I have taken the liberty of vetting your Vice Presidential short list to ensure electability. Each potential candidate has been broken down using the following ranking system: Winner, Loser and Sad! Please take the time to consider the information provided. Remember: While it may be tempting to pick a loser in an attempt to strengthen your brand, there’s no need for overcompensation at this point.
Dr. Ben Carson: Winner
We all know you have a token black friend, but it’s time to up the ante with a token black vice president. Not only will Ben Carson help secure the black vote, he holds beliefs that your white supporters are comfortable with. Make him your VP, and we’ll put a white man in the White House and keep another on the twenty-dollar bill.
Chris Christie: Loser
Let’s face it. Chris was so quick to endorse you because he had to attach himself to a winner to wipe away the shame of his pitiful campaign. You don’t want that tub of lard clogging you hallways. Give him a throwaway position, like “Head Transitionary Drone.” Let him feel good about himself for once.
Pamela Anderson: Sad!
Sure, she was the last model to pose nude for Playboy, but men don’t want her anymore. If you really plan to make a woman your vice president, you’ll have to break the top 100 porn stars working today. Otherwise, you might as well make Hillary Clinton your VP—or worse, Carly Fiorina.
Meat Loaf: Winner
He may not have been the apprentice, but he came close. Loaf spent some time out of the spotlight, but what’s important to remember is polls show he would do anything for love, and that includes running as your vice president. Added bonus: He would provide a nice incentive for those working in the Trump Executive Kitchen to make America meat loaf again.
Gary Busey: Sad!
We both know Gary was ratings dynamite, but he will like provide too much—what’s the word—chutzpah for this election season. Your big thing is you speak your mind, and you wouldn’t want a vice president with the same gimmick but an even more dangerous, surrealist mind.
Ernst Tremmel: Sad!
Unfortunately, Mr. Tremmel passed away in early April, shortly after you had compiled your list of potential VPs. Sad indeed, as Ernst would have been a big hit amongst current supporters. While he may not have been an American citizen, his work for his country as a guard at Auschwitz goes a long way to prove his loyalty, and the fact that had not yet been convicted of war crimes would have made him unimpeachable.
Hillary Clinton: Winner
She may be crooked but, democrats like her and the Koch brothers like her. She may not be your biggest fan but you understand one thing she doesn’t: the art of the deal. Hillary comes with a hefty price tag, but it’s nothing a multi-billionaire like yourself can’t afford. A lot of people will initially ask if you hate each other, but show them that picture of the two of you at your wedding and they’ll know you’re old friends. Do yourself a favor: Use the money you raised selling hats and buy a Democrat.
May your great and massive pointer finger find itself aimed at a winning candidate.
Deputy Campaign Manager, Trump 2016