The traffic light at First and Hobart will turn green for thirty seconds this Monday at 10:34 a.m. It will then revert to red for the remainder of the decade. Please plan accordingly.
The courtesy coffee bar at the Quickee Oil on Main St. will be restocked at 3 p.m. this Tuesday when Josh the service technician/janitor is scheduled to finally get off his lazy ass. Large crowds expected. Please plan accordingly.
The semi-annual reopening of our community mass grave is scheduled for Wednesday. “Senior Roundup” begins 6 a.m. sharp. All eligible seniors in dead or near-dead condition must be placed curbside by 6 a.m. for pickup and disposal. Please plan accordingly.
Crazy Town will observe a period of “lawlessness” on Thursday from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. in honor of our founding fathers Kill’em All Kennedy and Stabby-Joe Johnson. Murder and mayhem expected, vigilante justice encouraged. Please plan accordingly.
The pickup/drop off helicopter pad at Sunnybrook Elementary will be closed for the Elk’s club annual hip-hop dance party and laser light show on Friday afternoon. Parents of students, please plan accordingly.
The Crazy Town Event Center will host the Erotic Bonsai and Lewd Quilt Expo this Saturday. Commencement ceremony begins at 9 a.m. to be followed by a parade of the exhibits through historic downtown. Surrounding roads will be closed to through traffic until 2 p.m. Please plan accordingly.
The lawn at Podunk Park will be closed this Sunday for the second coming of demigod Zuul, as prophesied by our Lord and Savior Rick Moranis. Tiny Tot soccer practice will be held at the Golden Horizon Assisted Living Facility. Residents of the Golden Horizon Assisted Living Facility will be held in the corral at Old Man Hornaby’s Petting Zoo and Pony Rides. Please plan accordingly.
A friendly reminder: residential streets are subject to repaving at the mayor’s whim. All cars, personal items, pets and persons left on the street during the hours of said whim will be paved over without exception. Please plan accordingly.