Tag Archives: Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin’s Guide to Hiding a Family Scandal and Staying Relevant

Howdy-doo, my fellow Americans! It’s your trusty pal, Governor Palin, back with some more “lifehacks” to get you through the winter blues.

I know a lot of you readers are working mothers like myself, and boy, can those kids be a handful. Just remember that you’re a mamma pit bull with lipstick, and the liberal media’s not gonna put down your babies without a fight! By now you’re asking, “Sarah, do you know what I should do if my son spends too much time roughhousing with his wife?” You betcha I do! Not only will I help you cover up this event, but I’ll help you boost your own popularity amongst fans and followers.

Step 1: Put On Your Game Face, or Better Yet, Someone Else’s Face.

All right ladies, it’s time to take a long, hard look in the mirror. See anyone important in there? Perhaps someone who looks like popular television star? They don’t have to be on TV anymore; you could look like Ted Danson, for all I care. Write down a list of phrases you vaguely remember from the one time you watched their show, call in a few favors and spit out those phrases in front of a camera. It won’t do anything to fix your son’s drinking problem but it will put your face back out there. For 24 hours you’ll be popular again, and that will be enough to remind people who you are when you really need help down the road.

Step 2: Put Baby in a Corner.

The lame-stream media would like you to believe that nobody puts baby in a corner,but the truth is moms do it all the time. Hopefully you put baby in a corner the first time you caught him dancing in grade school. Well, now you gotta put him back in the corner and shut off the lights, keep him in the dark, hidden from view but safe under his mother’s watchful gaze, because no one gets near a pit bull’s corner.

Step 3: Change the Subject.

Sure, no one’s talking about Track, but for good measure get ’em talking about something else. You’ve got a reputation to uphold. You’re a go-getter who speaks her mind, so get on out there and find someone with similar traits! Build a stage and sing their praises. When people see that you’re passionate about something, they’ll overlook whatever it is your family’s doin’.

Step 4: Blame Obama.

Okay, so a few people noticed that your boy likes to play rough. Wipe it off your shoulder, because Bernie Sanders isn’t the only socialist in Washington—there’s one in the White House, and he thinks everyone should have an equal opportunity to get a little rowdy.

Sarah Palin

Dreams are for Poor Planners

Lily Fryburg

Dreams are for poor planners. Why? Because people who have lofty goals are not planning their lives well. They’re not taking the time to see that their aspirations are not feasible. Allow me to elaborate.

When I was in kindergarten, we were assigned a project of creating a puppet version of our future selves pursuing a career of some sort. Then, I thought that a coffee can torso and brown yarn hair sported by a lab coat and stethoscope were right on target. You see, even though I still believe that I would make a great doctor, harsh reality says otherwise. I don’t recall a single thing I learned in 7th grade about the body. Not even something simple, such as that there are three types of muscle. Yes, I had to look that up to use it as an example. Since elementary school, I have sucked at science like a five year old sucks a popsicle when it’s 90 degrees outside.

If I had continued with my conceived pre-med track to success, chaos would have ensued. Good thing I didn’t give a dime about my future career. Correction: that’s a bad thing because now I want to be an artist. To most people that means, “I want to be broke.” It’s true, I do. You all nailed it on the head. What was I talking about? Oh, right, science. We must always have realistic goals. President Obama dreamed that one day he would rule Mars (A Source). Look how short he fell of his dreams. Mickey Mouse dreamed of equality for female cartoon characters and, man, was he wrong. Sarah Palin dreamed of being VP, a television reality star, and a domineering huntress. Well, scratch that last example. I guess some dreams do come true. But she’s not exactly the greatest planner, so we’ll consider her an anomaly.

We shouldn’t dream. Nor should we imagine anything for our future selves because we’re probably wrong about our potential and there’s absolutely no hope for change.

I’m an optimist, for the record.

But I’m not a doctor. I can only pretend to be one. And that, folks, makes me a fraud. Don’t be like me. Don’t dream. Settle. It’ll make you a star planner.

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