby. The key is to make her care about what you gave her. All that’s left to do is sit back and wait for the statue to fall apart, at which point you have a valid reason to yell at your sister-in-law as much as you want. How could she disrespect great-grandbubby by taking such poor care of her heirloom? This gag is virtually untraceable. If she ever thinks to confront you about your gift, all you have to do is say something along the lines of, “Who would ever put so much thought and effort into such a crazy act of patient passive-aggression to plan such a long-term conspiracy?”

Question 2:

I have a small penis, and I’m sick of it ruining everything. What can I do?

Check your e-mail.

Question 3:

I will be meeting my older boyfriend’s parents for the first time soon, but I’m worried about how I may come across to them, as there is a five-year age difference. I don’t want them to get the wrong idea, and I want to come across as his peer, not some naïve little girl he picked up. I mean, I keep thinking be yourself is the best policy, but I could use some pointers.   

You will want to approach this situation with the most mature mindset you can muster, and honestly, that’s just not possible if you are trying to be yourself. No offense meant, but if you were to go on “Jeopardy!” would you be yourself? Of course not! You would be your speeding, just-stayed-up-for-72-hours-straight-cramming-random-archives-of-divergent-trivia-so-you-could-maybe-make-some-money-but-more-importantly-not-look-like-a-dumbass-in-front-of-all-North-America-self. Well, this dinner is “Jeopardy! Family Edition,” but instead of winning money, you can play for small amounts of respect and self esteem.

Now, I doubt your significant other’s biological scions will be quite as difficult as Trebek, so breathe easy there. If your boyfriend’s last name is Trebek, however, bail immediately, no matter how small you think the chance of crossing paths with the fabled quizzer may be. No one can stand up to his sheer levels of maturity. Trebek is more mature than 10 librarians simultaneously shushing a kid skating past a cracked window. It is said that in first grade, one of Trebek’s classmates shouted “penis” to the uproarious cheers of his classmates, only to have the already graying fledgling host stand up and say, calmly but with authority, “Calm down children. He merely made mention of basic anatomy, and while varying for boys and girls, they both can be grouped together to be referred to as…I was looking for ‘What are genitalia?’”

But enough about the mythology of Trebek. You will have a rough time at this dinner if you aren’t careful with your footing. You can’t be too agreeable, or you seem like some spineless hussy. Yet if you are too abrasive or contrary, they’ll just think you’re a bitch. Almost any stance or persona you can adopt could backfire. For example, you could take on a save-the-earth stance to seem educated and well-meaning, but there is a chance that they could think recycling is for Commies and that global warming is a myth. The political or current event route might make you seem like an overbearing know-it-all. Really, there is only one way this could go well: appeal to the natural human compulsion for greed.

You need to act rich, and I’m not talking a few million either. Try the kind of wealth that would put Scrooge McDuck to shame. Think so full of money that you could casually command two butlers to fight to the death without a second thought. Now, a person can say they’re rich, but that’ll only get you so far. To truly sell your apparent wealth, you need to do what all rich people learn before they can walk. You need to know more about manners and random etiquette than any person should.

Instead of studying all the arcane rules of socially navigating the elite, all you have to do is make your boyfriend’s parents think they are wrong, that your knowledge of such things is superior.  I suggest the following: lure them into a sort of social trap. You are going to spout random facts during dinner. While doing this, seem as obnoxious as possible, so much so that your boyfriend’s parents insist on checking your facts. As soon as you notice one of his parents look down at a smartphone, you have won. All you need to do is act quite taken aback and mention how you have never seen anyone use a phone during dinner.  If they think they are in the wrong, they will cease to question and you will have success.

 Eventually, they will need proof of the money, which can be a problem. Just say something along the lines of your family lost all their wealth and now you are poor, but have gained a heart of gold through the turbulent times you have faced. They may view your trials as a wonderful bit of character development, but most likely they will hate you.

Well, I hope this helped some people out there. Have any issues or questions? 

E-mail them to CompletelySeriousWithSam@gmail.com.

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Completely Serious Advice With Sam Walker #6

CompletelySeriousFinishedish

Question 1:
I’m in college right now, and I don’t live far enough off-campus to warrant catching the bus. At the same time, it’s a pretty lengthy and boring walk. Have any suggestion that could make this better?

Game time! Just because you are in big boy school now doesn’t mean that you still can’t let your imagination run wild to eradicate the boring out of a situation.

  • Quick question: How do you feel about mysterious, heartfelt blues music and classic detectives? If you answered anything other than yes or have any feelings of uncertainty, prepare to be jazzed. You are going to procure a bunch of blues music, load it on to a mobile player, and blast it to set that smoking alley feel. Now, start your walk. Remember that you solve cases now, and the Don wants your head after you schmoozed his main squeeze on your last job. The Don is a dick, the kind of guy who puts hits out on schmucks unfortunate enough to make that kind of mistake. So now you have every two-bit headhunter in this bottom-shelf city hot on your heels. Keep your internal monologue strong, and try to react to your surroundings in character. Have fun playing pretend and freaking out fellow pedestrians!
  • Ready for some metal gear action? Make it to school every day without being seen. Bring a Nerf gun or something, because you’ll have to hunt down anyone unfortunate enough to see you and blast ’em up. Sure, you may be late all the time, but you’ll be so sneaky! You could say you were in the class five minutes early; the shadows merely didn’t want your presence known.
  • Break out a marathon runner outfit, cover yourself in water, and sprint madly into campus. See if and how people try to jump out of your way. Occasionally shout out something like “It’s for charity!” to see if people pay more attention.
  • Try to notice if anyone walks the same way you do. If such a person exists, choose a random day and pretend she/he is chasing you. Make it seem like a matter of life or death. Just look back, make eye contact, scream and run. Because you know the path they will take, stop sprinting when you get out of line of sight, and act like you are catching your breath. This lets you repeat the same surprised scramble to your heart’s content.
  • Hire a small band to follow you to class in the morning. Personally, I’d have the band write a theme song—your morning is just the intro to your life/sitcom!

