Tag Archives: Tindr

New App Combines TINDR and UBER; Cheap Desperate Clients Thrilled

(Baltimore City, MD) – A New app is launching just in time for Valentine’s Day! CLIMAX, a new app combining two popular apps into one all-inclusive dating and ride service. Using the methodology between TINDR – a dating service app – and UBER – a taxi-like car service app – CLIMAX is set to “take customers places they’ve never been before” in more ways than one.

To use the app, new members must create a profile. The profile forces each member to provide their gender, age, location, and what type of “adventures” they are willing to go on. Once you have created your profile, you use the app whenever you need (or would like) a ride somewhere. Once you’ve entered your current location and the destination you would like to go, a list of “Available Drivers” will be displayed. You can look at all available drivers, then select the one that matches your interest in “adventures.”

When you’ve selected a driver, they will pick you up at your location. Get in and the “adventure” begins. “Adventures” are left to the imagination of you and your driver, however the majority of users in the app’s test-group said they “just want sex.”

“God, this is the perfect app!” says Tina Hildebrand, a student at Towson University. “I really needed a ride home from the bar, but I was also horny! Being a broke college student, using my body to pay for a ride I urgently needed just made sense, economically.”

CLIMAX users complained about the flippant nature of TINDR:

“Guys just swipe right to anything, and when you try to talk to them, they ignore you if you’re ugly,” said Heather Jensen, a hideous single mother of two.

“But with CLIMAX, most of them don’t even care what I look like, as long as I can please them before I get dropped off at my kid’s daycare!”

“I don’t know why someone didn’t think of this sooner,” says Ladarius Jingle, a bank teller for Wells Fargo.

“It’s like a one-night-stand booty call, but you also get a ride? How much better can it get? If you’re the driver, you’re basically a pimp, but all the work is done for you, and you just get the benefits of beautiful ladies on your junk. I’m making a profile right now!”

Other focus groups complained about the UBER driving service.

“It’s just, I don’t really know what I’m getting into, you know?” says Greg Nightingale. “I mean, I can see if people gave them good reviews they might be alright, but people make fake reviews everyday now! It could be a serial killer for God’s sake! But with CLIMAX, I get a look at who’s coming, learn a bit about them, and the PLEASE-O-METER is definitely more useful than any numbers of stars I could give an UBER driver!”

The CLIMAX app expects heavy usage in the next few weeks, especially with lonely singles hitting the streets harder than crack-cocaine in Baltimore.

“We are well prepared and expecting a lot of traffic coming into our servers,” says William Vector, the creator of CLIMAX.

“Having to be around loving couples, your parents nagging you to get married and start a family, people judging you, it’s a lot of pressure. This app helps alleviate that. Let someone else do the driving; let someone else take care of you; or just let off a little steam in the backseat of a Honda Accord on your way to the local animal shelter to pick up your third cat. The possibilities are endless!”

William also stated that extremely populous areas like New York City and the District of Columbia would be a huge client base for this app.

“Parking in these huge cities is a nightmare! People screaming, honking, or just trying to make them hit you with your car to collect some insurance money. With CLIMAX, you get in and out (and in and out) quickly and hassle free! Plus the endorphins released by your body will make you a happier person, and cheer you up for the entire day. If enough people use our app, we could really have a chance at world peace!”

While praise for the app has been universal, a few users did find one issue; repeat customers.

“Once you’ve had an ‘adventure’ with one driver or passenger, you can never match with that person again,” noticed Irene Salinger, an inner city librarian. “I mean, why not? I think we really had a connection, and now I’m never going to see him again? That’s crazy! IT’S INSANE! WHERE ARE YOU JACOB????”

So this Valentine’s Day, why not find out who can make you CLIMAX in your town?

T.M. Scholtes

Ep 11 – The Deathisode

Last Hurrah iTunesEpisode 11 of The Last Hurrah is now online! You can click the picture above to listen!

This weekend came to a close in an abandoned house. Kevin Cole greeted the boys and girls in the audience, got them to stand up and introduced a new segment called “Talk Dirty To Me: The Real Life Transcripts of Young Men Looking For Love.” Then, the panel came, Caitlyn Joy, James McGarvey, and Emily Perper, they discussed men with 132 Lb Scrotums, various hospital events, missing kids, deaths, and death. Oh, and James introduced his newest segment: Nurse Jiggy’s Hospital Talk.

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Please support the show by subscribing and reviewing the show on itunes and join us Sundays at 7pm at the Maryland Ensemble Theatre.