Tag Archives: Ted Cruz

Make The Annual & METx Great Again!

Two months ago The Annual went on a three week hiatus. During this time we launched our Patreon account and I, Kevin Cole, wrote a play called Great Again.

Great Again takes a satiric look Trump’s dystopian future, and could more specifically be referred to as Our Town for the Trump Administration. The story starts four years into his presidency as we are guided by our narrator, Ben Carson, through the world of Trump. The story also features the likes of Ted Cruz, Vladimir Putin and of course, Ivanka.

I’ll be directing the show as a METx production for Maryland Ensemble Theatre this fall with show dates on Nov 6 & 7th (election eve) and Nov 11 & 12. Mark your calendars.

Want to get involved!? We’ll be hosting Auditions on Monday Sept 26th from 6:30pm-9pm at MET (31 West Patrick St. Frederick, MD) for the following roles: Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, Ted Cruz, Ben Carson, and Paul Manafort & Stephen Miller (The Joint Chiefs). You can email Kevindotcole@gmail.com to set up an audition slot.

NRA Gearing Up To Purchase America’s Naming Rights

In 2008, American’s elected Barack Obama on the premise of change, almost eight years later it seems the biggest change is just around the corner. Inside sources have indicated that the National Rifle Association, a majority stock holder in the House and the Senate, is preparing to flex their influence and purchase the naming rights to the United States. In 2014 the NRA spent $974,152 buying out individual congressmen, yet in 2013 they raised over $300 million and this surplus will soon be spent on a major political power play.

We reached out to NRA President Wayne LaPierre and he assured us that any changes would be minimal. “In most cases you’ll still be able to say you’re a ‘United States’ citizen, even when using abbreviations our great country’s title will be almost identical, with the exception of one letter.” The USAR.

Much to the excitement of AR-15 manufacturers like Barrett, Colt, and Knight’s Armament, the purchase of our country’s naming rights would solidify the AR-15 as a household rifle without the passage of legislation. “Wayne and I had numerous conversations about the upcoming purchase and found that it would only serve to strengthen the second amendment,” remarked former presidential candidate Ted Cruz, who was bought by the NRA for over $65,000. “Once we become the United States of Assault Rifles, it would be false advertising to reject them altogether. I think that’ll help folks sleep better at night.”

Aware of the importance of truth in advertising, the NRA recently acquired master-salesman Donald Trump to head up their latest campaign. “People think radical Islam is a bad word, but no one wants to say Assault Rifle either. Sad! It really is. So we’re going to hogtie the P.C. Police and force them to say it when they pledge allegiance to the great USofAR!” Trump said at a recent sales pitch following the Pulse Nightclub shooting that left 50 dead. “Once I’m running things, everyone will be packing heat. No background checks required. With that kind of firepower we won’t need gods to keep us safe. Trump. NRA. One Nation Under Guns!” he proclaimed as supporters fired celebratory rounds into the air.

With the country about to be bought out, the NRA has assured us that despite the name change, all the basic ingredients will remain the same. Under the United States of Assault Rifles, the second amendment will be safe from harm, just as the infallible slave owners who wrote the Constitution intended it to be.

Kevin Cole

RIP Ted Cruz 2016

This morning we lay to rest a truly vile presidential campaign by the name of Ted Cruz 2016. Oh Ted, we knew you all too well and the things that could be inferred were even worse. While you were never cool enough to be the Zodiac killer, you did everything in your power to be equally despicable.

It was a long road for Ted Cruz 2016, the first to announce his candidacy, (though we all knew in 2013 that the late Jeb Bush 2016 would throw his hat into the ring as soon as the election season began). We never expected Ted to last this long, a phrase no woman has ever uttered, while Cruz’s congressional contemporaries found his staying power to be among his worst assets. Even when he came to speak in The Annual’s hometown we wondered how he would fill 2 hours, then we realized he came to power by embarking on a marathon filibuster in a failed attempt to deny healthcare to millions. Before chasing the presidency, Cruz spent his time preventing others from stimulating their own genitals as would continue to stimulate his own.

He rose to power by consistently placing second, gaining key edorsments from those solely wishing to distance themselves from Donald Trump 2016, among them was the late Jeb Bush. Meanwhile, Cruz 2016 would butt heads with many republican campaigns who have since passed, including Ben Carson 2016 who would find himself locked in a closet with Ted for longer than most thought was humanly possible.

