Tag Archives: Sex

‘Love’ is a Codeword – for Sex!

(WORLDWIDE) – BREAKING NEWS: Information has been leaked to The Annual that the word “LOVE” has – for decades! – been used interchangeably in music, movies, and everyday conversation, with the word “SEX.”

**THE ANNUAL WANTS TO CAUTION ALL READERS TO THE GRAPHIC NATURE OF THE CONTENT BELOW** but not really 😉

Last Sunday, Gabriella Pitts turned on her radio after a long day at work, she was headed home to prepare for her date night with a man she had been chatting with on Tinder. The classic R&B song “I’ll Make Love to You” by Boyz II Men began to play, one of Ms. Pitts all-time favorite songs. But her Sunday workload had left her brain frazzled.

“I was a bit distracted from all the things coming up in the next week, plus I was driving” Gabriella explains. “So I’m listening to the song, but only half paying attention, I was thinking about my date that night. All of a sudden, I had a moment of clarity – they are talking about having sex! Right there, on the radio, in BROAD DAYLIGHT! Anyone listening to the station could hear it! I was shocked.”

These are the lyrics in question, keep in mind possibility that “making love to” could really mean “have sex with”:

“Close your eyes, make a wish
And blow out the candlelight
For tonight is just your night
We’re gonna celebrate, all through the night

Pour the wine, light the fire
Girl your wish is my command
I submit to your demands
I will do anything, girl you need only ask

I’ll make love to you
Like you want me to
And I’ll hold you tight
Baby all through the night
I’ll make love to you
When you want me to
And I will not let go
Till you tell me to”

Quite shocking, to say the least. Also appalled were the friends that Gabriella shared her startling revelation with. It turns out that Nathan, Wanya, Shawn, and Michael  – the BOYZ in question – were not, in fact, singing about making an “intense feeling of deep affection” with their beloved, but were detailing the time and place that they would be engaging in sexual intercourse. This song has been played millions of times across the world since 1994, and not one listener was the wiser until now. When asked for comment, the band’s agent said there were no inappropriate words or lyrics in the song, and that this “shocking discovery” was nothing but a mere coincidence.

The song and new-found way of interpreting it was sent to Skylar Longfellow, a professor of Etymology at Columbia University, who also happens to have a PhD in Music History. After playing the song with the new information in hand, Doctor Longfellow audibly gasped, then gave his take on what was happening:

“This is…impossible! How no one could have made this connection until now is shocking. We’ve been playing this song and others like it nonstop, since the invention of radio! Lewd lyrics, such as these, have been subliminally affecting us our entire lives…and the music industry must have known the entire time! This will be a bigger controversy than when radio stations were told what “skeet-skeet” meant. I see huge fines across the board from the Federal Radio Commission, among others.”

“It is far too late to un-do what generations before us have unleashed” explained Dr. Longfellow, clearly shaken by the news. “Going forward, we must be more vigilant to understand how the youth are communicating! To find out they were using such a powerful and seemingly innocent word such as ‘Love’ to mask the depraved and disgusting act of sex would make our ancestors and the forefathers of this great nation roll in their graves! These idols, these role models have been selling smut to our children, and I for one won’t stand for it.”

The phrase was discovered to have been used more than just for music, though. In popular teenage comedies and dramas such as Friends, The Simpsons, and even Full House, the terms “love-making” and “making love” were used as a way to hide the true intentions of their characters – to do the deed reserved for reproduction, but with little or no intention of actually making babies.

Etymologists and music reviewers across the nation are taking a second listen to what is really being said in popular music. They’ve compiled a non-exhaustive list of all phrases they’ve found that could possibly be sexual in nature:

  • Doing It
  • I’m down on my knees, I wanna take you there
  • Knocking boots
  • Nookie
  • Hanky panky
  • All I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom-a-zoom-zoom in your boom-boom
  • A monster with two heads
  • Rock the casbah
  • The Hokey-Pokey
  • Tubthumping
  • Poker face
  • Hot beef injection
  • Roasting the broomstick
  • Eating out
  • Party in the USA
  • Never had a friend like me
  • Stairway to Heaven
  • Cake by the ocean

Exactly what to do with this information is being debated. Some have clamored to remove ALL music from radio play, commercials, and the like, as well as stopping all television and movies until they can be checked again for decency. Others side to grandfather-in any old media released with the foul language, but to be stricter in the future. And last would be a small group advocating that these words and phrases are covered by the Freedom of Speech, and do not need to be censored. Whichever group turns out right in the end, it is sure to be a long discussion that may never be fully resolved.

If you or a loved one has been affected by this news and want to share your story, please feel free to contact us. Also, to report any additional phrases you hear that may be of a sexual nature, please go to https://www.donaldjtrump.com/contact and input the necessary information. You may have to submit multiple times as they are experiencing a high volume of reports.

