Tag Archives: Weather

Weather is our Most Important Asset

Producers, reporters, and meteorologists,

Thank you for joining me. Here at NBC 37, we strive to provide the greater Pensacola area with the finest in local journalism, we’ve got an Emmy winning team of reporters and photographers who are not only the best in the area, but the best in the business. Recently, we’ve paid a consulting firm big money to find out what it is our viewers look for when they tune into the local news and suffice to say, it’s not Emmy worthy reporting. In fact, the one thing viewers look for more than any other programing is the weather. So with that said, I’d like unveil our next step in local programing: complete weather domination.

We are primed and ready to prove to our audience that we are fully capable of controlling weather coverage. Now, a lot of you may think that the battle is already lost with weather apps readily available to anyone with a smart phone, but we have to be better than the app. We will be better than the app.

To begin, our ten minute news block will be switched with our three minute weather block. That means, at the top of every half hour, I want to see smiling anchors tossing to a nine and a half minute weather segment and I don’t want to see or hear from them until it’s time to toss to commercial.

In the following block, our meteorologists will open with a one minute recap of the weather forcast followed by two to three minutes of local news. The two blocks that follow may be filled with content at the producers discretion, but each and every one MUST end with a weather tease so that viewers are constantly aware that their leading local weather is only minutes away.

Meteorologists, on a side note, you guys need to be boosting the weekend forecast on a daily basis, Monday through Friday. Weekend ratings have taken a hit and studies are showing that viewers would rather spend their free days out of the house with family and friends. By regularly promoting the weekend forecast we can remind viewers that we’ll still be here for them on Saturday and Sunday. This will also keep them in state of discontent with their own jobs, seeing us as the one news source willing to give them a desperately needed glimpse into the weekend, the two days out of the week when we don’t have to pretend to be happy.

Now, the most crucial addition to defeating app-based weather reporting is this little red phone. This little beauty is hooked up to a recycled fire alarm so when it rings, it can not be ignored. You will also notice there is no way to make outgoing calls, only a bright red bulb that flashes when call has been placed. The phone is connected to a toll free number that viewers can call whenever they wish to hear the weather, the phone will be active 24/7. Once the phone rings, you are required to break in with a live weather report. Making us the first and only station in the Pensacola area to offer weather anytime the viewers are remotely curious as to what may be happening outside, I’d like to see an app do that!

Jesus, it’s cold!

Kevin Cole

I don’t think you comprehend exactly how cold it is in Washington D.C. Last weekend, the metropolitan region welcomed sub-zero temperatures. This may not seem momentous for residents of northern territories, but it’s detrimental to the poorly hidden tunnel at the base of the Washington Monument that leads straight to hell.

President William Howard Taft engineered the hellhole in 1910. Taft believed tossing children into the depths of hell would help him lose weight, but as with most demonic deals, I added a catch-22. Taft gained such an appetite after sacrificing those kids, he ate twice their weight the following evening. Don’t make deals with the Devil in Washington. Tea Partiers and gun rights activists can’t comprehend this basic rule, but it keeps me well-stocked with edible children, so I can’t complain.

What I will complain about is this godawful cold. My flames have all gone out, and the rivers of blood have turned to ice. That’s right: Hell has frozen over. You people don’t understand what this means. Every time someone says they’ll do something “when hell freezes over,” it goes on a list. Now that the prophecy has been fulfilled, I have to see that each and every single one of those promises comes true.

“When hell freezes over” has become such an overused cliche. I’ve really got my work cut out for me, especially considering the Satanic bylaws: “Every hell-freezes-over promise must occur simultaneously.” This means Tammy’s finally going to go on a date with Frederick, but it will have to happen while he’s eating out his wife’s ass. Most Republicans will get gay-married to their college roommates, while the Democrats will cause irreversible damage to the environment. That stupid phrase has created so much work for me that I’ll need to enlist the help of my hell-hogs, and I think we all know that hell-hogs are capable of flight. I’ll have an even longer list of ultimatums for old people and prudes who are afraid to say “hell” and gambled, in ignorance, on porcine proclivities.

I love chaos as much as the next demon, but this is too much. Jesus Christ, I hope you used some stupid cliche with regard to the second coming.

