Tag Archives: Super Bowl

DiCaprio’s Final Post-Oscar Press Conference

As part of a once time honored tradition, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences would close every Oscar ceremony by hosting a press conference with losing nominees. For 86 years, Oscar losers would be carted out in front of a sea of reports and lambasted with questions as to why they failed to take home an award. Following the 2014 Oscars something changed that caused the Academy to erase all evidence of the post-show ceremony, luckily The Annual has obtained a transcript of that event:

-Mr. DiCaprio, how does it feel to have lost your fourth chance for an Oscar?

-Not great.

-Would you like to elaborate?

-No.

-But you’re so emotional in the movies, c’mon, give us some of that Leonard fire!

-No thanks.

-Leo, your Wolf of Wall Street costar Matthew McConaughey actually won the award for best actor, do you harbor any ill-will towards him?

-No.

-How do you think he beat you?

-He acted better.

-This is your fourth Oscar upset, what will it take for you to win?

-I keep acting.

-Mr. DiCaprio, the academy has watched you grow and evolve as an actor from the young age of 19 when you were first nominated for an academy award for What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. You’ve been nominated for your work in The Aviator and Blood Diamond, but overlooked for your role in such films as The Departed, Django Unchained, Revolutionary Road, and The Great Gatsby among many others. Have you resigned to the fact that you may never win an Academy Award?

[The room falls silent]

-Mr. Dicaprio?

[More silence, observing the footage, onlookers can notice the glass in DiCaprio’s hand begin to shake]

-Leo?

[The glass shatters in my hand]

-Oh my god! He’s doing the scene from Django!

[The crowd applauds]

-QUIET! I have worked day and night to hon my craft. To entertain. To put something real on film. All you people care about is this award, which OF COURSE I WANT! Why the hell else would I do a film about J. Edgar Hoover? Do you think it’s easy being Scorsese’s muse? You have no idea what it’s like to put in a hard days work. The truth is, the pursuit of this award is all I have to keep me going. Do you think I’d be making movies if I won after Gilbert Grape? God no! You’d never see me again. You people need me to lose this award so I can fill whatever empty space occupies your sense of self-worth. “Well if he can’t do it, I guess I’m doing okay.” But the one thing that brings me comfort, is that when all of this is done, and I die, I’ll make the front page of the New York Times, you’ll be footnotes in your hometown papers.

[Taking the shards of glass, Leo hurls them into the crowd and the room falls silent as he exits the stage.]

After that night, the Academy would never host another post-Oscars press conference with the losing nominees.

Kevin Cole

Last Hurrah Clip – My Team Is Empirically Better Than Your Team

Last Night on The Last Hurrah’s Everything You Need To Know About The Big Game, Kevin Cole and Christine McQuaid sat down to decide which team was the best, The Patriots or The Seahawks. But that’s not all that happened on The Last Hurrah last night, you can listen to the full episode now by clicking here.

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American? You Bet You Are! Wouldn’t You Like A Curved TV?

Kevin Cole

Come on down to Mike’s Jumbotron Depot before The Big Game and pick up curved ultra HD television for just $1,999. It’s the most American way to watch the Patriots and Seahawks go head-to-head. Who wouldn’t want to usher friend after friend into their home this Sunday only to hear them exclaim, “Jesus Christ! Is that a curved TV?!”

If there’s anything more American than football, it’s a curved TV, offering visuals so crisp they exceed the perception of the human eye. It’s that excess your friends are sure to notice, as they scarf down bags upon bags of Fritos and view Tom Brady’s fully inflated balls with utmost clarity. So pick up your new Curved TV from Mike’s Jumbotron Depot for only $1,499!

Oh, say can you see every bead of sweat on the face of those heroes? It’s the biggest night in television–you don’t want your friends to think you’re a Communist sympathizer as you watch The Big Game on that dinky little standard definition tube TV, do you? Here’s your chance to really celebrate the sacrifices of true-blooded Americans like Marshawn Lynch: with a Curved Ultra High Def TV from Mike’s Jumbotron Depot for only $1,249.

