Tag Archives: Santa Claus

Why I, Too, Will Be Boycotting The Mall of America This Xmas

This Christmas, many are calling for a total boycott of the famed Mall of America due to their decision to employ a Black Santa. I grew up with White Santa, but unlike many boycotters, I understand that Santa is merely a social construct.

However, I will not be shopping at The Mall of America this year, just as I have chosen not to do ever since I learned about this capitalist wonderland while watching Mary Kate and Ashley’s Mall Party as a child. I have chosen to boycott the mall on the sheer premise of practicality, you expect me to travel 15 hours to Minnesota to get my holiday shopping done? No thanks. At that rate, my relatives will be getting photographs of me sitting on Black Santa’s lap and nothing else from me. I can purchase more meaningful gifts by supporting small businesses like Amazon.com.

I will be extending this boycott to all malls. They’re simply too crowded during the holidays and mall managers seem content not to change that. I can barely stand to set foot in a mall at 10% capacity. Who can function in a crowded location with such an unclear flow of foot traffic. Wherever I stand, I’m in someone’s way it’s awful for my already low self-esteem. Call me a special snowflake but I will not be enjoying the artificial snowflakes at the Mall this year or any other.

Bless all of you who venture out to malls this holiday season, but I will be wrapped in a blanket on my sofa while the gift steadily trickle in, pre-wrapped, thanks to various internet vendors.

DISCLAIMER: I will void this boycott of Senator Al Franken is willing to meet me at the Mall of America so that we may shop together and become best pals.

Kevin Cole

Support our writers on Patreon

A Christmas Play – Live Read

Live from The Last Hurrah, a staged reading of Lydia Hadfield’s latest production. A tale of a woman in search of gifts who comes to learn much more about Christmas than she could have ever anticipated.

A Christmas Play
Written by Lydia Hadfield

Employee: Christine McQuaid
Cambria: Isabel Duarte
Snaggle: Julia Williams
Stage Manager: Emily Perper

Frederick Man’s Solo SantaCon Only a Minor Embarrassment

This past weekend, Frederick resident Chris Hollenbreck embarked on his annual one-man SantaCon. The tradition has its roots in New York City, where one day of the holiday season is devoted to dressing up as Santa and consuming dangerous amounts of alcohol.  Hollenbreck, a New York University dropout and current Downtown Frederick resident, brought the festive event to his hometown two winters ago.

“People drink in Frederick, but unless it’s Drinksgiving there’s no real holiday spirit. No holiday spirits, if you catch my drift,” said Hollenbreck. “So I thought, why not toss on a Santa hat, toss back a few brews and make a night of it?”

And make a night of it he did! Hollenbreck started his adventure at Brewer’s Alley, running into a few high school friends. “Becky was there. Oh man, Becky. I’d like to stuff some coal in her stocking,” he said, thinking fondly of his fellow Urbana High School ’08 graduate.

According to Hollenbreck, he never intended for the outing to be a solo SantaCon.

“I’ve tried to get more folks to come along: Becky, Victoria, Hillary, they all had other plans. I even asked Jeff,” he said. Reportedly, Hollenbreck and Jeff hadn’t spoke since a tenth grade argument regarding Star Wars Episode III. “They’re still churning them out, so I guess we know who won that argument.”

Unable to find anyone willing to play Santa’s Little Helper, Hollenbreck made his way down the street to Wags for a few more drinks, and then stumbled over to Guido’s. That’s where a night of attempting to get bars full of people to sing Christmas carols took a turn for the worst.

“I threw up twice, which is pretty good for me, especially on SantCon,” said Hollenbreck. He recalls vomiting in front of the Guido’s restroom, followed by a prompt berating by the barkeep. “No Christmas spirit! That guy was a real Grinch. He forced this dude I was talking with to clean up the mess. He didn’t even work there!”

After being escorted from the premises, Hollenbeck vomited a second time in front of “a few nice firemen,” who called him an Uber and got him home safely. There, Hollenbeck stared long and hard into a lump of coal and wept over what he had become.

Kevin Cole

The Tale of The Chrimbeebeast of Olde

A 13 Tweet story & lullaby

Oncet thar war ae Humble Beast, innocent of gnawledge of Chrizmby, Kris Kinglejaws & Krunk Claws and their waeys. De Beast snoozled in peace

From sweet embraze of warm winter sleepins de Beast falls into de cold clutches of consciousness by rudely awakens most rudely (sore rudely)

Und horrid patesmack whar delivered upon de Beast’s head by a grumple of grave countenance. Yuz, the terrible Kris Kringlejaws waked d Beast

“Awaken!”Screamt Kris Kringlejaws, walloping de Beast most fierce. “Ow!” Cried Beastie, “Why” “Crimbus is NIGH!”answered the jawsome Kris

“Observeth the Crimby with sanctimonious revere or suffer!” Screamt Kringlejaws, “Jeebzy Lurd died 4u!” “Observeth how?” whimpered de Beast

Kris: “Begin by spreading ❤ + ! throughout the land!” “Oh…that sounds nice,” Beastie mused. “Shuttup! I’m not finished yet!”snarled Kris

“I pile all Crimbyrelics on yr back! Tinsel, glitter, presents, figurines in all materials to remind others of our piety, ornaments, stuff-”

Kringlejaw loaded, strapped and be-burdened the one happae and gentle Beast with “trappings, bamboozlery, wishes, losses 40% off signs-”

Beloaded with bejingles the Beast roared through the snow/to bring Crimby Crimby wherever he go/at first it was fun/but it got ugly quick-!

whan they ran inter Krunk Kringle and hiz eejitfriend, Nick. They 2 leapt onto the burdend Beast’s back! “Yah!” dey Screamt. “Onwart! Attak!

Faster d Beast tore thru d townes! Leave he giftes and relicks but also panick! Krunk Klaus he threw Bottles! In thar wake they disaster’d!

Til exhaust they collapse, in froze glitterknell. Long do they sleep til they hear CrimbyBell! They rise w/the sound + charge on in Crimbiz!

The 3 goad d Beast with sharp jinglespurs! to Bringge us <3+!+fresh hell. Onwardx2! Into the night! Be not 2 afraide my childe, sleep tight.

Faithfully related by Damne Lydia Hadfield