— Satan

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The Hedgehog Manifesto

Hannah Gutman

Once again, the Germans have ruined everything. I suppose “again” isn’t the right word. The World Wars of the twentieth century weren’t their finest moments, but my feud with the Germans started long before that—with the Germans that immigrated to America, to be precise. Can a feud be one-sided? I only ask because the Germans, without considering the repercussions of their actions, completely discredited the authority of my race. Once revered as prophets, now we are reduced to notoriety in illustrated stationery and YouTube videos.

In the mid-1800’s Klaus, Uta, Helga and all their friends found themselves in the New World. Without homes or livelihoods and finding their lederhosen to be wildly out of fashion, they did their best to bring the Motherland to Pennsylvania. They remained true to their upbringing; they raised their children to work hard, and drink harder. They told the old stories and kept the old ways. According to German lore, each year on February 2nd (or thereabouts) none other than the honorable hedgehog foretold the meteorological fate of the seasons.

A shadow cast by one of my noble ancestors meant at least six more weeks of winter. The tradition goes back even further to the Romans. The Romans believed if a hedgehog stepped out into the moonlight and cast a shadow, winter would carry on. When the German-Americans had polka’d their way to their new homes, there were no hedgehogs to be found. Yeah. That’s what happens when you’re too cheap to check an extra bag. You leave your culture behind. So did the immigrants send Lars to go back and fetch my kind? No. They looked around and plucked the first obese squirrel creature they came across.

What really gets my blood boiling is that pompous con-beast, Punxsutawney Phil. He gets the fame, the festivities, the cameras and fans, all for doing nothing at all. Besides all of that, this furry Kardashian also has his “Inner Circle,” a group of top-hatted, tuxedo-wearing men who take care of him. That’s all well and good, but if you look deeper Phil is into some freaky stuff. His cult following believes that he sips a magic elixir that adds seven years to his life. When he emerges to “predict” the weather he supposedly whispers his forecast to an announcer who can somehow understand the language they call “Groundhogese.” Sounds like these “fans” have some elixir of their own, because all that sounds like a woodland acid trip.

WE are the true weathermen, and yet to this day, Americans across the nation wake up on February 2nd and rush to their TVs to see if an oversized chipmunk has scared itself back into a hole or not. Have you actually seen a groundhog? Not cute. On a scale of zero to Jennifer Lawrence I’d give them a Rasputin. The average human coming across a groundhog outside the context of the holiday is most likely to think, “What the hell is that doing in my kitchen? MOOOOOMMMM!!!!” whereas an encounter with a hedgehog usually results in “ERMAHGERD TOO CUTE. Look at that widdle nosie. Awwww.” Our cuteness cannot be denied, but our cunning is often overlooked. We are born completely immune to snake venom. We can camouflage ourselves by licking a surface and producing foam from our mouths that smells exactly like said surface. We are highly advanced and intelligent creatures. We might even be aliens for all you know. (I’m not saying we’re related to Tribbles…but we might be related to Tribbles).

By far the greatest injustice we hedgehogs have faced at the hands of these land-beavers is the missed opportunity to be eternally associated with the great Bill Murray. Phil gets to work with him, and we get to be illegal to own as pets in the state of California. Groundhog Day is a wonderful film, aside from its glorifying portrayal of the “holiday.” Don’t get me wrong; I am proud to call Sonic my brother, but he’s no Billy Murray.

This February 2nd, when you tune in to that Punxsutawney broadcast or watch Groundhog Day, think of the hedgehogs. Small. Cute. Mighty. With honor we will await the day when the world will look to us once again for guidance. Until then, look for us in Santa hats and flower pots on Tumblr.

The Hedgehog Manifesto was published in The Annual #7. Click here to support The Annual!

Ep. 11.5 – Hypnotic Weathermen

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Episode 11.5 of Marry Me! is now live! Click the picture above to subscribe on itunes.

You can also stream the episode here.

In lieu of a full blown episode, Kevin examines life under hypnosis as he tells the story of that time he did the weather on live television. Cullen and Ghost are present. Where’s Susan? Where’s the Marriage Advice? All is explained in the episode.

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