_________________

Question 2
This government has just completely lost me. I’m done with everything, and I want to get off the grid completely. Please tell me you know how this would work.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, stranger, pump those breaks! It’s not like I can at all locate and leave a message for you, buried under the third spruce tree located to the left of the grill facing your house that may or may not be something akin to a starter kit and further instructions. I mean c’mon, that’s just borderline rude.

____________________

Question 3
My girlfriend and I stumbled into a bit of an unplanned pregnancy. I have to tell my parents pretty soon, but I have no idea how to go about this. Any thoughts?

Any thoughts? Try ALL of the thoughts ( and by “ALL,” I mean two).

Option 1: Tell your parents you’ve decided to devote your life to achieving a scientific breakthrough. Next, let them know the area you intend to study is human cloning. If they are unimpressed, tell them they should be, because, y’ know, cloning. Make up some story about getting a grant or some sort of investor, so that money won’t be a problem.
Construct a large container for your girlfriend to stand in for the duration of the pregnancy—the “spawning pod.” Your parents can’t know your pregnant girlfriend is inside. That would ruin everything. Buy a voice modifier for your girlfriend, and voila! You have instant A.I. Throw in an arsenal of blue lights. Hollywood has conditioned us to associate blue lights with “the future.”
Now that you’ve laid the groundwork, brew nine months’ worth of coffee and develop a supervillain-like obsession with your scheme. Again, Hollywood lends its aid. Any movie about cloning has the government-associated adversary whose job is to capture and destroy successful cloning subjects. After the baby is born, tell your parents that the American government will allow the clone to live on one condition: you must look after it and never let its true nature be known to anyone else.  All you have to do is lie to your child about his/her origins until the end of your days, and with hardly any effort or adverse effects worth mentioning, you have the hardest part of fatherhood miles behind you.

Option 2: Plead ignorance. Blame your parents—they were too busy watching Law & Order SVU marathons to have “the talk” with you. Combine with a vastly lacking health education class at dangerously underfunded high school (for the purposes of this option), and claim you are just an unfortunate victim of a 1920s-level understanding of the human reproduction system. Just break it to your parents that, as far as you knew, the stork was totally a thing.
To avoid lifelong ridicule, you will have to demonstrate near perfect levels of cunning to explain how all of this could be just a mild misunderstanding. With enough key phrases however, I do feel this could be possible. You could potentially explain away reckless abandon as misguided scientific belief—in other words, this is the Holy Grail of the “my bad” situation.
First off, start learning basic information about the migratory patterns of large birds over the course of a year. If you do this, you can use the phrase “migratory patterns” accurately, which makes you sound amazingly more knowledgeable about your mess up, because who just casually drops migratory patterns down in regular conversation? Next, start memorizing unrelated facts about the mating rituals of random birds and use them in out-of-place conversations about the release of pheromones. Convince the average person that human and avian cross-pheromone-simultaneous reproductive activation could totally be a thing. After fabricating enough evidence, say that there was no flock overhead, so you didn’t think your girlfriend’s ovaries were primed.

____________________

Well, I hope this has helped some people out there. Have any issues or questions you need advice on? E-mail them to CompletelySeriousWithSam@gmail.com

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Completely Serious Advice with Sam Walker #5

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Question 1:

I am about to head off to college. I have always heard that it’s completely different from high school, and I don’t know what I should expect. What can I do to help myself, both academically and socially?
_____________________

College coming-of-age romps are a cornerstone of American cinema. If this genre has taught us anything, it is that starting out college not knowing what to do in college is basically the best way you can enter college. You have become a protagonist without even knowing it! Luckily for you, I have quite a bit of experience with these sorts of things, so let me throw out some scenarios to watch out for.
Maybe you see an amazingly attractive woman on the quad or whatever place you crazy kids use to avoid class these days. Try to introduce yourself to her. If this seems hard and is entirely out of character, you are in luck! Anyway, if when you are trying to talk to her a giant douche-machine appears out of nowhere, calls you something really uncreative, then puts his arm around her as they walk away, have yourself a little party, because you are going to end up with her. No Neanderthal ambush? No worries, the other way this can work is running into her at some sort of group function, and then he acts like a dick. Both are quite plausible.
If someone approaches you with an idea for something, do it. These days, all the college film focus is on offbeat ideas some obscure group hatch and become super rich. Not some kind of genius? Latch on to someone who is and ride some coattails!
Perhaps you find yourself interested in a frat, but don’t think you’re “cool” enough to get in.  Just make your own frat! It matters not if you are a nerd or some kind of social outcast, because there are a bunch more people like that surrounding you. This may seem daunting, and it may incur the wrath of those preexisting brotherhoods, but this is exactly what you want. If they come after you, who do you think the public will side with, a group of people just trying to have fun and avoid loner status, or a bunch of salty, entitled social terrorists?
So as you can see, you have a bright future ahead of you. Even if none of these things happen to work out, you could always get an office job and then be wrangled into some sort of odd made-up thing that ultimately allows you to have the college experience you have always wanted. No matter what, just don’t become a creepy stalker that makes hair dolls from their prey. Looking at you, Jason Schwartzman.
____________________

