Tag Archives: Swimming

THINK TIME! Is it Ethical for The Olympics to Continue When They’ve Given All the Medals to Michael Phelps?

Maryland’s own Michael Phelps retired from swimming this week after winning every medal at the Rio Olympics. You read that right, every single medal has gone to Michael Phelps, the outgoing king of the Olympics. It’s a fact that the media has glanced over in order to avoid embarrassment. Thanks to a logistical error, the 2016 Olympic Committee only made enough medals for Phelps’ competitions and pre-designated them to Phelps as to avoid an international incident.

Funds that may have once gone towards assembling the remaining rewards have been reallocated for water filtration, enhanced security, and mosquito nets. Which begs the question, is it remotely ethical for the Rio Olympics to continue when there are no medals left to give? I think not! Rather, it would be better for NBC and the Olympic Committee to save face by airing their closing ceremony tonight and proceed as if the remain competitions had already occurred. The majority of at home viewers will simply assume they missed the final badminton match as the parade of nations make their way across the screen.

This will be a cleaner alternative to privately informing all camera operators that they may only show medals in extreme wide shots. These athletes are competing for nothing, making a career out of amateur athletics and it adds insult to injury when they are awarded spray painted chunks of cardboard while proving their greatness on an international stage.

Last night we witnessed Usain Bolt weep as he was handed a golden cardboard oval with the word “WiNnER!” written on it via felt tip marker. Meanwhile, Michael Phelps had his remaining medals shipped home in case he was robbed at gunpoint. The medals will be tossed into a swimming pool filled with his other awards so that he can swim like an Olympic Scrooge McDuck as soon as he returns home.

It’s upsetting to think these Olympics will carry on. As a nationwide cardboard shortage becomes apparent, Brazillian authorities are already recruiting school children to make medals out of dried macaroni and Elmer’s glue. If the Olympic Committee has any shred of decency they will postpone all remaining events until the 2018 Winter Games when they can restock on precious metals.

Kevin Cole

Support our writers on Patreon

Preggos & Pool Decks

I can’t imagine the difficulty of pregnancy: sleepiness, odd food cravings and the constant worry of “will this harm my baby?” My older sister’s pregnant, and she’s always surfing the web, searching for what she can and can’t eat or do. When in doubt she doesn’t hasten to contact a doctor—apparently there’s conflicting information out there concerning salmon consumption. Anywho, this is not about my sister. It’s about the poor soul who decided my opinion was better than a doctor’s.

COLORFlip Turn

The YMCA is one of the greatest places to work as a lifeguard. (Yes, I know how to swim. Yes, in water. No, being halfrican doesn’t mean I only know every other stroke. Enough!) When you’re a lifeguard, most swimmers wave and smile. Contrary to the brochures, young women almost never go swimming at the Y, especially in a two-piece. It’s mostly just old men and older men. So when this young, pregnant woman walks out on the pool deck in a two-piece in the middle of winter…well,  let’s just say I wasn’t the only one thinking “Are you sure you came to the right place?”

She and I strike up conversation. After a while I mention that my sister’s pregnant. Except my vengeful southern Virginia accent came out and I said “sista.”

“When you say, ‘sista’ do you mean like your sister, or your sista?”

Clearly she felt comfortable using me as her Negropedia, so I didn’t mind saying the following:

“Chea, like my sista, my dog, we grew up in the same crib and all dat, but I don’t know if wez related because our pops always be on Maury. She cool tho.”

In my head this would end the conversation, but, of course, I was wrong.

Okay. Well, I just came over here to ask if it’s okay for the baby if I did a flip turn.”

Why would I know the answer to that question? Life lesson: If you’re going to a stranger for advice, expect strange answers.

“No it’ll be fine, because the…velocity will keep the baby steady due to all the…momentum and stuff.”

Have you ever seen a pregnant woman attempt a flip turn? It’s like someone fell off a yoga ball. The worst part was that the bottom of her two-piece came off in the midst of the struggle, and she started flailing her arms to balance herself and reclaim her dignity.

“Why were you looking, man?! That preggo is going to be somebodies mother!”

COLORFlip Turn

Lifeguards are never supposed to take their eyes off the pool. No matter what happens! It was heroic, actually.

As she reached the shallow end I contemplated asking her if she was okay, but it would have been too cruel. Not being able to see below her stomach she put her bottoms on backwards. Without looking at anyone, she got out of the pool gracefully, grabbed a towel and left. She might not have learned the difference between sister and sista, but she got first-hand experience on velocity, and momentum…and stuff.

Giovanni Kavota