Politicians weren’t the only ones to avoid time in a closet with Ted Cruz 2016, as his own children would rush to keep a physical distance from the candidate whenever he approached them. At a recent campaign event, Cruz was unable to overcome the deafening cries that he “sucks” from a 12 year old heckler. After having the child removed, Cruz remarked that the kid could use a spanking, while this remark may have garnered a 15 second applause from the crowd, it should have garnered raised eyebrows from anyone watching Ted Cruz’s interactions with his own children.

Towards the end of his life, Ted Cruz 2016 sought to gain some of Donald Trump’s life force by turning his attention to minorities, specifically the transgender community. Ted believed in the ball of sludge he called his heart that transgender people used public restrooms with the same intentions as Republican Senator Larry Craig. He went so far as to suggest that they should not be allowed to use any public restrooms, prompting us to strike back and attempt to have him banned from the same facilities.

In the end, Ted Cruz 2016 left behind a vile, transphobic, and abusive vision of presidency. He may not have been the Zodiac Killer, but he wasn’t much better.

Kevin Cole

Sign our Petition: Ban Ted Cruz from All Public Restrooms

Over the weekend, we started a petition to ban presidential candidate Ted Cruz from all public restrooms. We at The Annual feel this is best for the safety of our children and all innocent bathroom goers. If you sign one web-based petition, we hope you will head over to change.org and help protect our public bathrooms from this notable creep.

Recently, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz came out against the rights of trans people to use any public restrooms. While the self appointed captain of the Bathroom Police claims to be concerned about the safety of children and innocent bathroom goers, this is where the Christian idealist fails to truly know thyself.

While feigning concern about the safety of children, Ted Cruz has been actively supported by the Duggar family. This family notably spent years covering up Josh Duggar’s incestuous, child abuse scandal. If Ted Cruz trusts the Duggars, can we trust Ted Cruz to use the same bathrooms as our children?

To make matters worse, during his time in Princeton, Cruz would often don a bathrobe and loiter around the women’s dormitory. President or not, what’s to stop this man from doing the same near our public restrooms? Not only is it dangerous for this man to be using the same bathrooms as the general public, but he could cause just as much trouble from outside these facilities.

This petition will call on President Obama to sign an executive order banning Ted Cruz from entering or standing within 50 feet of any public restroom in the United States of America. Let’s keep Lucifer out of our latrines!

Click here to ban Ted Cruz from all public restrooms.

Kevin Cole

Donald J. Trump Statement Regarding Abortion (2nd Revision)

Abortion is a tricky subject. There are a lot of layers. A lot of Layers. But my wavering stance on the issue doesn’t mean I’m not right for women, much like Mel Gibson, I know what women want, I hate the jews, and I don’t shy away from using the term sugartits. I know the PC police aren’t fans of that word. “Oh, did you hear Trump said sugartits? How un-PC!” Well tough tits, I know women’s bodies and I understand the government’s right to control them.

The problem is, women don’t know women’s bodies. I know, I can read their minds, like I said: Mel Gibson. What Women Want. Terrific film. I read a woman’s mind on 5th Avenue and all she could think about was having a baby, carrying it to term, and should something happen prior to birth finding peace while serving hard time. That seems fair. But I echo this sentiment and suddenly everyone’s upset with me? Excuse me, but it’s not my fault they can’t make up their minds. So suddenly I’m anti-women? Me?

Even Lyin’ Cruz is stepping up to the plate? Have you seen his wife? He marries and uggo and suddenly he’s a crusader for women’s rights!? THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS TED. I don’t want Ted’s support. I don’t need Ted’s support. But I’m pretty sure we’re both republicans, which means we know a women’s place isn’t in prison – but it’s also not in the work place, I’m looking at you Fiorina.

Look, when I’m president this won’t even be an issue. We won’t have to make abortion illegal because women won’t need abortions. I guarantee it. I have the purest seed and billions of dollars. So when you come to see me on mandatory mating day, trust me, you’re in good large hands.

