Tag Archives: Zombies

What Scares Us

As Halloween approaches, I’ve gone back and watched several classic horror films—notably, the Halloween series. While interesting to see how horror films have changed in the past decades, I was not truly scared by anything occurring on-screen. I didn’t go to bed worrying there would be a murderer in my closet; I didn’t double-check the locks to make sure no homicidal maniacs could get in undisturbed. Hell, I even left one leg out from under the covers, even though that guarantees a monster will ooze out from under the bed to devour it!

Americans aren’t as scared of the world as they used to be. We’ve all been desensitized. Off-key piano chords or a ghost jumping out from a wardrobe don’t have the same effect on us as those same tactics did forty years ago. People these days are more worried about healthcare, police brutality and Trump actually getting enough votes to become President!

So I thought: if I were a filmmaker, what could I use that would be truly scary? Something that everyone who went to the theater would be screaming about and cause them to have mental issues after viewing? Based on a study done in 2014, here is a list of things Americans fear:

  • Public Speaking
  • Heights
  • Bugs, snakes,and other animals
  • Drowning
  • Blood, needles
  • Tight, confined spaces
  • Flying
  • Strangers
  • Zombies
  • Darkness
  • Clowns
  • Ghosts

Very few of these have justly been expressed in horror movies to date, so I now pitch the scariest film of all time:

The film opens at the airport. An attractive, single woman is boarding by herself, having just recently broken up with her boyfriend who was cheating on her with her best girlfriends (so now she is lonely and heartbroken, too).

She boards the plane (FLYING), and is seated in the middle seat (TIGHT, CONFINED SPACES) between two attractive men with foreign accents (STRANGERS). As the plane takes off (HEIGHTS), the men tell her more about themselves; one is a CLOWN in a travelling circus, while the other works for the Red Cross and is very pushy in his attempts to get her to become a blood donor (BLOOD, NEEDLES)! As they both begin to ask for more and more donations (CHARITIES), our protagonist excuses herself to go to the restroom.

In the very small (TIGHT, CONFINED SPACES) airplane bathroom, we see a flashback to a young girl, playing by the pool while her mother (MOTHERS) looks on. Suddenly, a traveling door-to-door vacuum salesman (STRANGERS) comes to the door, and the mother goes to talk to him. The girl is on her own, and she can’t seem to remember how to swim! She sinks to the bottom of the deep end…(DROWNING)

She awakens and realizes she must have dozed off in the airplane bathroom (ROOFIES). She quickly composes herself and walks out. She opens the door to discover all the lights are off (DARKNESS). She thinks that it must be dark outside the plane, and the lights have been turned off so others can sleep (INSOMNIA). She begins to see shapes moving about (GHOSTS), and thinks it is just her eyes adjusting to the DARK, as well as other passengers moving about. She struggles to get to her seat.

She gets to her middle seat, only to discover the two men are now ZOMBIES! She fights them off, and now realizes the entire plane is full of ZOMBIES! She gets to the divider between first class and coach, where the flight attendants are huddled scared. They tell her that the only way to stop the ZOMBIES is to use the on board microphone and recite the ancient incantation they accidentally used to summon them; but the trick is, she has to do it with all the ZOMBIES watching her! (PUBLIC SPEAKING!) She gathers her courage, digs deep, and reaches for the microphone. Oh, but did we forget to mention the microphone cord is now a COBRA and the mouthpiece is COVERED IN BUGS and the plane is now just ONE GIANT ALBINO RAT?!  Our heroine no longer cares! She screams, grabs for the microphone and recites the incantation!

She awakens back in her middle seat between the two foreign men, cheerful and talkative as ever, with the sun shining bright outside. All the people from her dream are there, and nothing bad has happened. She reaches into her purse, pulls out her phone, and realizes SHE JUST HAD THAT CRAZY DREAM BECAUSE THERE IS NO FREE WIFI ON THE PLANE!!!!!!!

Credits.

