So the power’s back on, the roads are now drivable and you’re out on the town looking for someone to shack up with… better yet, you’re prepping for the next blizzard, hoping to spend a weekend getting to know someone. Well, here a few sure-fire-untested pick up lines from The Annual:
- Hey girl, I think I have frostbite on my penis; can you check it out for me?
- Damn girl, my fingers are so cold; know of any place that could warm them up?
- They call my face “the fireplace,” so why don’t you sit on it and cozy up?
- Hey boy, is that a slowly melting icicle in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?
- Boy are you Frozen? Because your storm is raging on.
- Did your road get its snow removed? Because I could plow you all night.
- Is your power still on? Because I’m about to blow your fuses.
- Girl, are you a thermometer? Because it’s cold and I’d like to go down on you.
- [Sings the entirety of Baby it’s Cold Outside]
- I’ve got two snowballs that refuse to melt in my pants, wanna see? They’re white and could use some massaging.
- Open that mouth, girl. You can catch more than snowflakes on that tongue.
- I’ve got a little road salt I could sprinkle on your rim you let me buy you a drink, and yes, that is a subtle allusion to rimjobs.
- Don’t stop! Winter is coming and so am I.
- Baby, I’ve been having sex with a snowman in my backyard for five days and I desperately need human contact.
–Kevin Cole, Christine McQuaid, & T.M. Scholtes
So you’re caught in the middle of the great blizzard of 2016. Smack dab in the 3-foot zone. Perhaps you’ve been fantasizing about a long weekend reading by the fire as the kids trek out to shovel the drive way. But the truth is, you’ll likely be reading by a fire because the power’s gone out and at that point there’s nothing else you can do. Luckily we’ve comprised a list of things for you to do once the power goes out:
- Pick up your cat and walk around the house so it can see things “like a human.”
- Try and get frostbite on just one pinky, or that bit of excess skin, so that the doctors will remove it.
- Plug an old corded phone into your internet jack and reminisce about the days of AOL and dial-up modems.
- Call every pizza shop and see how far you can get them to drive away from the store, preferably after snow has started falling.
- Read those information stickers on your water heater and air conditioning unit for the first time ever and see if there are any clever jokes hidden in them.
- Pick that guitar you haven’t touched in 8 years and teach yourself how to play it.
- Use your Bath and Body Works candle to light a blunt.
- String Christmas Lights in every room of your house. Plug them in and wait.
- Send letters to your friends by peeing them into the snow. Hopefully they’ll walk by.
- Light a road flare and get some reading done.
- Build some snowmen indoors and prop them up so they look like they’re playing poker. Take a picture and sell the rights for millions.
- Aim to fill eight composition notebooks with your manifesto for the police to find.
- You’ve stolen cable from your neighbors, now try your luck with their generator.
- Silently wonder if your toilet will work without electricity as you hold it in for another hour.*
–Kevin Cole & T.M. Scholtes
*Unless it’s a damn auto-flushing toilet you’ll be fine.