Tag Archives: The Annual

President Trump Vows to Give Up Denouncing Anti-Semitism for Lent

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an executive order, which many are calling a clear violation of the separation of church and state, President Donald Trump declared he would give up the act of denouncing anti-Semitism for Lent.

“The touchy-feely Anne Frank Center may think I’m not tough on anti-Semitism, but I’m about to show those Jews what fighting hate really looks like,” Trump announced in a brief statement to the press. “Anyone can give up chocolate for Lent. Easy. What I plan to do is going to be very tough for this administration. Recently, I’ve felt like I could denounce a different act of anti-Semitism daily, but for the next 40 days I’ve chosen not to. As we get closer to Passover, I’m sure this will become a very difficult task, but I am doing it to prove my dedication to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the King of the Jews. And he really was, ask any rabbi, they’ll tell you.”

President Trump went on to explain how much he would like to speak out about the recent string of attacks against the Jewish community, if it were not in violation of his religious freedom.

High-ranking members of the administration, including Steve Bannon, Stephen Miller, and Jeff Sessions, were notably eager to join the President in his 40 day fast.

“I can’t imagine doing more to help the Jews,” Bannon noted with a glint of joy in his eye as he took credit for helping draft the latest executive order.

“Who says this Lent thing has to be 40 days—maybe if goes well, we’ll make it 80,” he added.

One element of the order that has drawn harsh criticism is the President’s call for the FBI to cease its investigations into anti-Semitic hate crimes, notably the recent vandalism at historic Jewish cemeteries and bomb threats made to Jewish Community Centers across the nation. When asked about this element of the order, Press Secretary Sean Spicer became notably hostile.

“No one is telling the FBI to cease investigations!” Spicer snapped “We’re simply asking them to dial it back and focus on God for once. If someone should spray-paint a swastika on a synagogue door, we ask that instead of launching an investigation, the FBI simply ask God for help.”

He went on to clarify that after the 40 day fasting period, the FBI could return to investigating any hate crimes they happened to remember, as they are not to log the crimes committed during Lent. 

An unnamed source close to both the administration and the church noted that Trump also intends to give up golden showers for the duration of Lent. He is noticeably more concerned about that.

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Why You Really Shouldn’t Give A Shit About Mariah Carey’s New Year’s Performance

On New Years Eve, pop sensation Mariah Carey was the last to fall victim to the curse of 2016. Live on Ryan Seacrest’s Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Years Mariah suffered the career embarrassment to end all career embarrassments. You can watch the clip below:

As truly embarrassing as this is for Mariah–who claims she was set up as part of a publicity stunt by Dick Clark Productions to boost ratings for what is probably the most-watched New Years Special– you should not give a shit about it. Here’s why…

mariah-2You’re not Mariah Carey, and what on God’s green earth makes you think you are? Who are you, anyway? You have some gall to question the Goddess that is Mariah Carey. “Shit happens” as she said, but even the good shit you experience will be but a fraction of the best shit that Mariah enjoys on a daily basis. After all, she is Mariah and you are… who did you say you were? Steve?

But let’s not forget the most important reason that you shouldn’t give a shit about Mariah’s New Year’s performance…

mariahDONALD TRUMP IS ABOUT TO BECOME THE GODDAMN PRESIDENT.

mariah-3In almost two weeks, Donald Trump, the fucking “you’re fired” guy, is going to be the leader of the free world. And maybe you’ve been too upset about Mariah to notice that Mayor McCheese has stuffed his cabinet full of white supremacists and straight-up Nazis!

mariah-4To make matters worse, Congressional Republicans just held a secret vote to gut the Office of Congressional Ethics, but then pulled the measure because the Supreme Leader essentially said “Woah, woah, not so fast guys! Let’s bury the lead a bit on ethics, take care of that in week two. We have to focus on OBAMACARE!”

WASHINGTON, DC - FEBRUARY 08: Singer-songwriter Mariah Carey performs onstage at BET Honors 2014 at Warner Theatre on February 8, 2014 in Washington, DC. (Photo by Kris Connor/BET/Getty Images for BET)
WASHINGTON, DC – FEBRUARY 08: Singer-songwriter Mariah Carey performs onstage at BET Honors 2014 at Warner Theatre on February 8, 2014 in Washington, DC. (Photo by Kris Connor/BET/Getty Images for BET)

Speaking of which, if PRESIDENT TRUMP guts Obamacare, you’ll be begging for Mariah to fuck up as badly as she did on New Years because LAUGHTER IS THE ONLY MEDICINE YOU WILL BE ABLE TO AFFORD.

mariah-6

So maybe cut the queen some slack, kiddos! Because in six months your president will be lip syncing poorly to Putin’s greatest hits in order to avoid another Cold War.

Kevin Cole

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LOOKING BACK: Reaching for the best of 2016

Let’s be blunt, no one wants to begin 2017 by remembering 2016. But those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it, and you don’t want to kill the Great Barrier Reef AGAIN!

While the most important moment of 2016 is yet to be written, the fact that women with unshaven body parts are everywhere is something that should undoubtedly exploited. Sure, as a boy, I’ve been accustomed to the shaven side of most well-judged women. Mom had mention that French women never shaved under their armpits, which horrified me as a young lad, since it had been known to me that only uncivilized ladies would do that sort of thing. Of course, my first visual introduction to armpit fuzz was in a Playboy edition of an iconic hairy Madonna from early naked depictions, which nearly, kind of appalled me. However, the truth is, women in 2016 are unapologetic and proudly growing hair in all its natural delight. An undisputed marvel that has been demonstrated to me in 2016. What will the following year reveal for the contemporary woman, I dare ask?

James McGarvey

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