Whether you’re rooting for the Seahawks or the Patriots, you won’t want to miss a pixel of this year’s Big Game. Within every pixel is an American flag, and if you’re not enjoying the game at an excess of 2160 pixels, you might as well be pissing on the First Amendment. Celebrate your freedom with a Curved Ultra HDTV from Mike’s Jumbotron Depot for only $999!

September 11th changed our country in ways we will never forget. But, once a year we can put that behind us and enjoy The Big Game. It was George Bush who encouraged us to shop more in a post-9/11 America, and that’s what we’re here for. Besides, haven’t you heard that American singer/songwriter/sex symbol Katy Perry will be playing the halftime show? Now, who wouldn’t want to see that on a Curved Ultra HDTV from Mike’s Jumbotron Depot for only $699?!

Look, how about this: do you want to see The Big Game like you’ve never seen it before? Touchdowns? Passes? Interceptions? What if you went down to Mike’s Jumbotron Depot and bought a Curved Ultra HDTV for only $499 and we gave you a second one for free? It’s that easy! You could put them next to each other and pretend the football field is twice as large, making the players twice as good. You’ll have two Curved TVs, and we’ll have two less because you only bought one! What a good deal! Please, don’t you want to enjoy the game?

ALL CURVED ULTRA HIGH DEF TVS MUST GO! Sweet Jesus, there’s a fire–we don’t know how this could have started, but you better get down to Mike’s Jumbotron Depot and grab an Curved Ultra High Def Television from the rubble before it’s too late! All TVs lost in the fire will have to be claimed as a major loss, but you can get them before the fire goes out for whatever cash you happen be carrying when you get to Mike’s Jumbotron Depot.

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Join the Football Fun at The Last Hurrah this Saturday

Harbaugh Brothers vow to join forces and rule all of Football

[New Orleans, Feb 5, 2013] Following a contentious Super Bowl pitting brothers John Harbaugh (Baltimore Ravens) and Jim Harbaugh (San Francisco 49ers) against one another, the two have decided to put their sibling rivalry behind them. During a post-game interview, John Harbaugh said the following of his little brother’s performance, “In the first half all I could think about was how easily I was creaming the little twerp, but then Jim really used that blackout to pump up his team and bring them to what was almost the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history. Of course, in the end the better brother won. Still, you gotta admire the little guy.”

The two then met up after the Super Bowl after party at their own Harbaugh family after after party. John and Jim spent a full two hours complimenting one another. When their sister, Joani Harbaugh, told them to get a room, they did.

The next morning, John and Jim emerged with ruffled hair and held a press conference to announce that they would be working together during the next season.

“We’ve realized that as strong as we may coaching against one another, we could really blowout the place…” Jim Harbaugh announced. “If we worked together!” Declared John, finishing his brothers sentence.

However, the two do not intend to make headlines by coaching as brothers. “It would be a cheap gimmick” said Jim Harbaugh, speculating as to how the sports media tabloids would handle each and every game-equating every glance from brother to brother with childhood subtext. Following these predictions, John Harbaugh chuckled in a way he probably would have once he discovered Jim had gone to prom with his Eighth Grade crush.

The Harbaugh Brothers went on to make it clear that any sort of Coach/Assistant Coach set up would be detrimental to their work, placing one with a higher rank than the other. “There’s really only one way this could work…” John stood and led his brother off stage, only to reappear 6 feet taller, sporting a trench coat and a mustache.

“I, Jom Harbaugh, will assume coaching duties for the Baltimore Ravens, Champions of Super Bowl XLVII, following the tragic off-stage deaths of my brothers. I loved them dearly and they will be forever missed and cherished in the hearts of football fans everywhere.”

As of press time, neither Harbaugh brother could be reached for an individual comment. According to Jom Harbaugh, a Memorial Service will be held in the Mercedes-Benz Superdome this Sunday at 3pm and all are welcome to attend.