Tag Archives: Satire

President Trump Vows to Give Up Denouncing Anti-Semitism for Lent

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an executive order, which many are calling a clear violation of the separation of church and state, President Donald Trump declared he would give up the act of denouncing anti-Semitism for Lent.

“The touchy-feely Anne Frank Center may think I’m not tough on anti-Semitism, but I’m about to show those Jews what fighting hate really looks like,” Trump announced in a brief statement to the press. “Anyone can give up chocolate for Lent. Easy. What I plan to do is going to be very tough for this administration. Recently, I’ve felt like I could denounce a different act of anti-Semitism daily, but for the next 40 days I’ve chosen not to. As we get closer to Passover, I’m sure this will become a very difficult task, but I am doing it to prove my dedication to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the King of the Jews. And he really was, ask any rabbi, they’ll tell you.”

President Trump went on to explain how much he would like to speak out about the recent string of attacks against the Jewish community, if it were not in violation of his religious freedom.

High-ranking members of the administration, including Steve Bannon, Stephen Miller, and Jeff Sessions, were notably eager to join the President in his 40 day fast.

“I can’t imagine doing more to help the Jews,” Bannon noted with a glint of joy in his eye as he took credit for helping draft the latest executive order.

“Who says this Lent thing has to be 40 days—maybe if goes well, we’ll make it 80,” he added.

One element of the order that has drawn harsh criticism is the President’s call for the FBI to cease its investigations into anti-Semitic hate crimes, notably the recent vandalism at historic Jewish cemeteries and bomb threats made to Jewish Community Centers across the nation. When asked about this element of the order, Press Secretary Sean Spicer became notably hostile.

“No one is telling the FBI to cease investigations!” Spicer snapped “We’re simply asking them to dial it back and focus on God for once. If someone should spray-paint a swastika on a synagogue door, we ask that instead of launching an investigation, the FBI simply ask God for help.”

He went on to clarify that after the 40 day fasting period, the FBI could return to investigating any hate crimes they happened to remember, as they are not to log the crimes committed during Lent. 

An unnamed source close to both the administration and the church noted that Trump also intends to give up golden showers for the duration of Lent. He is noticeably more concerned about that.

INTERNAL MEMO: Approved Terminology for Steve Bannon Coverage

Attention all Snailex Broadcast Inc. employees:

Following an incident during yesterday’s coverage of President-elect Trump’s administrative team, in which a reporter referred to Steve Bannon as “a fucking Nazi” on air, we have decided it best to review proper language for coverage of people in positions of power with a history of being rude to minorities.

Out of respect for the office of the president, we ask all reporters to refrain from using the following terms in reference to Steve Bannon:

  • Racist
  • Bigot
  • Anti-Semite
  • White Supremacist
  • White Nationalist
  • Race-baiting
  • Infrequent bather
  • A man who didn’t want his kids to go to school with Jewish children
  • Herr Goebbels
  • Some sort of monster facing abuse allegations
  • A devil on Donald Trump’s very crowded shoulder

Below are the approved terms that you may use to refer to the President-Elect’s chief strategist:

  • Breitbart Chairman
  • Champion of the Alt-Right movement
  • Semitically Challenged
  • Controversial
  • Supporter of white causes
  • Fun loving guy
  • War of Northern Aggression Enthusiast
  • A man with black friends
  • A white hot ray of sunshine
  • Old fashioned
  • A typical Trump supporter

Please pay careful attention what you say about the incoming administration or we may all be looking for work come February.

Scott Michaelson
VP of News

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7 Days Until Theatre Becomes Great Again

Now that Halloween is over we can count down to something truly scary. On Nov 7th, the Maryland Ensemble Theatre will fast forward four years into the Trump Presidency with Great Again!