See? Kids these days aren’t scared anymore. Only by threat of taking away their internet and electronic gadgets can we get a rise out of them. There are plenty more sequels where this movie comes from. I’m thinking a cinematic universe combining Apple, Samsung, Google—hell, we might as well get a Microsoft straight-to-HD DVD version in there somewhere. Enjoy it while it lasts, America, because one day you might wake up, and your cell phone signal will only be two-and-a-half bars…

T.M. Scholtes

[Procrastinating Armageddon]

Armageddon

Stephen Craig

Armageddon isn’t going to start itself.  Has anyone noticed that it is June 2014 and we still exist? Weren’t we supposed to go down in 2012? That’s at least what I was expecting, but here we are still on this green earth.   The Mayans specifically requested that the world end, but the majority of people expected something big to happen to take us out.  Well, guess what? IT DIDN’T!!!  Obama is not the antichrist, aliens haven’t come back, and North Korea is all talk.

We need to stop procrastinating and press the restart button ourselves.  We shall allow a new generation of life to grow more prosperous and make more mistakes than we did.  How is this going to happen?  Good question.  If you’re a chickenwuss, quit reading and keep procrastinating. But if you’ve got balls then learn your potential destiny in the next couple examples so we can produce our own Apocalypse.

[Scenario 1: Zombie Town]

For all idiots (like me) who bunkered down with food and weapons for the scheduled Apocalypse.

This radical idea calls for you to pack up everything you have.   I know it’s your life’s savings and no one else can have it, but you’re still reading then you’ve agreed with my opening statement.  Armageddon is not going to start by itself.  So why hold onto it if you’ll never use it?  GREAT question!  No answer.  After you have packed up everything and before heading to Israel you need to stop by your local costume shop or makeup store (Wal-Mart is a good substitute).  This is where you will purchase (or steal since the world is about to end) all the blood and zombie makeup that they have.  Trust me you’ll need it.

Once acquired all shall rendezvous in Israel and start operation Zombie Town.  Disperse all food to the streets drawing in all the famished and all beastly wild creatures.  Cripple everything in sight with your bullets or your baseball bats, keeping in mind not to kill anything yet.  You then cover the crippled specimens in zombie blood or its own guts.  After you have properly created your Zombie Town the food is running out.  Hostile holy groups are on their way in to postpone your Apocalypse and it’s time to defend yourself and your beloved zombie creations.  Cripple and cover what you can, and kill and feed upon the rest.  Fight against all possible odds and hopefully kick start the non-living race.  Job isn’t done until you actually kick start the non-living race and prank the world into its own apocalypse.

[Scenario 2: Persuasive Letters]

For all writers and people with powers of persuasion.

This radical idea calls for all fit and worthy to form an anonymous committee.  You will need to be at a secret headquarters and have an underground way of delivering anonymous information to all the world’s countries.  I would also recommend gathering lethal drugs that taste like strawberries.

Operation Persuasive Letters can now commence.  Write a letter to all the world’s leaders; this includes nation leaders, religious leaders, and others with significant power and/or intelligence.  The job is to convince them all that they are ignorant, unproductive, and most of all, a bunch of tool bags.  Tell them they can’t get anything done.  They may want to save the world, but that’s impossible without a global restart.  Then tell them to quit procrastinating, get off you lazy butt and go ahead and kill yourself.  The only way to get something done is to have the leaders all commit suicide at the same time.  Make it easy on them by providing the lethal drugs with instructions in the letter.

Now if you did Part 1 right, Part 2 should come naturally and with an abundance of entertainment to the committee.  The world is in shock, and without its proper world leaders it’s ready to make mistakes.  Start to write another set of letters insulting the new world leaders and what they stand for.  However instead of sending the letters anonymously, sign them from the other new world leaders.  This should surely piss everybody off and get them to start blaming the first anonymous letters on the same people they received the second letter from.  Job isn’t done until you cue World War III and prank the world into its own Apocalypse.

[Bonus Scenario]

With Obama failing to be the antichrist, Al Gore suspending a hellfire earth by calling attention to global warming, and North Korea being all talk, who is going press the reset button by destroying the planet and making way for the next generation of life.

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