Tag Archives: Starbucks

Starbuck’s Green Cup is an Abomination!

The heathens at Starbucks have done it again, instigating yet another war on Christmas with their “festive” green unity cup. Like many, I was not quick to shun the new cup as approached the barista with a healthy skepticism. “It certainly looks festive” I thought to myself “and from a distance the outlines of people appear to be nothing more than pines on a Christmas tree.” We were off to a good start until I finished my coffee and peered into the cup only to discover a Pentagram ingrained in the base!

These green cups represent a false god, a endless search for hope and “unity” that will ultimately lead us to hell itself. Sickened, I staggered back from the counter in a daze, betrayed by a coffee shop Judas. It will be three weeks before this cup distributed with the traditional pagan greeting of “Happy Holidays!” My head spun at the thought and that’s when I noticed a frighteningly familiar face on the cup… It was Anton Lavey, founder of the church of satan and the center point of my living room’s dart board. How deep does this conspiracy go?

Without hesitation I removed a match from my bag and lit the cup ablaze! Throwing it behind the counter I shouted at the barista’s “WHAT HELL HATH THOU WROUGHT!?” as they apathetically swept the incinerated cup into the a dust bin, clearly they had heard it all before.

Once again, Starbucks has shown their true colors as a front for the Church of Satan and I will no longer be purchasing my coffee from them. Instead, I’ll be going to Dunkin Donuts, where they offer coffee in wholesome boxes, free of satanic imagery.

-Kevin Cole

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Obama May Have Founded ISIS, But Here Are Five More Lesser Known Founders

Non-founder of The Trump Organization, Donald Trump, made waves this week when outed President Barack Obama as the founder of ISIS. Many are considering this to be an unfortunate gaffe but in reality President Obama is just one name in a long list of lesser known founders of famous organizations, here a few more notable

Starbucks founded by Ben Franklin

“Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee” is perhaps Ben Franklin’s most quoted phrase. Often recited to French prostitutes following his famed sex-capades, Franklin was a notorious coffee-addict. During a binge in the streets of Paris, Benjamin Franklin stayed up for five days straight, conceiving a massive chain of coffee shops so that he would never be unable to find a supplier.

Hoover Vacuums founded by J. Edgar Hoover

As the head of the FBI, J. Edgar Hoover was always vigilant for ways to listen to other’s conversations. Throughout his career he made an art out of spying on anyone from suspected hollywood communists to Martin Luther King Jr. but the man with his own secrets had a need for privacy. Hyper aware that anyone could be listening in as he privately had sex with other men, Hoover created a vacuum company so no one would find it suspicious when he left the noisy cleaning contraption on at late hours of the night.

Amazon.com founded by Sam Walton

Yes, the man who founded both Walmart and Sam’s Club is also responsible for Amazon.com. Shortly before his passing he conceptualized a new form of store, one which would take up little to no retail space but was capable of driving down prices in order to further diminish small businesses. Acknowledging that this new business venture may put him in direct competition with himself, he shrugged it off, citing “I’ll be dead, what do I care?”

The Cheech and Chong Franchise founded by Bill Clinton

Bill never inhaled, but he did commission a series a documentaries to study what might happen if he did. After viewing the films, Clinton decided that zany adventures and joint-powered road trips simply weren’t for him, but he had the movies released across the country so viewers could make up their own minds.

Trump Steaks founded by Donald Trump

Perhaps Donald is so obsessed with unrecognized founders because he is one himself. In 2007, Donald created Trump Steaks as a way to further the Trump brand, but few know that Donald Trump is the Trump behind the famed steaks. In fact, few know about Trump Steaks at all because the venture had a shorter life span than two man terrorist organizations that would go south after one suicide bombing. Sad!

Kevin Cole

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Starbucks Can’t Spell Merry Christmas

In a viral Facebook post Joshua Feuerstein got really angry with Starbucks for removing Christmas from their festive red cups (“because they hate Jesus”). In an effort to bring Christmas back to Starbucks and stick it to the company, he encouraged customers to give their names as “Merry Christmas” when ordering Starbucks coffee, to force the employees to put Christmas back on the cups. As we all know, Starbucks doesn’t have a great track record at spelling names correctly. Here are all the ways Starbucks will misspell Merry Christmas during this festive season.

  • Mery Christmas
  • Merrychristmas
  • Murry Kristmas
  • Mury Xmas
  • Murray Christamas
  • Merry Crustmas
  • Merry Christmuss
  • Mary Crismas
  • Feliz Navidad
  • Marry Chris
  • May Christmas
  • Happy Kwanza!
  • May & Chris 4 Ever
  • May I Kiss You?
  • Much A do About Nothing
  • More Crust is a Must!
  • May I Christ More?
  • Mary Tyler Moore
  • Happy Hanukah
  • Happy Holidays

Briana Haynie