T.M. Scholtes

New App Combines TINDR and UBER; Cheap Desperate Clients Thrilled

(Baltimore City, MD) – A New app is launching just in time for Valentine’s Day! CLIMAX, a new app combining two popular apps into one all-inclusive dating and ride service. Using the methodology between TINDR – a dating service app – and UBER – a taxi-like car service app – CLIMAX is set to “take customers places they’ve never been before” in more ways than one.

To use the app, new members must create a profile. The profile forces each member to provide their gender, age, location, and what type of “adventures” they are willing to go on. Once you have created your profile, you use the app whenever you need (or would like) a ride somewhere. Once you’ve entered your current location and the destination you would like to go, a list of “Available Drivers” will be displayed. You can look at all available drivers, then select the one that matches your interest in “adventures.”

When you’ve selected a driver, they will pick you up at your location. Get in and the “adventure” begins. “Adventures” are left to the imagination of you and your driver, however the majority of users in the app’s test-group said they “just want sex.”

“God, this is the perfect app!” says Tina Hildebrand, a student at Towson University. “I really needed a ride home from the bar, but I was also horny! Being a broke college student, using my body to pay for a ride I urgently needed just made sense, economically.”

CLIMAX users complained about the flippant nature of TINDR:

“Guys just swipe right to anything, and when you try to talk to them, they ignore you if you’re ugly,” said Heather Jensen, a hideous single mother of two.

“But with CLIMAX, most of them don’t even care what I look like, as long as I can please them before I get dropped off at my kid’s daycare!”

“I don’t know why someone didn’t think of this sooner,” says Ladarius Jingle, a bank teller for Wells Fargo.

“It’s like a one-night-stand booty call, but you also get a ride? How much better can it get? If you’re the driver, you’re basically a pimp, but all the work is done for you, and you just get the benefits of beautiful ladies on your junk. I’m making a profile right now!”

Other focus groups complained about the UBER driving service.

“It’s just, I don’t really know what I’m getting into, you know?” says Greg Nightingale. “I mean, I can see if people gave them good reviews they might be alright, but people make fake reviews everyday now! It could be a serial killer for God’s sake! But with CLIMAX, I get a look at who’s coming, learn a bit about them, and the PLEASE-O-METER is definitely more useful than any numbers of stars I could give an UBER driver!”

The CLIMAX app expects heavy usage in the next few weeks, especially with lonely singles hitting the streets harder than crack-cocaine in Baltimore.

“We are well prepared and expecting a lot of traffic coming into our servers,” says William Vector, the creator of CLIMAX.

“Having to be around loving couples, your parents nagging you to get married and start a family, people judging you, it’s a lot of pressure. This app helps alleviate that. Let someone else do the driving; let someone else take care of you; or just let off a little steam in the backseat of a Honda Accord on your way to the local animal shelter to pick up your third cat. The possibilities are endless!”

William also stated that extremely populous areas like New York City and the District of Columbia would be a huge client base for this app.

“Parking in these huge cities is a nightmare! People screaming, honking, or just trying to make them hit you with your car to collect some insurance money. With CLIMAX, you get in and out (and in and out) quickly and hassle free! Plus the endorphins released by your body will make you a happier person, and cheer you up for the entire day. If enough people use our app, we could really have a chance at world peace!”

While praise for the app has been universal, a few users did find one issue; repeat customers.

“Once you’ve had an ‘adventure’ with one driver or passenger, you can never match with that person again,” noticed Irene Salinger, an inner city librarian. “I mean, why not? I think we really had a connection, and now I’m never going to see him again? That’s crazy! IT’S INSANE! WHERE ARE YOU JACOB????”

So this Valentine’s Day, why not find out who can make you CLIMAX in your town?

T.M. Scholtes

Ep 22. – Talking to Kids About Sex (Pt. 2!)

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In this week’s episode Cullen and Kevin are joined (once again) by Cullen’s older brother Connor, a public school teacher with an expansive knowledge in the world of how schools handle sex ed curriculum and to help fill the void left in Susan’s absence Andrew and Emily step up to the plates. The five discuss how to talk to kids about sex from the perspective of an actual parent which leads to a discussion on discussing gender identities, losing virginity, and masturbation. Is a discussion about discussions that are a must listen for any parent, which these five certainly are not.

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Ep. 20 – Talking to Kids About Sex

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Episode 20 of Marry Me! is now live! Click the picture above to subscribe on itunes.

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Sex, Consent, and Trampolines. In this week’s episode Cullen, Kevin and Susan are joined by Cullen’s older brother Connor, a public school teacher with an expansive knowledge in the world of how schools handle sex ed curriculum. The four discuss how to talk to kids about sex from the perspective of a teacher and just begin to scratch the surface of how to address the issue as a parent. Could that mean there’s a part three of our “Sexual Guidelines” discussion on the way!? Absolutely!

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Ep. 10 – Biblical Waiting

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In this episode Cullen, Kevin and Susan sit down to discuss the five reasons to get married early, and then something goes wrong, Cullen disappears and Kevin and Susan are left to discuss the hot button topic of “waiting for marriage.” Y’know, in a biblical sense. BONUS: New holiday traditions are started.

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