Tag Archives: Slimer

5 Ghosts That Haunt the Cast of the New Ghostbusters

Surrounding the praise for the new Ghostbusters is the excellent cast, but what many don’t realize is how their strength is derived from their own experiences with the paranormal. Much like Dan Aykroyd’s ghost-hunting grandpa, this cast has ecto-plasm in their veins.

Lady Slimer

Lady-Slimer

This goo-covered ghost is no different than the Slimer that came before her, but has caused an uproar across the web due to her feminine features. However, Lady Slimer is a real life ghost that has haunted Kristen Wiig since childhood. The specter is said to be responsible for teaching Wiig about the horrors of womanhood and made a bargain that Wiig would attain fame and fortune if she gave Lady Slimer her first born child. Now, indebted to the ghost, Wiig contracted Lady Slimer to play a small roll in the new film.

Betty FriedanThe Disembodied Ghost Head of Betty Friedan

Credited with starting Second-wave feminism, the visage of Betty Friedan spent the films production haunting Melissa McCarthy, often times possessing her body and using it as tool for dismantling the patriarchy. Remember when McCarthy rolled down Sunset Blvd sticking her head out a limousine and giving everyone the finger while shouting “ALL WOMEN ARE BEAUTIFUL! STANDARDS INVENTED BY THE PATRIARCHY HURT EVERYONE” ? That was all Betty Friedan.

Idris ElbaThe Hunky Cunnilingus Ghost of Idris Elba

Idris was a big fan of the original Ghostbusters, and had hoped to get a cameo as the gender-swapped blowjob ghost from the original film. Unfortunately, when this role was never written, he swore that his dream would not go unfulfilled. Leslie Jones calls the haunting a gift and a curse, as she knows when Idris Elba will die (approximately 50 years) but thanks to a interdimensional vortex, she gets to see him every night.

Zool CatMr. Sprinkles

Kate McKinnon is a noted cat-person who was unfortunately cursed with a deadly allergy. In an attempt to find a creature she could love, she participated in a dark ritual: candles, pentagrams, the whole nine-yards. The result was Mr. Sprinkles, an powerful hell-kitten who has gored many house guests and 3 of Lorne Michaels’ assistants.

Gaybraham LincolnGaybraham Lincoln

Never one to turn down a show, Gaybraham Lincoln materialized on the set of the new Ghostbusters one day and found himself quite smitten with the new receptionist portrayed by Chris Hemsworth. The two have been spotted getting lunch at various New York eateries, giggling and holding hands. Move over Hiddleswift, because this president has found his own Norse God!

Kevin Cole

CHILDHOOD RUINED! Even The New Ecto Cooler Is Awful

Mark this as the summer that Hollywood killed everything I love! We all know the new Ghostbusters will be the latest in a series of disgraceful reboots that have ruined the state of modern cinema (and YES this is a systemic problem, entirely unrelated to the fact that all the new Ghostbusters are women). The only good side to the disastrous new Ghostbusters would have been the return of Hi-C’s Ecto Cooler.

Screen Shot 2016-06-02 at 1.09.11 PMI remember spending my summers sitting by the pool, sipping that delicious Ecto Cooler. It was like I was a real Ghostbuster, Slimer was my best friend and I had just smashed him into a delicious juice-like substance. He tasted so good, like oranges for some reason. But those days of sipping the refreshing remains of my dead friend (who was technically a ghost to begin with, making him double dead) are gone.

Ecto Cooler

I was willing to look past the fact that the new Ecto Cooler was missing Slimer from the packaging. After all, it was that delicious drink that would bring back nostalgia and I’d rather see no Slimer than the big-breasted CGI monstrosity they’re surely going to use in new movie. The problem with the new Ecto Cooler is that Hi-C seems to have forgotten how to make it entirely! The new Ecto Cooler doesn’t have that tangy orange flavor I used to love, it tastes more like a blood orange. I checked the ingredients and sure enough the first item listed was menstrual blood!

How could they do this to us!? Nobody asked for menstrual Ecto Cooler! All we wanted was the same old cooler that was discontinued in 2001. Why couldn’t Hi-C just unpack the loads of cooler from 15 years ago? It would still be just as good! And before any women write in, I’m not saying the new Ecto Cooler is bad because it’s made from menstrual blood, it’s bad because I grew up with delicious orange based Ecto Cooler, and if Hi-C would just STICK TO THE ORIGINAL COOLER it would have aged like a fine wine.

Kevin Cole