Question 2:

So I was out at a bar a week ago, and I ended up bringing a guy home with me. Admittedly, I had a pretty good time, so I gave him my number. I told him upfront I wasn’t interested in dating. The thing is, he won’t stop texting me, and he is getting far too attached—even texting me that he is having these weird dreams about me. Needless to say, I haven’t seen him again. I brought him to my place, though, so he knows where I live, and I have seen him around my place. It’s starting to freak me out, and I don’t know how to get him to stop.
_____________________

The old “I think I am in love with you and am having dreams about you” situation, eh? There is only one truly effective manner to deal with this, and that is to fight crazy with crazy. I particularly like this one a whole bunch, so I’ll throw a few base ideas your way.
If he is watching you, you can always give him a show. What comes to mind will require some errands. First, go to the store and pick up corn syrup, red, blue, and green dye, and some flour. Buy a whole bunch of red candles as well. Next, go to a local costume store (if there’s not one around, there are tons of sewing tutorials online), and buy some red robes with hoods (4-6 should do). Call in a few favors to get some people to your place so they can fill the robes. Last, and probably the hardest one to acquire, is a goat. I don’t know if there is a rental place for goats around you, but I have faith in you. You’ll get one. Oh, and a tranquilizer gun. That will be key.

Wait until nightfall, and invite your accomplices over. When you know he’s watching, start making it look like you and your buddies are having a casual get-together. Maybe throw on some music, get some drinks going, the usual bullshit. Once you have things feeling regular, walk over to the stereo and dramatically turn it off. Loudly proclaim, “It is time!” or something like that. Have your buddies don the robes and make a circle around a low table, which you will cover with the candles (it’s key to leave a large open space in the middle). Lead the goat in to the center of the circle to a nice layer of background chanting.

Obstruct view of the goat and pull out the good ole’ tranq. Now, PETA may get mad about this, but it’s just a tranq, everyone sleeps, cool your jets. Put the goat to sleep, and place it on the table. Pull out your handy bowl of fake blood (which you make with the ingredients I mentioned), hand it to a select friend, disrobe and kneel. It’s important that you are naked. If you feel weird about it, he has already seen you naked, so that’s stupid. Plus, showing your naked body to people in a circle really helps sell this as real to an onlooker. Have your chosen acolyte pour the blood over your head, arise and scream, “The ritual is complete!”
Presto! Stalker gone! At least he should be. I will admit, this strategy is a double-edged sword. If he is just crazy, he will run. If he is super crazy, however, you may now very well be his dream girl. Guess you’re just going to have to roll the dice on this one.
____________________
Question 3:

I am starting to date this girl and I want to take her out, and I’m looking for exciting, unique things to do. I’ve been going through the possibilities in my head over and over, but I keep coming up short. Any suggestions?
_____________________

Keeping things new and exciting is key to making sure your significant other doesn’t run off with some random Portuguese dude. I have a few ideas I have been storing for a rainy day:

  1. Write a puppet play, make puppets, and perform the puppet play for her. Go with some kind of puppet rom-com, except the further this play goes, the more will transition into puppet erotica. She will never see it coming, because no one sees that coming. It’s a perfect transition into something a lot more intense, and worst-case scenario, she will remember you forever. You know, on account of the puppet erotica.
  2. Inform her you rented two unicycles for a ride around town. Don’t worry if you didn’t actually get the unicycles, because she is going to say no. No one unicycles. The bonus is she will think it was sweet you tried, and you don’t have to do anything!
  3. Tell her you aren’t a sexist and that you are offended that it should fall to the man to make the plans. Also, throw in that such actions would only further perpetuate the male-dominated media.
  4. Take her out to a bar. Make sure she looks really nice. Buy a small transceiver and attach it somewhere on her person so you can hear from a distance. Instruct her to stand alone at the bar, and encourage a sultry expression. Whenever a man walks up and asks her if he could get her a drink, she will say yes. Once she has it sprint up and grab the drink, and issue a staccato “Psych!” It both gets you free drinks, and delivers a hilarious moment to savor. It even boosts your girlfriend’s self-esteem. Probably.
  5. Go out and grab yourself a pair of gas masks (or some other device that may help to prevent airborne particles take hold in your body), and tell her to prepare for a spelunking trip. The twist is, you are actually going to take her into the sewers. That’ll show her for unconsciously placing this much pressure on you by dating you just like you wanted!

So there you go, five golden ideas that could never go wrong ever. Most likely.
____________________

Well, I hope this has helped some people out there. Have any issues or questions you need advice on?
E-mail them to CompletelySeriousWithSam@gmail.com

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Completely Serious Advice With Sam Walker #4

Question #1:

There is a squirrel in my attic, and he as been there for two weeks so far. I can’t find him when I go to the attic, I have no idea how he is getting in, and I can’t sleep much at night because he is always loud. How do I get rid of this horrible squirrel?

____________

Answer:

Straight up, I don’t know too much about squirrels, so bear with me. Before this goes any further, yeah, you could call pest control, but that would be taking the coward’s way out. Who wants to admit that they were shamed into cowardice by a squirrel? Drop that phone.

