Tag Archives: Scott Travers

The Annual Live 2 premieres tonight!

FREDERICK, MD (June 20, 2014) – Maryland Ensemble Theatre (MET) is proud to present the second installment of the comedy variety show, The Annual Live 2: The Sequeling.  Join The Annual Live cast as a they find themselves in the middle of a heated Twitter campaign to cancel their show following a sketch that is unfit for press releases. In an attempt to straighten out the show’s host (Kevin Cole) and the rest of the staff (Lisa Burl, Colleen Kelly, and Scott Travers) the network places a call to the convent to bring Karli Cole, the former co-host and current nun, to whip them into shape. Meanwhile, facing exile, Andrew Michaels, the show’s sad sack, is forced to find love, someone who will look past every awkward and unlovable thing about him and take care of him for life. It’s a comedic adventure that can safely be called The Larry Sanders Show meets Nunense meets Everybody Loves Raymond meets The Glass Menagerie,if none of those sound appealing then one might just want to stay in for the night.

MET Company Member Kevin Cole, who will be familiar to MET audiences from Laugh Station and Pickle My Monkey directs the Annual Live 2. It is written by Annual writers Kevin Cole, Andrew Michaels, and Scott Travers, and will feature cast members (Lisa Burl, Karli Cole, Kevin Cole, Caitlyn Joy, Colleen Kelly, Andrew Michaels, Scott Travers) playing fictional versions of themselves as they prepare to clean up their act and attempt to create an accessible show.

The Annual Live 2 originates from The Annual, a locally run, bimonthly humor magazine featuring much of the same talent. Their tenth issue is slated to be released in mid July.

Maryland Ensemble Theatre will present The Annual Live as part of its MET-X series. MET-X is MET’s programming, usually self-produced by Ensemble Members, outside of MET’s Mainstage season.  Performances are June 27 & 28 at 9:00 p.m. at Maryland Ensemble Theatre (31 W Patrick St. Frederick) located in the historic FSK Hotel.  Tickets are $11.50 (includes all ticketing fees) and may be purchased by phone at (301) 694-4744, online at marylandensemble.org, or in person at the MET box office.

THE ANNUAL LIVE INFORMATION

 Starring: Lisa Burl, Karli Cole, Kevin Cole, Caitlyn Joy, Colleen Kelly, Andrew Michaels, Scott Travers

 Directed by: Kevin Cole

 Written by: Kevin Cole, Andrew Michaels and Scott Travers

 Stage Manager: Emily Perper

 Where:  Maryland Ensemble Theatre, 31 West Patrick Street, Frederick, Maryland 21701

 Dates:  June 27 & 28, 2014 at 9pm.

 Ticket Prices:  $10 ($1.50 service fee)

 Box Office: 301-694-4744 or marylandensemble.org or at the MET Box Office

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Words Of The (Bi)Month

Etymology with Dan Cing

NAZI (noun): Mr. McGregor. Total jerk.

Etymology: First heard when my AP Calculus teacher, Mr. McGregor, moved my seat from right behind Tanya to next to Ronald who always told me I looked like I had a some“pre- cumculus” around my mouth when I was trying to do my logarithms (2011-13).

See also: Whoever told my mom I had ONE(!!!) Mike’s Hard Lemonade at Jackson’s; Darren for truth or daring me into streaking around Tanya’s trailer when he promised to do it too, only to totally fucking lie and embarrass the shit out of me. Also, Adolf Hitler.

PROM DATE (noun): Basically the only thing I’ve ever wanted in life. Would’ve been pretty fucking great to actually have one.

Etymology: First heard when I actually bought a ticket for you to go with me, Tanya. And then I saw you at TGI Fridays sharing a sampler with Darren (April 4, 2013).

Definitely do NOT see also: people who keep their promises; maybe I’ll actually get to touch a girl for once; am I really going to jerk off again? 

RIM JOB (verb, I think?): I don’t really know, actually.

Etymology: Can someone email me and let me know what this is? My stepdad always checks my Google search history and I still haven’t heard the end of it since I looked up ‘fisting’ after Darren told me it’s just what the popular kids call fist bumps.

See also: Please send me the meaning to OutbackSteakhouseRox@hotmail.com. Or use my secret AIM screename, CinginInTheRain. Also, let me know why Ronald tells me I probably love Santorum all around my mouth. Isn’t he some politician?

Support the Annual and receive humor every bimonth for only $20 a year!

Solutions to the Oscar Mayer Wiener Recall

Kraft Food recalled 96,000 pounds of mislabeled wieners, cheese dogs were listed as classic dogs and for a brief period of time, chaos reigned. This left Kraft Foods with a surplus of 96,000 pounds of unused wieners. Luckily a team of Annual writers have put their heads together to find some practical uses for the seemingly unusable weenies.

