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BREAKING: Local Team To Just Pack It In After Interacting with Fan Base on Social Media

DALLAS – A push toward an increased social media presence has backfired for the Dallas Mavericks. According to Marketing Director Brian Stewart, “All we’ve been told by new media experts is to interact with the fans more. So we started posting videos the players take at team meals and fun costume contests for them to enjoy. Last October we wished everyone a Happy Halloween, and posted a pumpkin with our logo carved in it.”

However, Stewart explained the team has not received the reaction it expected. An investigation into the Facebook post’s comments reveal the team’s supporters just wanted to stick their penis in the pumpkin holes and fuck it.

Stewart noted that whenever the team’s German-born center Dirk Nowitzki does anything—good or bad—he is called a Nazi. “It’s really not clear if our fans are pro- or anti-Nazi,” Stewart said.

“We also have an area where people can submit fan photos of Mavs stuff, but we haven’t been able to publish a single picture, because they’ve all been penises. Tons and tons of penises,” Stewart lamented. “One in a hundred will maybe try to draw our logo on the shaft, but that doesn’t make it much better.”

Moving forward, the team is working on a new plan. “We’ll either just close all team activities to the public—practices, games, everything—or we’ll just leave and maybe go to another city. It’s ridiculous we play here to entertain these assholes,” Stewart said. As of press time, every other city in the world also contained tons of assholes. Penis-wielding assholes.

Scott Travers, AP

This breaking news was originally published in The Annual #5

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Local Fat Kid Not Fooling Anyone

BRANSON, Missouri — Local high school student Michael Medlock, 17, is under the impression that he has developed a number of methods to hide his girth from his classmates. While walking to class he holds each backpack strap to hide his body. “People think I just have a lot of heavy books. I’m sure it gets them every time.”

However, many of Michael’s classmates disagree. Student Christa Pamplar said, “We all know why he always has his bag. He carries it everywhere; to gym class, even to lunch, where you clearly don’t need books.” Michael’s friends say he will go to fast food restaurants at odd hours to avoid being seen. “There is no way he would ever go to Burger King during dinner when other people might see him there,” Gardner Hart said.

“No I don’t go during those times,” Michael says, “because of course I’m there, they would think. They assume I’m there, so I have to fight that.” Michael uses other methods to disguise his heft, including stepping halfway off an elevator in order to ease the process of redistributing his massive weight, and wearing a jacket well into May.

“I tell people my mom will get mad if I don’t wear a jacket,” Michael said. As of press time, Michael was wearing a dark shirt with vertical lines and the one pair of jeans that didn’t make him look like a total fatass.

Scott Travers, AP

Local Fat Kid Not Fooling Anyone originally appeared in The Annual #3! Purchase your copy today!