Tag Archives: Trump 2016

Vetting Trump’s VP Picks

Donald,

I have taken the liberty of vetting your Vice Presidential short list to ensure electability. Each potential candidate has been broken down using the following ranking system: Winner, Loser and Sad! Please take the time to consider the information provided. Remember: While it may be tempting to pick a loser in an attempt to strengthen your brand, there’s no need for overcompensation at this point.

Dr. Ben Carson: Winner

We all know you have a token black friend, but it’s time to up the ante with a token black vice president. Not only will Ben Carson help secure the black vote, he holds beliefs that your white supporters are comfortable with. Make him your VP, and we’ll put a white man in the White House and keep another on the twenty-dollar bill.

Chris Christie: Loser

Let’s face it. Chris was so quick to endorse you because he had to attach himself to a winner to wipe away the shame of his pitiful campaign. You don’t want that tub of lard clogging you hallways. Give him a throwaway position, like “Head Transitionary Drone.” Let him feel good about himself for once.

Pamela Anderson: Sad!

Sure, she was the last model to pose nude for Playboy, but men don’t want her anymore. If you really plan to make a woman your vice president, you’ll have to break the top 100 porn stars working today. Otherwise, you might as well make Hillary Clinton your VP—or worse, Carly Fiorina.

Meat Loaf: Winner

He may not have been the apprentice, but he came close. Loaf spent some time out of the spotlight, but what’s important to remember is polls show he would do anything for love, and that includes running as your vice president. Added bonus: He would provide a nice incentive for those working in the Trump Executive Kitchen to make America meat loaf again.

Gary Busey: Sad!

We both know Gary was ratings dynamite, but he will like provide too much—what’s the word—chutzpah for this election season. Your big thing is you speak your mind, and you wouldn’t want a vice president with the same gimmick but an even more dangerous, surrealist mind.

Ernst Tremmel: Sad!

Unfortunately, Mr. Tremmel passed away in early April, shortly after you had compiled your list of potential VPs. Sad indeed, as Ernst would have been a big hit amongst current supporters. While he may not have been an American citizen, his work for his country as a guard at Auschwitz goes a long way to prove his loyalty, and the fact that had not yet been convicted of war crimes would have made him unimpeachable.

Hillary Clinton: Winner

She may be crooked but, democrats like her and the Koch brothers like her. She may not be your biggest fan but you understand one thing she doesn’t: the art of the deal. Hillary comes with a hefty price tag, but it’s nothing a multi-billionaire like yourself can’t afford. A lot of people will initially ask if you hate each other, but show them that picture of the two of you at your wedding and they’ll know you’re old friends. Do yourself a favor: Use the money you raised selling hats and buy a Democrat.

May your great and massive pointer finger find itself aimed at a winning candidate.

Michael Glassner
Deputy Campaign Manager, Trump 2016

Advertisements

Trump’s Most Recent Bowel Movement

Recently, Donald Trump blasted Hillary Clinton’s bathroom break during the Democratic Debate as “disgusting.” Commentators have been quick to judge Trump without knowing his personal experience on the matter. The following is a minute by minute timeline of his most recent bowel movement:

May 31, 2005 4:47 pm: Donald Trump takes a small swig of water during an Apprentice boardroom taping when his stomach makes a slight gurgle.

5:04 pm: Stomach rumbles intensify.

5:10 pm: Sounds emitting from the depths of Trump’s bowels make it impossible to continue the day’s taping without causing audio issues. The director pauses the shoot and Trump taps a small button hidden under the the boardroom table.

5:11 pm: Trump rises from his chair, a small fart squeaks through his butt cheeks.

5:13 pm: Trump storms through the halls of Trump tower, gently cropdusting the golden shag carpet beneath his feet. The clock is ticking.

5:14 pm: Trump, alone, enters the Executive Boardroom. He lays a finger on a thumbprint scanner and a bookcase descends to reveal the Executive Bathing Suite. Lined wall to wall in ivory tile made from the tusks of elephants hunted by his own sons, a solid gold shitter sits across from him.

5:14:52 pm: Letting out a sigh of relief, one last fart escapes his buttocks. A turd the size of a pearl exits with it.

5:14:54 pm: With very little time left, Trump drops his slacks and sits upon his throne.

5:15:01 pm: The Purge begins.

7:38 pm: Out of breath and hoarse of voice, the last of Trump’s leavings fill the bowl.

7:39 pm: Trump taps a small call bell sitting in the space typically reserved for toilet paper.

7:40 pm: Eight well prepped butlers enter the room, they’ve been waiting for this day. Hoisting Trump to his feet, they take shifts chiseling away at the product of a hard day’s work with the finest silk.

8:02 pm: The clean up is nearly completed as a ninth butler enters to act as a human bidet.

8:04 pm: The nine butlers are taken out back and shot behind Trump Tower to rid the world of witnesses. A new batch will be selected through a future reality program. The silks are sent to a dry cleaner in Chinatown.

8:45 pm: Trump returns to his peaceful slumber, it will be twenty years before another incident.

Kevin Cole

Losers to the Left: Donald Trump’s Debate Rider

To the good people at FOX News,

First and foremost, I’d like to thank you all for treating my candidate with the respect he deserves. You’re among the few news outlets willing to cover Trump under the umbrella of politics, and you’ve got the balls to bring him back to prime-time. With that in mind, my candidate has a formidable background in television production, from The Apprentice to the Miss Universe Beauty Pageants, he knows how to put on a show and simply will not appear on your political pageant unless the following demands are met:

  • Trump is to be placed center stage behind a golden podium emblazoned with “TRUMP” so there is no mistake as to who the king is and where he belongs, front and center.
  • For a nominal fee, Donald Trump is willing to finance the construction of similar TRUMP brand podiums for other prime-time candidates.
  • Dr. Ben Carson is to be placed to the right of Donald Trump to bolster the image that he has black friends.
  • Senator Marco Rubio is to be placed as far away from Trump as possible.
  • It is strongly encouraged that a great wall be built between Rubio and Trump
  • Marco Rubio is to present an American Birth Certificate at the time of the debate as the candidate is concerned that he may be yet another rapist from across the border.
  • Donald Trump will only drink the purest spring water in the world, as such, he is to be provided with a case of Trump Ice Spring Water.
  • Donald Trump will provide Trump Ice Spring Water for all other candidates to consume during the debate.
  • Debate Moderators are to be fitted with complimentary Trump Collection Suits, in exchange, moderators will not discuss the use of foreign labor used to hand sew Trump brand suits and ties.
  • Donald Trump will allow debate moderators to join him on his private island for the thrill of hunting the most dangerous game, provided they stray from the topic of Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump’s love for big game hunting.
  • Donald Trump is to have the first and last say on all issues foreign and domestic.
  • No one outside of Trump’s immediate campaign team may touch him, this includes handshakes.
  • Air conditioners and fans are to be disabled and windows are to be shut to minimize breeze.
  • The venue is to provide one orphan for the purpose of shining the candidate’s shoes.

We greatly appreciate your cooperation and would like to offer our production services for future debates.

Corey Lewandowski
Trump 2016 Campaign Manager