Tag Archives: Staff Collaborations

The Next Generation Condom

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Kevin Cole, Nicolas Contreras, Cullen Dolson, Courtney McLaughlin

Earlier this week, Bill Gates offered a $100,000 grant for whomever can create the next generation of condoms. The new condoms would need to “preserve or enhance sensation” while preventing STDs and offering up incentives for use. Here at The Annual we have been hard at work developing the next generation of condoms and this is what we have come up with thus far.

First there are numerous standard features that absolutely MUST be included in the next-gen condom if it is to be successful at all. These include:

  • Wifi Compatibility
  • An achievement based system synced to Xbox Live
  • A embedded microchip that would allow for “Thrust-tracking” enabling users to rack up “Frequent Fucker Miles”
  • A POV Camera for in-depth investigations

The next-gen condom would also need to be reusable, machine washable, and potentially made from the same material as “those blankets at your mother’s house.” In addition, this material should be able to change colors with the detection of Sexually Transmitted Diseases.

The next generation of condom isn’t just a means to prevent unwanted pregnancies, it’s an effective marketing tool. With special Crossover-Condoms, companies can promote their products, in an arena where T-shirts simply won’t do. The following are just two of the countless, potential Crossover-Condoms to simultaneously  revolutionize intercourse and marketing:

  • Star Trek: The Next generation Condoms: Get ready to “Engage” with the Star Trek TNGC. Timed with JJ Abrams’ inevitable Next Generation reboot, these condoms will boldly go where no man has gone before. Be sure to pick up the Worf condoms, ribbed for her pleasure.
  • Moonrise Condoms: The condom that waxes and wanes with the moon cycle, the menstrual cycle, and the Wes Anderson cycle. Includes an ocean sounds soundtrack, insta-tampon, and a struggling family with an absent father figure. Buy yours today!

Of course, all condoms will come Norton Antivirus approved and monitored, with 24/7 support. If any issue should arise (or fail to) simply call 1800-nortoncondoms. When it just can’t boot up, call Norton tech. “They made sure I wasn’t left hanging!”-proud Norton customer

The Annual’s Tips and Tricks for Surviving Thanksgiving

 

  • Graciously accept a glass of wine whenever your host (or hostess) offers one to somebody else.
  • Don’t skimp on the Turkey, there’s a smorgasbord of side dishes that everyone’s clamoring for-but none with enough tryptophan to put you out before halftime.
  • Try to picture your boring, naggy relatives in their underwear and watch them become your boring, sexy relatives.
  • Start a controlled fire in your deep fryer and enjoy the chaos that ensues.
  • Respect the post-thanksgiving feast nap, especially if the person taking the nap is your cousin who just got out of jail.
  • Always keep your keys in your pocket, you’re going to need them for a fast get away and for security when your uncle has had seven bud lights.
  • Beware of the over indulgent forks. You’ll know you have one when you feel full within five minutes of starting dinner.
  • Dress up like a dead turkey and stuff yourself in the oven. As a joke.
  • Don’t be afraid to let your rage fester, it’ll come in handy on Black Friday
  • If any of the following topics come up during dinner, retreat to the kids table:
    Who will carve the turkey, what gravy really looks like, who gets the last crescent roll, vegetarianism, veganism, abortion, The election, Israel, gay elmo, your grandmas toenail, tissue boxes, Lost, what was found in your baby cousins diaper, facebook pokes, “Kid’s don’t know the value of a dollar”, 4000 calorie dinner, running sports, jumping sports, fake sports, the favorite grandchild, “Justin Beiber is a lesbian”, “Lesbians aren’t real”, The lesbian your brother is dating, The color of grandpas booger which has just landed in the cranberry sauce, “How do I turn on my iPad?”, Steve Jobs ghost is possessing your aunts right pinky, When, where and how your mother lost her virginity, diabetes induced exercise, “Do you think Donald Trump’s pubes look like his hair?”
  • Invest in a pair of thanksgiving pregnancy pants available anywhere baby clothes are sold or in your 16 year old sister’s closet.
  • Remember that no one wants to know how the turkey carcas is perfect for your sculpture about meat eaters.
  • Tie your pets together and hold your own parade.
  • Burn the turkey; it will insure you don’t host thanksgiving next year.
  • Do an Al Roker impression. It’s the only day such an impression is relevant.