-Donald J. Trump

Ted Cruz Was The Least Mean To Me

Running for president is a lot like going back to high school. You get to ride a bus, you have a “squad” and your mother is still reluctant to call you her favorite. However, the one thing I wasn’t ready for was the bullies. I thought I did my time, four years of being called four eyes, stuffed in lockers, having your mom refer to you “one of her four least favorite sons.” I left the election because I simply couldn’t take it anymore – every debate I’d show up to I was called loser, Baby-Bush, an accessory to 9/11.

During this time, Ted Cruz stood out as the least mean to me. Ben Carson was fairly polite, in fact, most of the candidates who spent the debates in silence were relatively nice guys. Of the two clear GOP frontrunners, Cruz spent the least amount of time attacking me. He always greeted me onstage with an strained smile. We’d shake hands and then he’d quickly wipe them off as if he had touched an unclean animal, but not once did he called me “a stink-faced weakling.”

Lately there have been allegations all over the web, claiming that Ted is actually the zodiac killer? I’m not sure how this got started, but as someone who has spent considerable time in the same room as Ted and I can safely say that he never murdered me. Do you remember the time Ben Carson said he stabbed a guy? I think “killer-Cruz” would have had a great chance to one-up him if he was a serial killer. And even if he is, so what? At least he’s cooped up in the White House for four years instead of roaming San Francisco looking for an easy kill.

This is why I am endorsing Ted Cruz. He wasn’t terribly mean to me, and if he’s president, he probably won’t kill you.

Jeb Bush

RIP Dr. Ben Carson 2016

At 2:10pm on March 2nd, 2016, Dr. Ben Carson 2016, unable to see a path forward, took advantage of his medical degree and found it was time for a “death with dignity.” Carson 2016 lived for a short 10 months, a time which seemed to feel like an eternity for the candidate.  Lost in the throws of medicinal retirement, the candidate enjoyed thorough bedrest until 10 minutes prior to every campaign event. This experimental method of sleep-campaigning was initially believed to leave candidates more energetic than ever imagined, though it had the opposite effect on Carson 2016.

We at The Annual covered the lifespan of Dr. Ben Carson 2016 from the start when we pegged him as a candidate akin to Dr. Frankenstein. We followed Carson 2016 closely in the early days of the debates, a simpler time when he seemed to be a soft spoken version of Donald Trump 2016, a potential frontrunner capable of making sensible xenophobic statements our families could echo on Facebook. He soon spiraled out of control with his revisionist views on history which some say verged on historic-fan-fiction. Eventually we got a glimpse behind the candidates’ eyes to see the world as he does.

Once a contender, Carson 2016 soon fell behind in the polls. On the night of the first primary, Ted Cruz 2016 began to spread rumors that Carson 2016 had left the race. This led to a tense 30 minute meeting in a closet between the two which ultimately did little to save their friendship. Just a day after Super Tuesday, Dr. Ben Carson 2016 admitted that the rumors were true, he had ended his campaign weeks prior when Cruz 2016 initially spread the word. From that point on he was in the race to prove that he was the bigger man. It was clear the candidate no longer cared about electability when he said he would break from party lines to nominate a new supreme court justice if he only had a year left in office.  This nomination would not be made on the basis of legal skills but the fruit salad of the nominee’s soul, which led him to announce his cabinet consisting of The Wiggles.

With his passing, we at The Annual would like to award Dr. Ben Carson 2016 with our first President-Superlative for History’s Least Enthusiastic Candidate. Never before have we seen a candidate enter and exit the fray with a noncommittal “meh.” We hope this brings about a new age of presidential candidates who just can’t find anything better to do.  At last, Dr. Ben Carson 2016 can get the rest he so eagerly desired. Goodnight, sweet prince.

Minute by Minute Speculation About What Happened During the 30 minutes Ted Cruz and Ben Carson Spent in the Closet Together

Recent reports have an uncovered an attempt by Ted Cruz and Ben Carson to set aside their differences while meeting privately in a storage closet. As the GOP fights to get into the room where it happens, a nation is focused solely on what happened in that closet. Once the news hit the web, our political analyst Lydia Hadfield began to break down the pair’s secret meeting.