You should first try to find out what type of squirrel calls your attic home. I would guess you’re dealing with an Eastern Gray Squirrel. They are fairly common in most of the United States, favoring the backyards of houses as a foraging ground, for relative ease and a lower predator presence. These squirrels have been known to set up nests (known as a “drey” in the scientific community) and forage in a localized area around the “home base.” These specific squirrels are also extremely fond of hiding things, which leads to exploration—resulting in your current predicament. Seeing as the squirrel has been in the attic for two weeks and your every search attempt ends in failure, I think it’s accurate to say the squirrel knows more hiding spots than you do.

Honestly, there isn’t much you can do in this situation, if you rely on conventional methods. No, this squirrel is too smart, too resourceful. There is only one way out now: Raise and train another squirrel to be a one-critter war machine, whose sole purpose is the elimination of its own kind, should they invade your lands.

Are you ready to raise your own little ruthless animal companion that you will manipulate and brainwash into becoming the living embodiment of vengeance on this earthly realm? Sure you are! You’re going to need good stock to start with, which means searching for a very specific type of squirrel. First, let’s look at what you need to beat. The species of squirrel you are dealing with tend to average 380-525mm in total length, with a weight range of 300-713g. Therefore, the best squirrel to choose to defeat your current pest is the fox squirrel, with a total length anywhere between 40-75cm, and an average weight range of 500-1000g, so it has nothing but advantages. Lucky for you, the fox squirrel is found in the same areas as your current suspected perpetrator, so let the hunt begin!

Start your search by looking for freshly hatched squirrels (“hatched” isn’t the most accurate term, but it sounds cooler for the birth of your avenger, who is part Stuart Little and part Batman). You will need to find a suitably sizable young one and kill both of its parents, leaving hairs of the gray squirrel behind. You will then nurse the baby fox squirrel back to health and find a way to teach it to fight with mini-weapons. I won’t tell you how to train this loose cannon—making you figure out a way to do that is about 46.2 times funnier than if I told you. I will give one hint: Training montages. To the max.

Once you feel he is ready, deploy him to the attic and hear the sweet sounds of justice at last. One important thing I feel I should mention: Do everything in your power to make sure he never learns you killed his parents, because he will become Squirrel Batman. You don’t want any kind of Batman against you. Ever.

_________

Question #2:

My female friend wants me to wingman her at a bar, but I have only done it for men. I feel it’s a totally different thing, so what do you think I could do to make this work for her?

_________

Answer:

This great classic friendship-based tactical partnership with a new-age, cross-gender twist? Women are moving up! Personally, I don’t really see the need for a woman to have a wingman. As Confucius once said, “Women can always get laid. Every. Time.” Basically, normal wingman advice would be boring. We’ve all heard it before. Say good things about them; always deflect compliments received to the “topgun” of the situation, blah blah blah. Boring.

Instead, I shall invent a new wingman style for you wonderful conspirators, THAT TIPS THIS GAME ON ITS HEAD! THAT SUCCEEDS IN TURNING THE TABLES WITH NONE THE WISER! THAT…well, basically just does something that’s not terribly original, but original enough to get a name. THE INDY 500! That name totally makes sense, so I don’t want to hear shit about it. This is what it feels like to be a trailblazer!

As we know, most wingman situations are positive in nature, focused on carefully crafted compliments and subtle herding tactics to make the group shift how you want. We are going the go in the complete opposite direction, deep into the lands of the extremely horrid public displays of the utmost negativity. You see, you guys have a unique situation here. One of you is male, while the other is female. You see, with one small visit to pretend land, the prestigious outer-pretend land acting academy, and the far less prestigious pretend land liars guild: this game is yours to win.

What you do is pretend to be an item of at least 3 years, who on this particular day (your “anniversary”), has come into the bar screaming the worst made-up (or legitimate, because pulling punches are for people who pull punches) things you can. Whatever seems more real. The brutality of the breakup should be the main focus, and you my friend should be playing the part of the villain, to give all her “potential suitors” a uniting factor. It will literally be a race…to get from where they were to be closer to her.  They will also probably bunch around her for some protection nonsense, but it will allow her to get a close-up look and really make an informed decision as to what the best choice would be.

So, mission accomplished? Not even a little, Cowboy. The situation that was just created also serves as one of the best extraction set-ups in the world of scheming. Come up with signals. They can be anything you’d like and done via text. One is “Good job! Take the night off!” and the second is “Call me immediately and scream a lot on the phone to make things seem like a real emergency,” so your female partner has an instant get-out-of-an-awkward-mistake card to use. Set a third signal for the next day, which would basically mean they answered incorrectly the night before. I should mention that you can’t enact this scheme very often, or people will catch on. Then, they will probably tar and feather you.

_________

Question #3:

I recently found out that there is a surprise party being thrown for me. How should I handle this?

__________

Answer:

Whew! Here I was thinking we could get through one of these without a list, but surprise party with reverse surprise to foil a whole group’s feelings of teamwork and general community togetherness had to show up. I’m totally into that! You think that responding in kind with similar surprise isn’t necessarily the only way to deal with the situation, but it clearly is the most fun for you. What other options allow you to drink in the despair pouring from the recently outdone? Logic shows that a reverse surprise causes an equal or higher amount of surprise. That’s more surprise for everyone, and too many people suffer from a dangerously low level of surprise. It’s just the right thing to do. So about that list…

