Tag Archives: Ted Cruz

Make The Annual & METx Great Again!

Two months ago The Annual went on a three week hiatus. During this time we launched our Patreon account and I, Kevin Cole, wrote a play called Great Again.

Great Again takes a satiric look Trump’s dystopian future, and could more specifically be referred to as Our Town for the Trump Administration. The story starts four years into his presidency as we are guided by our narrator, Ben Carson, through the world of Trump. The story also features the likes of Ted Cruz, Vladimir Putin and of course, Ivanka.

I’ll be directing the show as a METx production for Maryland Ensemble Theatre this fall with show dates on Nov 6 & 7th (election eve) and Nov 11 & 12. Mark your calendars.

Want to get involved!? We’ll be hosting Auditions on Monday Sept 26th from 6:30pm-9pm at MET (31 West Patrick St. Frederick, MD) for the following roles: Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, Ted Cruz, Ben Carson, and Paul Manafort & Stephen Miller (The Joint Chiefs). You can email Kevindotcole@gmail.com to set up an audition slot.

NRA Gearing Up To Purchase America’s Naming Rights

In 2008, American’s elected Barack Obama on the premise of change, almost eight years later it seems the biggest change is just around the corner. Inside sources have indicated that the National Rifle Association, a majority stock holder in the House and the Senate, is preparing to flex their influence and purchase the naming rights to the United States. In 2014 the NRA spent $974,152 buying out individual congressmen, yet in 2013 they raised over $300 million and this surplus will soon be spent on a major political power play.

We reached out to NRA President Wayne LaPierre and he assured us that any changes would be minimal. “In most cases you’ll still be able to say you’re a ‘United States’ citizen, even when using abbreviations our great country’s title will be almost identical, with the exception of one letter.” The USAR.

Much to the excitement of AR-15 manufacturers like Barrett, Colt, and Knight’s Armament, the purchase of our country’s naming rights would solidify the AR-15 as a household rifle without the passage of legislation. “Wayne and I had numerous conversations about the upcoming purchase and found that it would only serve to strengthen the second amendment,” remarked former presidential candidate Ted Cruz, who was bought by the NRA for over $65,000. “Once we become the United States of Assault Rifles, it would be false advertising to reject them altogether. I think that’ll help folks sleep better at night.”

Aware of the importance of truth in advertising, the NRA recently acquired master-salesman Donald Trump to head up their latest campaign. “People think radical Islam is a bad word, but no one wants to say Assault Rifle either. Sad! It really is. So we’re going to hogtie the P.C. Police and force them to say it when they pledge allegiance to the great USofAR!” Trump said at a recent sales pitch following the Pulse Nightclub shooting that left 50 dead. “Once I’m running things, everyone will be packing heat. No background checks required. With that kind of firepower we won’t need gods to keep us safe. Trump. NRA. One Nation Under Guns!” he proclaimed as supporters fired celebratory rounds into the air.

With the country about to be bought out, the NRA has assured us that despite the name change, all the basic ingredients will remain the same. Under the United States of Assault Rifles, the second amendment will be safe from harm, just as the infallible slave owners who wrote the Constitution intended it to be.

Kevin Cole

RIP Ted Cruz 2016

This morning we lay to rest a truly vile presidential campaign by the name of Ted Cruz 2016. Oh Ted, we knew you all too well and the things that could be inferred were even worse. While you were never cool enough to be the Zodiac killer, you did everything in your power to be equally despicable.

It was a long road for Ted Cruz 2016, the first to announce his candidacy, (though we all knew in 2013 that the late Jeb Bush 2016 would throw his hat into the ring as soon as the election season began). We never expected Ted to last this long, a phrase no woman has ever uttered, while Cruz’s congressional contemporaries found his staying power to be among his worst assets. Even when he came to speak in The Annual’s hometown we wondered how he would fill 2 hours, then we realized he came to power by embarking on a marathon filibuster in a failed attempt to deny healthcare to millions. Before chasing the presidency, Cruz spent his time preventing others from stimulating their own genitals as would continue to stimulate his own.

He rose to power by consistently placing second, gaining key edorsments from those solely wishing to distance themselves from Donald Trump 2016, among them was the late Jeb Bush. Meanwhile, Cruz 2016 would butt heads with many republican campaigns who have since passed, including Ben Carson 2016 who would find himself locked in a closet with Ted for longer than most thought was humanly possible.

Politicians weren’t the only ones to avoid time in a closet with Ted Cruz 2016, as his own children would rush to keep a physical distance from the candidate whenever he approached them. At a recent campaign event, Cruz was unable to overcome the deafening cries that he “sucks” from a 12 year old heckler. After having the child removed, Cruz remarked that the kid could use a spanking, while this remark may have garnered a 15 second applause from the crowd, it should have garnered raised eyebrows from anyone watching Ted Cruz’s interactions with his own children.