  • Filler for Madame Tussaud wax figures
  • Edible pens
  • Game pieces the world’s most questionable Jenga tournament
  • A sculpture of Oscar Mayer’s famous wiener
  • Lincoln logs
  • An eco-friendly alternative to those colorful plastic spheres that poison the ball pits of our children’s play areas
  • Swimmies
  • Apathetic darts
  • The worst Haunnukah ever, it’d be a different story were there to be a massive recall of Hebrew National dogs.
  • The best version of A Nightmare on Elm Street
  • Pull one hell of a prank on PETA. Open the office closet? Avalanche of dogs. Time for lunch? Break room fridge-turned sausage fest.
  • Literal sausage fest
  • Unstable high heels
  • Anti vegetarian gauges
  • The claws for toy crane machines
  • The literal Hunger Games aka World’s Greatest Hot Dog Eating Contest Ever
  • A hellish game of chance for lactose intolerant prisoners
  • Rations for WWIII

Whether you work at Kraft or you’re wondering what to do with your recalled prepackaged meat, we sincerely hope this list will help you through these dark times.

Practical wiener uses by Parker Benbow, Lily Fryburg, Hannah Gutman, Briana Haynie, Andrew Michaels, Emily Perper, and Scott Travers

Support the Annual and receive humor every bi-month for only $20 a year!

Obama’s New Guidelines for the NSA

Earlier this week it was announced that President Obama had sent a letter to the NSA proposing changes which considered to be “reasonable goals.” In the interest of maintaining transparency The Annual has come into possession of said proposal through a series of wire taps and we would now like to share it with the American public.

Gen. Alexander,

I hope you don’t mind if I call you Keith, perhaps General Keith, I’m not sure which I like best. In the past year, your department has come under increased public scrutiny thanks to noted war criminal Edward Snowden. Still, I believe we must change things to show that we’re doing some good for the nation. Here are my very reasonable goals for NSA in 2014:

  • Give all Americans a courtesy call prior to phone tapping, that way they’re aware that the NSA is listening to their every word.
  • Convert every mirror into two-way mirrors.
  • Consider sending complimentary fruit baskets to unhappy Americans in order to smooth things over.
  • For the love of God, limit the tap time on sex lines. Those bastards are still charging us.
  • Establish a backup plan for the backup plan when lines are down. Cups with string have to be proven ineffective.
  • Remove toilet-cams from all government buildings and fast food restaurants.
  • If you hear a man speaking with a “girly man” voice, it is your duty to inform him. Refer him to the James Earl Jones hotline.
  • The Hills Have Eyes themed decorations for all newly constructed NSA surveillance buildings.
  • Literally installing the eyes of traitors to the US in various hills, that way the public will know we’re serious.
  • Agents need to stop telling people that NSA stands for “Non-Stop America.”
  • Send out ads that correspond to what people have been talking about, people like targeted advertisements.
  • Send out letters detailing out poor grammar and choices, while providing information for local ESL classes.
  • New complimentary Birthday, Engagement, Anniversary, New born, New Job, New car, Pet Birthday, Sympathy For Your Plant Dying, Congrats On Getting That Stye Removed, Congrats For Completing One Year of Therapy; Here’s To The Next Twenty, Yeah That Amazon Customer Service Rep Was A Complete Dick, and I’m Sorry Your Mom Keeps Calling Asking Why The TV Isn’t Working cards.
  • Convert all insects into listening devices. AKA: Bugs

Seems simple enough. Increasingly covert and 100% serious. I’m not talking about reinventing the shoe phone here. Just some simple improvements for 2014.

HAGS (Have A Great Summer)

-President Barack H. Obama

Support the Annual and receive humor every bi-month for only $20 a year!

Letter composed by:

Parker Benbow, Kevin Cole, Lily Fryburg, Briana Haynie, Matt Lee, Andrew Michaels, Emily Perper, Scott Travers

BREAKING: Local Team To Just Pack It In After Interacting with Fan Base on Social Media

DALLAS – A push toward an increased social media presence has backfired for the Dallas Mavericks. According to Marketing Director Brian Stewart, “All we’ve been told by new media experts is to interact with the fans more. So we started posting videos the players take at team meals and fun costume contests for them to enjoy. Last October we wished everyone a Happy Halloween, and posted a pumpkin with our logo carved in it.”

However, Stewart explained the team has not received the reaction it expected. An investigation into the Facebook post’s comments reveal the team’s supporters just wanted to stick their penis in the pumpkin holes and fuck it.

Stewart noted that whenever the team’s German-born center Dirk Nowitzki does anything—good or bad—he is called a Nazi. “It’s really not clear if our fans are pro- or anti-Nazi,” Stewart said.

“We also have an area where people can submit fan photos of Mavs stuff, but we haven’t been able to publish a single picture, because they’ve all been penises. Tons and tons of penises,” Stewart lamented. “One in a hundred will maybe try to draw our logo on the shaft, but that doesn’t make it much better.”

Moving forward, the team is working on a new plan. “We’ll either just close all team activities to the public—practices, games, everything—or we’ll just leave and maybe go to another city. It’s ridiculous we play here to entertain these assholes,” Stewart said. As of press time, every other city in the world also contained tons of assholes. Penis-wielding assholes.

Scott Travers, AP

This breaking news was originally published in The Annual #5