  1. When they shout surprise, pretend to have a heart attack! Classic! Keep in mind that if this in turn causes an actual heart attack, it is in poor taste to yell out, “Two times heart-breaker combo!” It’s a tragic joke.
  2. Take out your entire life’s savings to hire professional-level movie make-up artists. Give him/her a sealed briefcase loaded with pictures of the underside of a horseshoe crab. Instruct him/her to make a horrifying mask based on the provided reference and to make it in a way that a regular mask could be worn over it and go by unnoticed. This, of course, means you need a mask of your face. On the big day get suited up right before the event and walk in. You will respond with no response. After five seconds start laughing, and build it to full maniacal laugh by 20 seconds. Announce the surprise is on them, rip of your man mask to reveal your…horribly unsettling mask. Chase them around making hissing noises until it bores you, the law steps in or a sweet-looking new show is premiering on TV.
  3. Act sarcastically surprised…if you want to be a dick.
  4. Pick up a fake gun and badge, and don’t be too cheap. When they yell surprise you quick draw your gun and shout, “Freeze! Police!” After this point, you have two options. First, immediately start laughing to allow everyone who reacted to realize that they are, in fact, fools. Or, fake your new sweet undercover life for as long as you can.
  5. Genuinely enjoy the party, and express your gratitude and honor that they would think of you enough to throw such an elaborate event for just one person.

That should be enough for now. I would go with one through four, but that’s just me. I’m just a guy who gives advice.

 

Well, I hope this has helped some people out there. Have any issues or questions you need advice on?

E-mail them to CompletelySeriousWithSam@gmail.com.

This installment of Completely Serious Advice originally appeared in The Annual #4

Completely Serious Advice with Sam Walker #3

Question 1:

Should I date this bartender I know? She seems really flirty and nice, but I’m just not sure. Should I go for it?

_____________________

Yes, you fool. She is a bartender; she tends bars. Free booze. That’s about all that you need to know to make a well-informed decision.

____________________

Question 2:

I recently found out my father has been cheating on my mother. I want to say something, but I don’t know how to go about it.

_____________________

You have a few options here. You could either tell your mother (lame), or put into motion a ridiculously over-articulate plan that will scare him into stopping (badass). Lets go with the second one, as that is clearly more fun. If you are familiar with the Christmas story of Scrooge, then you may know the direction this is going in. If not, number one, go culture up, fool; and number two, it’s basically about a man who is shown the error of his ways by a series of ghosts. It will be tricky, but I think you have it in you.

Now, I’m assuming you don’t have an amazing special effects crew on hand, so you will have to find another way to sell the ghostliness. For that, I recommend getting a hold of some acid, as well as a taser; more on those later. You will then need to make either one ghost costume or many, depending on the script you want to write. Don’t stress out too much about the costume’s quality. On a night when you know your mother won’t be home, slip that acid you procured into the old guy’s drink, close to when he goes to sleep, and wait for the fun to begin. Keep a close eye on him, and when he starts to show signs of tripping (rubbing anything with an interesting pattern for longer than should be okay, screaming at the floor for trying to eat his feet, speaking to a couch as if it was Jabba the Hutt and he, Boba Fett, negotiating a bounty, etc…), make your move.

Pounce into the room in character and proceed to explain to your bewildered father the follies of cheating. If he freaks out and tries to attack you, use that taser you picked up earlier. If it doesn’t incapacitate him, it will make you seem like some kind of lighting god, and his fear will keep him at bay. Go on with your speech as you have prepared. Some good things to mention might be a horrible pocket of hell (if religion is his cup of tea) reserved for adulterers, a sad lonely death, walled out from the love of his family after he is found out, or even something like if he does it again, your badassery will return to give him a far more stern talking to with a lot more “lightning.” After you feel the message has gotten through, ask if he understands, and don’t take no for an answer. The next morning, bask in his terrified face and know that you have done right … or at least kind of right.

____________________

Question 3:

I can’t really bring myself to like people. I mean, they exist, but that is about it for me. I feel this is starting to stunt me as a person. Any advice on how to get around this?

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The feeling of disassociation with humanity can be common, and delving into misanthropy can be a dire path. One way to get past this is to think of making friends as a game. Pokémon, to be exact.

When you look at people as a set of stats and attributes, it becomes much easier to make sense of them. There are bunches of Pokémon, and as that game franchise has Pokémon types; there are many people who can often be linked with said types. There are the fiery hotheads, the calm water types, the hippy-like grass dudes, the flashily clothed, loud electric types, the often-stoned rock types, the nerdy psychic types and even the horridly bland normal types, just to name a few. Each Pokémon type has a personality, and your new goal in (social) life is to do just what you do in the games—collect them all. Now I’m not saying go up to these people, push another person at them, reverse your oddly nondescript baseball cap, and throw balls at them (although this may work on the freaky-ass bug type people; they are … odd), as that would just bewilder them beyond any point of following you into “battle” (social stuff, parties and whatnot).

So, once you classify these people, choose the types you personally find interesting and what types have an advantage with another type. A good example is the rock type’s ability to rope in grass types. Keep in mind that you don’t want to go with just one type—one always wants a balanced party so any challenge can be faced. After you establish an initial party, expand, and, just like in the game, attempt to grab them all up. Sure, you may be reducing human interaction to a strange, game-based break from reality, and you will ultimately be manipulating people to acquire the perfect group, but you are a people master now, and they are mere people to be kept in confined spaces and forced to interact for your pleasure.

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Question 4:

Recently, I was robbed for the first time. I feel really uneasy, and the police told me that because not too much was taken, the chances of finding the robber are pretty low. Is there anything I can do to make myself feel better about the situation?