Towards the end of his life, Ted Cruz 2016 sought to gain some of Donald Trump’s life force by turning his attention to minorities, specifically the transgender community. Ted believed in the ball of sludge he called his heart that transgender people used public restrooms with the same intentions as Republican Senator Larry Craig. He went so far as to suggest that they should not be allowed to use any public restrooms, prompting us to strike back and attempt to have him banned from the same facilities.

In the end, Ted Cruz 2016 left behind a vile, transphobic, and abusive vision of presidency. He may not have been the Zodiac Killer, but he wasn’t much better.

Kevin Cole

Sign our Petition: Ban Ted Cruz from All Public Restrooms

Over the weekend, we started a petition to ban presidential candidate Ted Cruz from all public restrooms. We at The Annual feel this is best for the safety of our children and all innocent bathroom goers. If you sign one web-based petition, we hope you will head over to change.org and help protect our public bathrooms from this notable creep.

Recently, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz came out against the rights of trans people to use any public restrooms. While the self appointed captain of the Bathroom Police claims to be concerned about the safety of children and innocent bathroom goers, this is where the Christian idealist fails to truly know thyself.

While feigning concern about the safety of children, Ted Cruz has been actively supported by the Duggar family. This family notably spent years covering up Josh Duggar’s incestuous, child abuse scandal. If Ted Cruz trusts the Duggars, can we trust Ted Cruz to use the same bathrooms as our children?

To make matters worse, during his time in Princeton, Cruz would often don a bathrobe and loiter around the women’s dormitory. President or not, what’s to stop this man from doing the same near our public restrooms? Not only is it dangerous for this man to be using the same bathrooms as the general public, but he could cause just as much trouble from outside these facilities.

This petition will call on President Obama to sign an executive order banning Ted Cruz from entering or standing within 50 feet of any public restroom in the United States of America. Let’s keep Lucifer out of our latrines!

Click here to ban Ted Cruz from all public restrooms.

Kevin Cole

Donald J. Trump Statement Regarding Abortion (2nd Revision)

Abortion is a tricky subject. There are a lot of layers. A lot of Layers. But my wavering stance on the issue doesn’t mean I’m not right for women, much like Mel Gibson, I know what women want, I hate the jews, and I don’t shy away from using the term sugartits. I know the PC police aren’t fans of that word. “Oh, did you hear Trump said sugartits? How un-PC!” Well tough tits, I know women’s bodies and I understand the government’s right to control them.

The problem is, women don’t know women’s bodies. I know, I can read their minds, like I said: Mel Gibson. What Women Want. Terrific film. I read a woman’s mind on 5th Avenue and all she could think about was having a baby, carrying it to term, and should something happen prior to birth finding peace while serving hard time. That seems fair. But I echo this sentiment and suddenly everyone’s upset with me? Excuse me, but it’s not my fault they can’t make up their minds. So suddenly I’m anti-women? Me?

Even Lyin’ Cruz is stepping up to the plate? Have you seen his wife? He marries and uggo and suddenly he’s a crusader for women’s rights!? THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS TED. I don’t want Ted’s support. I don’t need Ted’s support. But I’m pretty sure we’re both republicans, which means we know a women’s place isn’t in prison – but it’s also not in the work place, I’m looking at you Fiorina.

Look, when I’m president this won’t even be an issue. We won’t have to make abortion illegal because women won’t need abortions. I guarantee it. I have the purest seed and billions of dollars. So when you come to see me on mandatory mating day, trust me, you’re in good large hands.

-Donald J. Trump

Ted Cruz Was The Least Mean To Me

Running for president is a lot like going back to high school. You get to ride a bus, you have a “squad” and your mother is still reluctant to call you her favorite. However, the one thing I wasn’t ready for was the bullies. I thought I did my time, four years of being called four eyes, stuffed in lockers, having your mom refer to you “one of her four least favorite sons.” I left the election because I simply couldn’t take it anymore – every debate I’d show up to I was called loser, Baby-Bush, an accessory to 9/11.

During this time, Ted Cruz stood out as the least mean to me. Ben Carson was fairly polite, in fact, most of the candidates who spent the debates in silence were relatively nice guys. Of the two clear GOP frontrunners, Cruz spent the least amount of time attacking me. He always greeted me onstage with an strained smile. We’d shake hands and then he’d quickly wipe them off as if he had touched an unclean animal, but not once did he called me “a stink-faced weakling.”

Lately there have been allegations all over the web, claiming that Ted is actually the zodiac killer? I’m not sure how this got started, but as someone who has spent considerable time in the same room as Ted and I can safely say that he never murdered me. Do you remember the time Ben Carson said he stabbed a guy? I think “killer-Cruz” would have had a great chance to one-up him if he was a serial killer. And even if he is, so what? At least he’s cooped up in the White House for four years instead of roaming San Francisco looking for an easy kill.

This is why I am endorsing Ted Cruz. He wasn’t terribly mean to me, and if he’s president, he probably won’t kill you.

Jeb Bush