I was born with a gift: the ability to transform any normal, mundane Halloween costume into an object of sexual fantasy. Give me a costume design and I’ll give you the steps to making it sexy in three bullet points or less. Some may call this power sexist, but I would like to remind those readers that all genders can be sexy. Recently I solicited facebook friends for their costume challenges, what you’ll find below is a guide to making over 40 different costumes sexy for Halloween.
1970’s Apple Employee
- Match the aesthetic of an overworked computer nerd, don’t shave your face. Match the aesthetic of the 70s, don’t shave your pubes.
- Spending your entire day in a garage office start up, it’s okay to forego pants in favor of underwear.
- Tell friends about your innovative ideas for the bedroom.
- Place a patch of green screen over your genitals.
- Wear a suit jacket with no undershirt and a tie that hangs just low enough.
- Tell friends you’d like to see what’s happening in their neck of the woods.
Beanie Baby Puppy
- Lay on the floor with you felted ass in the air.
- Attach a large TY heart to your ear, on the inside write erotic poetry about doing it doggy style.
- Spend the night searching for secret emails but only find sexually explicit correspondences between Mr. and Mrs. Clinton
- Spend three years persistently asking Brad to sleep with you, long after that horse died from your inquiries.
- Drunkenly gaze at friends nether-regions under the guise of the “freedom of information act”
- Steal clothing items from the billionaire class.
- Heavily tax the fabrics on these items to make them more revealing.