On Monday, November 7–Election Eve–look into the political future we would all be lucky to avoid. Great Again takes a satiric look four years deep into a Donald Trump presidency. Guided by Ben Carson we get a grand tour of the Trump’s White House, his relationship with Vladimir Putin, and the growing tension with his former nemesis, Ted Cruz. It’s Our Town for the Trump administration, and you won’t want to miss this one-time staged reading featuring Jack Evans (Donald Trump), Ray Hatch (Ben Carson), Thom Huenger (Ted Cruz), Reiner Prochaska (Vladimir Putin), Sonny Etzler (Paul Manafort), Laura Stark (Kellyanne Conway) and Isabel Duarte (Ivanka Trump).
The show is written and directed by MET Company Member Kevin Cole and can be seen on Monday 11/7 at 8 p.m. at the Maryland Ensemble Theatre. Tickets are pay what you can, so come on down and catch a glimpse of the future that hopefully won’t be.
great-again-read-poster2

One Last Shouting Match: Trump’s Best Moments From The Final Debate

Chris Wallace: Welcome to the third and final presidential debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton–

Donald Trump: Before we go any further, I just want to go on the record that I am drug free. I urinated in a cup before we started and I had the best, cleanest urine. Clear. Like water. You could drink it, believe me. Anyway, my doctor has certified it – Drug. Free. You don’t see Hillary taking a drug test. What is she hiding?

Chris Wallace: Alright Mr. Trump, I’m going to have to stop you there. For tonight’s debate, I will ask the questions and you will each be given two minutes to respond.

Donald Trump: (Rolling his eyes) Okay Chris.

Chris Wallace: I beg your pardon?

Donald Trump: Anderson Cooper said the same thing. Are you ALSO going to let Secretary Clinton go over her time? I just want to make sure we’re being fair here.

Chris Wallace: When the time is up, I will inform Secretary Clinton, as I will for you. If we all stick to the time, there won’t be any problems.

Donald Trump: Okay, I just want to make sure it’s fair.

Chris Wallace: It will be.


Hillary Clinton: The last seven statements made about me are completely false and if you go to my website HillaryClinton.com–

Donald Trump: Don’t go to her website.

Hillary Clinton: — we have fact checkers —

Donald Trump: Don’t go to her website.

Hillary Clinton: — who are constantly checking Donald’s statements.

Donald Trump: Lies. Her fact checkers are liars. If you go to her website she just going to ask you for money. She’s going to ask you to make a “contribution” to her campaign but she’s just using that money to buy the election. She is RIGGING this election and she using her WEBSITE to do it.

Hillary Clinton: … Again, HillaryClinton.com for the facts.


Chris Wallace: … with that in mind, what will you do to handle immigration? Mr. Trump you may answer first.

Donald Trump: First of all, I would like to call attention my special guest tonight, Malik OBAMA. Now Malik is from KENYA, but he’s a US Citizen. How? I find that very interesting. I’ve spoken to Malik. We’re friends, Malik and I, and he finds it interesting that he could gain citizenship so easily. He wasn’t born here. He was born in Kenya. Sound familiar? I have worked with him to develop a new immigration policy that is fair to all Americans. Under my administration, you will have to be born in America to even be CONSIDERED for citizenship. To gain instant citizenship both sets of biological grandparents will have to be American Citizens. Without that, they are illegal. They are OUT! Of course, there will be exceptions. There are always exceptions. Malik, he’s okay. He’s my guy. But believe me, we will be a lot tougher on what constitutes a citizen.


Hillary Clinton: We’re going to use the intelligence agencies at our disposal and —

Chris Wallace: Secretary, your time is up.

Hillary Clinton: — that’s how we’ll —

Donald Trump: Your time is up Hillary! Hillary, your time is up! Can you believe her, folks? I mean, what is she, deaf?

Chris Wallace: Mr. Trump, I’ll keep track of time, thank you very much.

Donald Trump: Excuse me, you were going to let her go for another minute and now you’re mad at me for shutting her up? This is unfair. She blatantly cheating by going over her time and I’m in trouble for making sure she follows the rules. This is a mess, Chris. I expected better from you.