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There is honestly only one thing you can do in a situation like this, and that’s vengeance! You have been wronged, sir or madam, and it’s time to turn the tables. Based on what was stolen, provided insurance was involved, you will receive a check for the value of what is missing. Now, most people replace their old stuff with this money, but not you. Vengeance has no business with making things as they were. No, you are going to spend most of this money on a few high-price investigation tools, such as a fingerprint set, magnifying glass and a Sherlock Holmes hat—stuff like that. Keep some of the money, as you may need to make some hires in the near future. Now start dusting for prints and looking for clues. This gives you an edge on the police, as they don’t look for prints in cases involving minor burglary.

Provided you find some prints, save them up and start getting in touch with the seedy underworld of your neighborhood. First, find a hacker who can get into the police database to find a match with the prints. Assuming something comes up (if not, roam the streets busting heads Casey Jones style and find you some answers as to who nabbed your box set of Firefly), you will then want to think about how you will confront the perp. There are a few ways you can go about this. Option one is to steal stuff from him, balancing the karma of the universe. Option two is to frame him for an even bigger crime, and lead the police right to him. Option three is good old-fashioned violence, which if chosen, you may want to hire some muscle. I wish you well on your hunt, oh vengeful one. May you not be arrested for what you must do. It’s a matter of honor.

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Question 5:

Recently, I have felt a little boring and that my day-to-day is pretty dull. I want to do something “bad” or unexpected to spice my life up, but I’m only in high school. Any suggestions of things I could possibly do?

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You sir, have come to the right place. There are plenty of shenanigans to be had in this crazy world, and lucky for you I happen to know quite a few quick fixes for a boring life. Here is a list of possible activities, some more hardcore/potentially impossible than others.

  • Start using fake names everywhere you go, with elaborate back-stories, different accents and different personalities. Start going to random new places, and try to meet as many people as you can. You may find that selling the lie is a whole lot of fun, like training to be a con man.
  • Pretend to be a pair of identical twins who both hate each other and can’t stand to be in the same room together. Make sure the brothers are polar opposites, so everyone is generally unsure what to say to you. With some simple Photoshop, you can whip up a few pictures that will shut up the naysayers.
  • Drop everything, find a flight to England, and spend the rest of your days attempting to find the fabled Excalibur. Sure, it may not actually exist, but if you find it you become the new king, which is British for lady city (or man city, whatever the sexual preference).
  • Start an elaborate underground go-kart ring with an “anything goes” type rule set. If you can get word around and it starts attracting some attention, start opening betting pools, as it can be quite profitable.
  • Play a variation of ding-dong ditch called ding-dong sass. It follows the same rules except when they open the door: you insult them as much as you can. Throw random snapping in to really sell it.
  • Throw a party with non-alcoholic kegs, but tell no one. After a while, when everyone thinks they are drunk, announce that there was no alcohol in the beer, and laugh at the shame brought upon them by their foolish acting.
  • Reenact and record an alternate universe of “Reading Rainbow,” with you in place of Levar Burton. Throw in sexually explicit puns and get in fights with all of your guests after tearing up their books, while constantly screaming, “Set that to warp, bitch!”
  • Skip school, and then walk into your principal’s office. Throw pounds (if not pounds, at least one pound) of fish at him. Tell him/her that it is a family tradition, and if he/she doesn’t buy it, ask him/her if they want the fish again. Then give them the fish again regardless of the answer received.
  • Spend your days studying biology, specifically gene splicing, and start to develop awesome animal crosses, like an alligator wolf or a cheetah shark. Assuming you genetically design them to be submissive to a master, you could choose to become a super villain, providing it strikes your fancy.

Those should hold you over for a bit. Good luck, future exciting dude.

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Well, I hope this has helped some people out there.

Have any issues or questions you need advice on? E-mail them to

CompletelySeriousWithSam@gmail.com

 This edition of Completely Serious Advice appeared in The Annual #3! Purchase your copy today!

Completely Serious Advice #2

Question 1:

I want to run for prom king at my high school, but I’m not the most popular. What could I do to make myself seem better to increase my chances of winning?

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I think the way of approaching this is to do as the pros do. If you have seen any political campaign you should know that one does not win by making oneself look good, but by making one’s opponents look bad (often by calling them a “Commie” or something else decidedly un-American). How do you accomplish this, you may wonder? Oh, my naïve friend, you do this through the planting of evidence and spreading of rumors. Here are a few I have graciously thought up for you.

If you are running against the stereotypical jock type, you want something that will emasculate him, or something that would play against his type. You have to be careful with this, because if you choose the wrong kind of thing it could help your opponent instead of hurt him. For example, you could start spreading a rumor that your enemy enjoys knitting. No one likes knitting. Who will believe he likes knitting, though? Everyone, after you break into his locker and toss in a few balls of yarn. Next time he opens it, his dirty, sweater-making secret will be revealed for the entire school to see.

What if there is a generally nice person who is running? Well, no one likes violence against animals—or more accurately, no one except him, after you’re finished. An easy way to spread this rumor is to ask him if he loves animal cruelty while you have a recorder running on your person. He will probably say, “I don’t love animal cruelty.” Edit out the “don’t,” and you are good to go. As with the other example, you will have to spread a rumor, but this time you have proof from your nemesis’ mouth.

I think you’re getting the idea here. Don’t just stop at these though—really get creative with it, and get to know your own style of subterfuge. Also, you don’t have to do just one—a few can really grind your foolish foes into nothing. I mean, you don’t want some kind of well-dressed insurrection going on. Good luck, future king.

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Question 2:

I keep getting bullied because I own and drive a scooter. How can I get people to leave me alone for my vehicle choice?