Minute 1: Cruz wants to turn the light off, Carson wants the light left on.
Minute 2: Carson explains that “scary ghoulies” come out when the lights are turned off.
Minute 3: Cruz tells Carson he doesn’t want God to see what happens next
Minute 4: Carson knocks over a janitor’s bucket.
Minute 5: Cruz whisper-yells at Carson, “Now everyone will know we’re in here!”
Minute 6: Carson starts to cry.
Minute 7: Cruz pulls Carson upright when Carson is about to slide down the wall and sit in the puddle.
Minute 8: Cruz cradles Carson’s head to his breast and softly starts to sing “Memories” from Cats.
Minute 9: Carson comments that it’s a nice song, and he can hear Cruz’s chest buzzing with music.
Minute 10: Cruz says, “Before I say anything, let me say, I love my wife.”
Minute 11: Carson says that “all females are sacred when they are in the womb, or pouch if they’re a marsupial.” Cruz asks Carson if he can hear his heartbeat.
Minute 12: Carson listens.
Minute 13: Carson listens some more.
Minute 14: “Whose heartbeat, yours or mine?” Carson asks for clarification.
Minute 15: “Mine,” says Cruz, very slowly.
Minute 16: Carson presses his ear harder against Carson’s soft, denim encased breast
Minute 17: Carson listens
Minute 18: Carson closes his eyes and listens.
Minute 19: Carson tells Cruz he can turn out the lights because he feels safe now.
Minute 20: Cruz shoves Carson petulantly away and asks if he can hear how hurt his heart is by the mean things they’ve been saying about each other.
Minute 21: Carson says that he is not a heart specialist. He begins an anecdote about a “splinky” brain tumor he encountered when he was actively practicing.
Minute 22: Cruz finds a snack-size packet of Fritos on the janitorial shelf and begins stress eating.
Minute 23: Carson doesn’t remember what happened next in the story. He sits in the puddle and prays to God to help remind him.
Minute 24: Cruz tells Carson that he often thought they could be pals if they weren’t rivals.
Minute 25: Carson holds a finger to his lips to indicate that he is praying, not listening.
Minute 26: Cruz begins to pray silently, acting like he is asking God for help in speaking to Carson, but really he is asking God to forgive him for breaking his strict campaign-trail diet, and for God to please not let Heidi notice the Fritolicious scent on his breath.
Minute 27: Carson winds up his anecdote recalling that God spoke to him in a mid-surgery nap and told him where to find the tumor.
Minute 28: Carson notices a dead cricket by the puddle when he is sitting. Points it out to Cruz.
Minute 29: Cruz gasps, “Jesus Christ!” He hates crickets and begins monologue about the subject and how it stemmed from a fourth grade sleepover
Minute 30: Carson nods, “Jesus spoke to me through that cricket too. And he says we should stop saying so many mean things about each other.”
Minute 31: Mild arguing about who should leave the closet first. Cruz leaves. Carson stays for forty eight more minutes by himself.

Lydia Hadfield

I’m Carly Fiorina and I STILL Need Your Vote

Ladies and Gentlemen, of which those are the only options,

I stand before you today to announce my run for President of the United States. That is to say, contrary to popular belief, I am continuing my campaign for the presidency. I feel the need to make this statement because over the weekend I saw a truly disturbing video, one in which I stated that I would be ending my campaign.

I’m sure that many of you reading this statement are asking yourselves “How come Carly didn’t notice this right after the New Hampshire Primary?” Well, you don’t become the CEO of Hewlett-Packard by googling yourself. Imagine my surprise as I was preparing my acceptance speech for the Republican Nomination when word of mouth finally reached the office stating that I had resigned.

In reviewing the footage it should come to no surprise that my “resignation” was heavily edited. Analysts for the Fiorina campaign believe this footage came from the Center for Political Progress, a Ted Cruz run, Anti-Carly Super PAC. To their credit the video is expertly constructed, it does not appear as separate chunks of my speeches strung together, much like viral videos of the president singing Never Gonna Give You Up. Instead, the footage looks like one concession speech, which I assure you never occurred. My council and I are exploring our legal options as we would like to remind those responsible that it is possible to be indicted in cases of tampering with footage. It happened to two close friends of mine.

I am absolutely devastated to find that some people would be so ruthless as to falsify information in order to take me down. I have not aborted my campaign. If you live in South Carolina, or any state, and planned to support me before, please go out on polling day and cast your vote for Carly Fiorina.

Carly Fiorina