Kevin Cole

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Make The Annual & METx Great Again!

Two months ago The Annual went on a three week hiatus. During this time we launched our Patreon account and I, Kevin Cole, wrote a play called Great Again.

Great Again takes a satiric look Trump’s dystopian future, and could more specifically be referred to as Our Town for the Trump Administration. The story starts four years into his presidency as we are guided by our narrator, Ben Carson, through the world of Trump. The story also features the likes of Ted Cruz, Vladimir Putin and of course, Ivanka.

I’ll be directing the show as a METx production for Maryland Ensemble Theatre this fall with show dates on Nov 6 & 7th (election eve) and Nov 11 & 12. Mark your calendars.

Want to get involved!? We’ll be hosting Auditions on Monday Sept 26th from 6:30pm-9pm at MET (31 West Patrick St. Frederick, MD) for the following roles: Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, Ted Cruz, Ben Carson, and Paul Manafort & Stephen Miller (The Joint Chiefs). You can email Kevindotcole@gmail.com to set up an audition slot.

Why Hillary Clinton Must Embrace Taco Trucks on Every Corner

Last night,  Marco Guteirrez, founder of Latinos for Trump, threatened that “if you don’t do something about [immigration] you are going to have taco trucks on every corner.” This is very on-message for the Trump campaign, even if it is toned down from usual threat of murder and rape from across the border.

At this very moment, Clinterns are hard at work wedging this 5 second soundbite into the campaign’s next ad calling Donald Trump a double-racist:


VOICE OVER as black and white clips from cable news play on screen:

Just when you thought it was safe to listen to a Trump Supporter…

MARCO GUTEIRREZ

Taco trucks on every corner!!

note to editors: insert 20 more seconds of racist trump quotes here.

Title card:
CLINTON 2016


However, this is counter-intuitive. The Clinton Campaign would be wise to spend their resources embracing “taco trucks on every corner” as opposed to making it another flagship moment of Trump-based racism.

Obviously, Clinton isn’t hurting in the latino demographic, Trump’s done an excellent job of ensuring her success there. “Taco trucks on every corner” has the potential to be another “hot sauce in my bag” moment for Hillary. It’s a welcoming message to so many groups, particularly white male taco truck owners in the Bernie or Bust camp.

Taco trucks on every corner comes with the promise of job growth, diversity, and an increase in tacos. Let’s face it Hillary, people love tacos and if Trump can successfully run on a platform of “having the best words” why not win by having the best tacos?

Kevin Cole

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Right To Life: A Prayer for the Olympians

Holy Father,

As these Summer Games come to a close, we lift our prayers to your almighty kingdom.

That  you shall guide all competitors of pure and good heart to victory.

That those who practice promiscuity within the hallowed grounds of the Olympic Village find everlasting love with their partners so that they may bring new life to this world.

Let their condoms fill to bursting so that sperm may swim with the speed and grace of Michael Phelps to a new home within a mother’s womb.

Let your most beautiful creation, the mosquito, fly swift and fast to bear the gift of Zika to all impregnated.

May you, with the help of our earthly father Marco Rubio, pass new legislation so that all creatures born of Zika will be safe. Let Zika be welcome here as a safeguard for all children.

Lord, let your holy virus spread until all know its love and the scourge of Planned Parenthood is forever banished.

In your name we pray,

Amen.

National Right to Life

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“I Wasn’t Referring To Those Thugs” -Gov. Larry Hogan

A Statement From Maryland Governor Larry Hogan

In the past week I made an online post which many people chose to misconstrue, implying I referred to teachers as a group of thugs. In reality I was referring to union thugs, who find it in their best interest to slander me. These people aren’t teachers but members of an elitist organization that spans the country and likely has roots in the Italian Mafia, if television has taught us anything.