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I’m not going to lie about this one; it’s going to take a whole lot of time and effort. It’s a tall order. We are going to have to change the image of scooter pilots (I know that’s not the title of one whom operates a scooter, but wait for it) to all of America. To do this, you are going to need to pen a screenplay titled “The Scooter Pilot” (I told you, you impatient bastard). Write this with a hardcore summer blockbuster-type feel in mind. Your main character is going to have to get so extreme, the X-Games guys will see him and find themselves wanting him. He’s got to make ladies swoon and men want to be him. Think “Drive,” but replace a sweet muscle car with a scooter.

Once you have your script, you may wonder how you are going to get it made, seeing as you aren’t a big-shot screenwriter. Not a problem (at least for me)—you’ll need to get your hands a bit dirty. Everyone knows there are a few action stars in Hollywood that have enough pull to get any movie done—we know who they are— but for legal reasons I’ll go ahead and leave them unnamed (just a warning: Mel Gibson does not count. Only pick him if you want to be hated more). Now, you have a few options here. You could dumpster dive to find some kind of incriminating evidence, snap some incriminating pictures, or steal something very important to them. Once you get them seeing things your way, they will take care of the rest. All that’s left is to sit back, take some more bullying for the production cycle, and then watch those vehicular-minded emotional assassins wilt like a plant before a righteous drought of realizing they were wrong. Yeah, wilt you douchey flowers…

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Question 3:

I’m a girl and I really like this guy, and I want to go out with him. I know it’s kind of weird for a girl to ask out a guy, so what should I do?

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Straight up, what I’m about to suggest, if ever found out by your target (or significant other, whichever you prefer), will result in him requiring years of therapy. Go ahead; take a minute to crush down any moral qualms that may be arising.

How good are you at breaking and entering while going undetected? Depending on how you answer that question, this is either going to be really easy or not so much. I’m going to suggest that you incept this fellow, through a series of tapes you will play while he is sleeping.

You will want to start by making your tapes. Grab some sort of voice recorder and start speaking (in a gentle yet seductive tone) about yourself in the most embellishing way you can. Think about all your good qualities, and really throw some hyperbole their way. If you struggle coming up with enough, make up some—this is brainwashing. You can really go as far as you want with it. You’ll need to make anywhere from one to six tapes (depending on how much you come up with) that last about four hours or so; any more may get a little risky.

Now’s the tricky part, and seeing as I don’t have the floor plan of this guy’s house or any knowledge of the surrounding landscape, breaking in is really going to have to be all you. What I can do however is suggest general sneaking advice. Go with soft-soled shoes (or remove shoes altogether), to eliminate as much footfall as possible. Have an escape plan, which means knowing where any large windows may be and figuring out the fastest ways out. If you don’t like the escape plan thing, bring chloroform; it’s like a stealth mulligan! It’s also a good idea to bring something that can distract an animal, because he may have a pet.

After about two to five weeks of playing your sultry tapes into his brain cage while he is asleep, you should become his default dream girl. As long as he has some form of courage, he should be doing the asking pretty soon. There you go. Problem solved.

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Question 4

I finally worked up the nerve to ask the prettiest girl in school to the prom, and she said yes! The problem I have now is I don’t know what to do at the prom. How can I keep her from thinking of this as a mistake?

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If there is one thing 80’s movies have taught us all about the prettiest girl in school, it’s that she is always with the biggest asshole in school. It’s just what their instincts tell them to go for. You seem like a nice guy, so what this means for you is that you are going to want to completely change yourself, like a human douche my ride if you will. This means everything from wardrobe to personality.

Let’s start with wardrobe. The 80’s movie douche bag comes in three main varieties: jock, rich guy, and tough guy. I’ll cover this unholy triumvirate so you can choose, as they are all extremely different. If you go jock, prepare to be married to a letterman jacket of some sort, which can only come off if you are wearing something underneath to show off your muscles. Rich guys always wear a long sleeved shirt with a sweater tied around their neck, which can only come off if you are wearing something underneath to show off your muscles. Finally, there is the tough guy, who wears a leather jacket at all times, which can only come off if you are wearing something underneath that shows off your muscles. See what I mean? Completely different. Oh, a convertible of some sort is also a must.

Now that we have what you will be wearing out of the way, let’s get into how you will be making everyone’s life a living hell. If you see someone walk by in the lunchroom wearing glasses, and he/she is carrying a tray, you hit that tray out of their hands. Follow that up with a swift “nerd” calling. That goes for if someone is carrying a heavy load of books as well. Just generally knock things out of people’s hands. You are also going to want to kill all of your wit from your speech pattern, because wit is for nerds. It’s also a good idea to get your friends to agree to laugh at almost anything you say, or any hand knocking you may do, it really sells the image.

Do all of these things and she should be eating out of the palm of your hand. That is of course unless some kind of John Cusack or Michael J Fox looking person shows up.

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Well, I hope this has helped some people out there.

Have any issues or questions you need advice on? E-mail them to:

 CompletelySeriousWithSam@gmail.com

 

This installment of Completely Serious Advice With Sam Walker appeared in The Annual #002 and can be purchased here.

 

Completely Serious Advice with Sam Walker

Question 1:

I’m being set up with a girl way out of my league, and I don’t know what to do. My friend made reservations already, so it’s too late to back out.

