Here’s some news guaranteed to make you feel old, the Nintendo 64 came out twenty years ago today. Hard to believe it’s been so long since you’ve blown dust out of those cartridges like so much cigarette smoke leaving your lungs. Those were simpler times, when you could contort your hands to hold any controller without feeling arthritic pain.
If you’re a true 90s kid you can still hear the sound of those N64 cartridges clacking together in the movement of your own brittle bones. Clackity clack, a collection of games in your bookbag ready to trade with friends. You may not be old enough to play Teen games but you still snap Goldeneye into the console like your bones snap every time you sit down.
One of the great things about the Nintendo 64 was how many of the games stored their own data. You didn’t need an abundance of memory cards or system with a supped up hard drive, the games remembered everything for you. It’s so hard to remember things now, are your grandkids visiting soon? God, it’s been so long. When was the last time the attendant checked in on you? Navi, I think her name was.
Hey! Listen! The N64 is twenty years old. You were in your prime when that thing came out, look at how young you were…
Now your hair’s turned grey and not because of stress. When you hear the phrase “Banjo Kazooie” you probably think of the instruments Bob and Gladys play down in the rec hall, but “Banjo Kazooie” used to be your favorite game. Of course, that was twenty long years ago.
Are you okay? You look kinda worn out. Maybe I should go and let you get some rest. Can’t believe it’s been twenty years, you must feel so old!
This year’s Electronic Entertainment Expo kicks off on Sunday and runs through next week. Luckily for you, there’s no need to wait for E3 to start in order to get the scoop on all things electronic because our elite team of techno-agents working the beat (Elite Beat Agents as we call them) have all the info!
- Nintendo will deliver big with a new Zelda game that looks and plays like every Zelda game ever released.
- Sony and Microsoft will announce mid-cycle console upgrades (code named PS4 Neo and Xbox One Scorpio) that promise to be slightly better but just as expensive as the ones you bought two years ago.
- TBS will roll out a robotic Conan O’Brien to clueless play games with anyone.
- Pac-Man Pacs-Back: The Pac-Attac
- Half the games announced for Q3 2016 at last year’s E3 will now be released Q2 2017.
- Nintendo will announce their newest character revival, Jumpman, his games will be eerily similar to every Mario game that has been released over the last 30 years.
- EA will have a new slew of the same old sports games.
- Bungie will announce a new edition of Halo that takes place from the perspective of a Grunt living on his home world, it is a promising cross between The Sims and your typical first-person shooter.
- A fleeting glimpse at the singularity.
- Bethesda Game Studios will announce that they aren’t going to tell you anything about anything they are working on.
- The next-gen Ball Pit will be unveiled, utilizing orbs of dark matter, it is designed to bring kids back to playgrounds.
- Crash Bandicoot returns for a gritty reboot in which he must escape the clutches of ISIS
- In a surprise announcement, Sega will re-enter the console game but due to third party commitments with Sony, Nintendo and Microsoft, they won’t be able to release any Sonic games for the Dreamcastle.
- Sony will announce a new form of coding that does not conform to the binary.
- Before the end of the expo, a large super magnet will activate, erasing all progress and turning all systems into ATARI 2600s.
- Next year’s E3 will take place entirely on the virtual plane and attendees must be able to afford their own VR-headsets.
–Kevin Cole & Thom Huenger