These UNION Thugs are the same people who insist our schools waste money on rulers that are exactly twelve inches, though it would be more cost-effective to provide rulers of any other size. They want chalkboards on the walls and enough lockers for each student. I’ve seen the blueprints. There can’t be that many lockers, or they won’t be large enough to stuff kids into, which, if I recall correctly, is their intended purpose.

Of course, their opposition to my education program should come as no surprise, as I have been butting heads with these union members long before becoming Governor. When I was 15, I spent an entire evening studying for Union Representative Mrs. Kerfler’s Geometry exam, only to receive a C-. It was patently unfair, and while Kerfler will deny it, the result of union rules stating “not everyone can get an A.” The next day I marched into Mrs. Kerfler’s classroom office and demanded the grade I deserved, but she simply showed me the hard numbers I supposedly miscalculated. Ever since that day, I vowed to not let these thugs push me around.

So before you come after me, Maryland Governor and survivor, remember that these Union Thugs stand at the heads of our nation’s classrooms. Day after day, they lobby to have textbooks filled with the propaganda of the working class in hopes of one day making the same income I found in the private sector. We had no place for Union Thugs at Hogan Industries, and we shouldn’t tolerate them in our public schools.

Gov. Larry Hogan

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Vetting Trump’s VP Picks

Donald,

I have taken the liberty of vetting your Vice Presidential short list to ensure electability. Each potential candidate has been broken down using the following ranking system: Winner, Loser and Sad! Please take the time to consider the information provided. Remember: While it may be tempting to pick a loser in an attempt to strengthen your brand, there’s no need for overcompensation at this point.

Dr. Ben Carson: Winner

We all know you have a token black friend, but it’s time to up the ante with a token black vice president. Not only will Ben Carson help secure the black vote, he holds beliefs that your white supporters are comfortable with. Make him your VP, and we’ll put a white man in the White House and keep another on the twenty-dollar bill.

Chris Christie: Loser

Let’s face it. Chris was so quick to endorse you because he had to attach himself to a winner to wipe away the shame of his pitiful campaign. You don’t want that tub of lard clogging you hallways. Give him a throwaway position, like “Head Transitionary Drone.” Let him feel good about himself for once.

Pamela Anderson: Sad!

Sure, she was the last model to pose nude for Playboy, but men don’t want her anymore. If you really plan to make a woman your vice president, you’ll have to break the top 100 porn stars working today. Otherwise, you might as well make Hillary Clinton your VP—or worse, Carly Fiorina.

Meat Loaf: Winner

He may not have been the apprentice, but he came close. Loaf spent some time out of the spotlight, but what’s important to remember is polls show he would do anything for love, and that includes running as your vice president. Added bonus: He would provide a nice incentive for those working in the Trump Executive Kitchen to make America meat loaf again.

Gary Busey: Sad!

We both know Gary was ratings dynamite, but he will like provide too much—what’s the word—chutzpah for this election season. Your big thing is you speak your mind, and you wouldn’t want a vice president with the same gimmick but an even more dangerous, surrealist mind.

Ernst Tremmel: Sad!

Unfortunately, Mr. Tremmel passed away in early April, shortly after you had compiled your list of potential VPs. Sad indeed, as Ernst would have been a big hit amongst current supporters. While he may not have been an American citizen, his work for his country as a guard at Auschwitz goes a long way to prove his loyalty, and the fact that had not yet been convicted of war crimes would have made him unimpeachable.

Hillary Clinton: Winner

She may be crooked but, democrats like her and the Koch brothers like her. She may not be your biggest fan but you understand one thing she doesn’t: the art of the deal. Hillary comes with a hefty price tag, but it’s nothing a multi-billionaire like yourself can’t afford. A lot of people will initially ask if you hate each other, but show them that picture of the two of you at your wedding and they’ll know you’re old friends. Do yourself a favor: Use the money you raised selling hats and buy a Democrat.

May your great and massive pointer finger find itself aimed at a winning candidate.

Michael Glassner
Deputy Campaign Manager, Trump 2016