This morning we lay to rest a truly vile presidential campaign by the name of Ted Cruz 2016. Oh Ted, we knew you all too well and the things that could be inferred were even worse. While you were never cool enough to be the Zodiac killer, you did everything in your power to be equally despicable.
It was a long road for Ted Cruz 2016, the first to announce his candidacy, (though we all knew in 2013 that the late Jeb Bush 2016 would throw his hat into the ring as soon as the election season began). We never expected Ted to last this long, a phrase no woman has ever uttered, while Cruz’s congressional contemporaries found his staying power to be among his worst assets. Even when he came to speak in The Annual’s hometown we wondered how he would fill 2 hours, then we realized he came to power by embarking on a marathon filibuster in a failed attempt to deny healthcare to millions. Before chasing the presidency, Cruz spent his time preventing others from stimulating their own genitals as would continue to stimulate his own.
He rose to power by consistently placing second, gaining key edorsments from those solely wishing to distance themselves from Donald Trump 2016, among them was the late Jeb Bush. Meanwhile, Cruz 2016 would butt heads with many republican campaigns who have since passed, including Ben Carson 2016 who would find himself locked in a closet with Ted for longer than most thought was humanly possible.
Politicians weren’t the only ones to avoid time in a closet with Ted Cruz 2016, as his own children would rush to keep a physical distance from the candidate whenever he approached them. At a recent campaign event, Cruz was unable to overcome the deafening cries that he “sucks” from a 12 year old heckler. After having the child removed, Cruz remarked that the kid could use a spanking, while this remark may have garnered a 15 second applause from the crowd, it should have garnered raised eyebrows from anyone watching Ted Cruz’s interactions with his own children.
Towards the end of his life, Ted Cruz 2016 sought to gain some of Donald Trump’s life force by turning his attention to minorities, specifically the transgender community. Ted believed in the ball of sludge he called his heart that transgender people used public restrooms with the same intentions as Republican Senator Larry Craig. He went so far as to suggest that they should not be allowed to use any public restrooms, prompting us to strike back and attempt to have him banned from the same facilities.
In the end, Ted Cruz 2016 left behind a vile, transphobic, and abusive vision of presidency. He may not have been the Zodiac Killer, but he wasn’t much better.