As these Summer Games come to a close, we lift our prayers to your almighty kingdom.
That you shall guide all competitors of pure and good heart to victory.
That those who practice promiscuity within the hallowed grounds of the Olympic Village find everlasting love with their partners so that they may bring new life to this world.
Let their condoms fill to bursting so that sperm may swim with the speed and grace of Michael Phelps to a new home within a mother’s womb.
Let your most beautiful creation, the mosquito, fly swift and fast to bear the gift of Zika to all impregnated.
May you, with the help of our earthly father Marco Rubio, pass new legislation so that all creatures born of Zika will be safe. Let Zika be welcome here as a safeguard for all children.
Lord, let your holy virus spread until all know its love and the scourge of Planned Parenthood is forever banished.
In your name we pray,