For three months the mighty Hiddleswift reigned supreme, and with it, it brought a white hot passion that would leave lasting effects on the environment. While many of us mortals believed the sun was violently inflicting 100 degree days upon us, the cause of the 2016 heatwave stemmed from the love given off by the Hiddleswift. Many remember the fateful day when the creature was first spotted on a secluded beach in Maine, only to disappear for the months to follow.
According to the ancient scrolls passed from Justin to Kelly, it is likely that the Hiddleswift built a lovenest for itself deep in the Pocono Mountains. There, it basked in its own existence, radiating an incredible warmth that is said to have accelerated the melting of the Poles. All summer, meteorologists unfamiliar with the legend of the Hiddleswift complained of a great heat, but it was merely the cold in their own hearts in comparison to the unstoppable love felt by the Hiddleswift.
All of this changed yesterday, when, without explanation or warning, the mighty Hiddleswift fell. Some believe it was done in by its own hubris, a love that burned so bright that after a short period it simply went cold. Cynics will be quick to tell you the Hiddleswift went into hiding because it was never really the pure creature we made it out to be–perhaps nothing more than a ploy for a secret music video. One thing is for certain: Right now, soothsayers are predicting a vortex of cold that will cover the land, more so than ever before. For as the Hiddleswift ended its love, it took the world’s warmth with it. It is believed that in the coming months the temperature surrounding that infamous Maine beach will steadily drop. Soon the hillsides will be covered in snow and ice, and we will have no choice but look up to the sky and curse the fallen Hiddleswift for abandoning us.
For centuries the sages warned of the pairing between The One From 1989 and the mischievous Loki. Joining forces in unholy matrimony the two have come together to form The Great Hiddleswift, a terrifying beast that, according to the prophesy, will change love as we know it. We mere mortals were fools to ignore the signs, for all events occurred just as the soothsayers of yore had promised.
It began innocently, the sunstar shone bright in the sky as The One From 1989 broke off ties with her last mortal man. For the past five years the watchers have noted every mortal to lock lips with The One From 1989. Unsure of which would be the last, every separation was reported with unequivocal detail. For many, her breaking from Calvin Harris would be uneventful, only Jon Blistein from Rolling Stone noted how “at the moment of separation frogs vomited blood and every coyote in the valley turned inside out, leaving only piles of organs and fur.” The One From 1989 had devoured her last mortal.
The watchers should have seen this coming months prior on the night of the Metropolitan Gathering. Many noted the moment when The One From 1989 met eyes with Loki and briefly boogied a portion of the night away, though few failed to record the sudden failure of electronic devices in the immediate vicinity. Those who made direct contact with both creatures have reported the substantial memory loss. As the prophets foretold, their initial meeting would create a force so powerful many would be unable to properly interpret the event.
Our fate was sealed this weekend as giant metallic bird flew over Rhode Island. There, The One From 1989 and the mischievous Loki would become one, the seas would become pure, calm and drinkable. The hearts of those previously touched by the creatures would turn to sludge as they collapsed in cardiac defeat. Henceforth, mankind would be forever cursed to endure failed relationships as The Great Hiddleswift looked down from on high, glaring behind dark sunglasses, judging all who dared approach the romantic precipice of their love.
May the gods have mercy on us all.