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Whew, this is going to take a bit of legwork prior to the engagement, so get ready. First things first: Go to your local Chinatown. Don’t have one? Wrong answer; there is always a Chinatown. Next, find the biggest, most intimidating-looking fellow you can. You will then hand him $500 and a slip of paper (I will address the contents of this note later), and arrange to meet him outside of the reservation location. Scout out a secluded alley about four to five blocks from the meeting place, and try to judge whether or not it will be infested with muggers later. Follow up by plotting a course from the date location to your alley. Bonus points if it involves any fire escapes. Now, meet your hired man outside the establishment. Don’t worry about your date seeing you with him; you’ll be arriving late (as to how late, ask your date-making friend about her punctuality). Give your hired man written instructions as to the route you have selected, and instruct him to chase you and your lady friend— keeping a safe distance the whole time, of course.

Walk into the eatery, and approach your date. Tell her your location is compromised, grab her arm, and run out. Make eye contact with your henchman to signal that the game is on, and run your course. Try to be as reassuring as you can with your date—if you handle this badly, she may be a bit shaken up. When the alley is in sight, make a mad dash. Once inside, catch your breath and tell her that you think you lost him. Feel free to try to make up a fun story as to why a member of the Triad is chasing you; make yourself look like the good guy. About now, your hired man should enter the alley. Now the piece of paper you gave him earlier comes in, upon which you will write a short script akin to the following:

You: Is this about Hong Kong?

Triad: No.

You: Then what is this about?

Triad: Mr. Chen wants to see you, tonight.

You: Look, tonight’s not good for me; I’m a bit tied up.

[Gesture at girl]

Triad: Tomorrow, then. Be ready.

[Triad leave alley]

After this little scene, turn on your charm, and offer to make up your rudely interrupted dinner plans. This is the best time to flesh out your role. I recommend either the misunderstood bounty hunter or the human rights worker who had a run in with the mob, as these are fairly easy tropes to develop. Don’t forget to ask her about herself, but also make sure there is a feeling of impending doom as to your meeting with Mr. Chen. With any luck you should be home free by this point, so get ready for one passionate evening. This won’t last long, of course, as your lies unravel, but let’s face it, dude: She was way out of your league to begin with.

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Question 2:

All my friends are pressuring me to drink, but I don’t want to. What should I do?

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Man up and drink! Drinking is a magical thing. I mean, do you want a list of good reasons to drink? Because that’s what you’re getting:

  • You will be a better public speaker
  • Everything seems better
  • Everyone who drinks gets laid every time
  • You will be more graceful
  • Everything will feel more comfortable
  • Studies show everyone who drinks knows more than anyone who doesn’t
  • It makes you invincible
  • You get laid
  • You immediately know how to sword fight
  • You can recognize conspiracies more readily
  • You have better ideas
  • You gain the ability to tame a unicorn (provided you can find one, which you will be able to; you’ll be drinking)
  • You can learn to levitate
  • You can bust ghosts
  • Your liver will turn into gold
  • You get to have sex
  • Time travel totally makes sense
  • Bad movies become bearable
  • You will become worshiped, as a god, because you will become one

And those are some mondo-righteous reasons why you should drink, you chump.

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Question 3:

I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. I have suspected this for a while, but I’m just not sure how I can know.

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All right, this is a touchy subject, mainly because you cannot be seen investigating, or the jig is up. So, as to avoid this you are going to need to take the next flight to Tokyo. Once there, find the nearest underground ninja school. Train here for about a year, at which point you will be pretty good at going about unnoticed. When you get back in town, tell your boyfriend you are going to stay with a friend for the night. Leave, and then don your sneaking gear. Once outfitted, go to the roof, and wait for him to come out. Feel free to follow him until you have seen whatever you need to. If he does, however, pick up a lady, follow him and interrupt him mid-coitus. Show off your new skills, and scare the shit out of him. Revenge can be therapeutic: Now you know. Whether he was cheating before or felt the need to cheat during your yearlong ninjafying is neither here nor there, because hey, you’re a ninja now.

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Question 4:

I think this girl has a crush on me. We have always been friends, but she has been acting weird around me. I’d really like to know if she actually does, so what should I do?

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You are going to need to set up a rock-climbing excursion. This needs to be outdoors, and make sure to hire a climbing instructor. Pay him or her off to set up a little accident. While you and she are climbing, there will be a “mishap” with your support line (make sure there is a safety set up in case this fails and you do fall), so you are hanging from her. This is where the instructor you have paid off will yell, “You’re going to have to pull him up, but I don’t think you have the strength. Do you have significant feelings for him? If so, a burst of adrenaline may allow you to save his life!” With your life on the line she has to be upfront. She will confess her undying love for you, and boom, best first date story ever. Or, she lets you fall and wasn’t really into it.

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Question 5:

No one talks in my Spanish class, and it has started to make the teacher angry. She is really unpleasant in class now, and I want to do something, but I can’t be the only one who tries to talk. What should I do?

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Have you ever seen “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off?” In the movie, Matthew Broderick sets up an automated voice recorder in order to appear to be home. You need to create a more complex version of that. First, read ahead to the next few chapters in your Spanish textbook so you can guess what a few questions might be, and write down some questions that may come up in class. After that go out and buy as many tape recorders as you can, and record yourself answering some of the questions you made earlier (it is best to try to use a different sounding voice on each one). Next, sneak into your school and position the different recorders throughout the classroom. Then, rig an elaborate pulley system leading to your desk or something else that will allow for remote control. Spend a few hours memorizing where you have placed each answer. The next day in class, answer your profesora’s questions to your heart’s content and presto! No negative work environment. Of course, you will have to keep this up to ensure her good mood, so this really only works for as long as your sanity lasts.

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Well, I hope this helped some people out there. Have any issues or questions?

E-mail them to

CompletelySeriousWithSam@gmail.com.