The Annual’s Annual Back to School Checklist!

School’s back in session and you don’t want your child to enter the world of learning unprepared, so go over this handy list of must-haves before they leave the house.

  • Number two pencils
  • Lunch box
  • Three ring binders
  • A bucket of goat blood
  • A composition notebook
  • 5 unused candles
  • A packet of travel tissues
  • Safety scissors
  • A safety lighter
  • Websters pocket dictionary
  • An open mind
  • A copy of Magick in Theory and Practice by Aleister Crowley
  • College rule paper
  • Crayons
  • Party sparklers
  • Grandpa’s robe
  • A positive attitude!

Kevin Cole

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We Promise Not To Go Down Until We Uncover The World’s Greatest Sex Scandal

Yesterday an internet giant fell as we collectively gave GAWKER a fond farewell. Of course, this really depends on where you stood in relation to GAWKER: if they outed you or published your sex tape, maybe it wasn’t such a fond farewell. For the rest of us, we stood in silent respect as the site went out with a literal bang.

Here at The Annual we promise to deliver our own demise in the same manner as GAWKER, to uncover a sex scandal so big that it shuts down our own site. Seriously, we are dedicated to bringing laughs, biting satire and interviews with up and coming comedic forces to our readers. High-profile sex is the furthest thing from our radar, when celebrity Ps land in celebrity Vs (or other Ps) it’s our policy to stay out of their business. But what should happen if that scandal makes its way over to our radar? That’s when we unleash the play by plays, the safe for work editions, the street corner bootlegs, the virtual reality recreations. We will light that flare in one final attempt to make a name for ourselves and we will go out with it.

It’s the internet-publishers oath that all things shan’t be unseen and while some of our material may be an exception to this rule, the sex scandal that shutters our shop will not. We have no intention of closing down the site anytime soon, but trust that when we do it will be because millions cannot unsee Brad Pitt’s triple butthole or Judd Apatow in a compromising position with Paul Rudd in a bear suit (à la The Shining).

Kevin Cole
Editor-in-Chief

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This week on The Last Hurrah: ACTUALLY Saying Goodbye to Nicky Costanza

DON’T MISS Free Comedy at the Maryland Ensemble Theatre this Sunday at 7pm

Last week’s Hurrah was greeted with a very light crowd of old friends, so we took the select few who came out to dinner. It simply would not have been a fitting farewell for one of New Jersey’s greatest comics, Nicky Costanza. For a couple of bucks we talked him into staying in Frederick for one more weekend. So come on out to The Last Hurrah as say goodbye to this great comedian/ice cream reviewer on Sunday August 28th at 7pm.

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THINK TIME! Ryan Lochte Should Be Exiled

Olympic gold medalist Ryan Lochte has been under intense scrutiny for the past week following false claims that he had been robbed at gunpoint. Lochte is downplaying the incident on various news programs, stating that he “over-exaggerated” an event which never occurred.

“I over-exaggerate all the time,” Lochte told Matt Lauer of The Today Show, “I flew home from Rio a few nights ago, but that didn’t stop me from telling my friends that I swam back. See, just another classic Lochte-exaggeration!” But few are buying the 32 year old’s defense. Many are debating how the false claims should be handled. Will Ryan Lochte be tried in an international court? Will he be stripped of his medals and banned from competition?

I think the most fitting punishment is that which has not yet been suggested, that Ryan Lochte be forced to live out his remaining days in exile. The olympian should be allowed to keep his medals as a reminder of the life and future he once had. Armed with his medals and a fair supply of food and water, Lochte will be dropped off in a remote section of the Nevada desert. There he may dream of water but never swim within it, unless he is able to discover a cavernous river beneath the rocks. There, he will spend the remainder of his life, gaining both a newfound perspective on life and an impressively long beard.

For decades, local children will tell tales of “Old Hermit Lochte” but few will venture out to see him. Those that do, if Ryan has learned not to take humanity for granted, will learn to swim in the cavernous rivers beneath the state and there, they will become stronger than any swimmer to come before him. Having let go of his pride, Old Hermit Lochte will award his gold medal to the child. Only then will he be permitted to return to society.

Kevin Cole

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Right To Life: A Prayer for the Olympians

Holy Father,

As these Summer Games come to a close, we lift our prayers to your almighty kingdom.

That  you shall guide all competitors of pure and good heart to victory.

That those who practice promiscuity within the hallowed grounds of the Olympic Village find everlasting love with their partners so that they may bring new life to this world.

Let their condoms fill to bursting so that sperm may swim with the speed and grace of Michael Phelps to a new home within a mother’s womb.

Let your most beautiful creation, the mosquito, fly swift and fast to bear the gift of Zika to all impregnated.

May you, with the help of our earthly father Marco Rubio, pass new legislation so that all creatures born of Zika will be safe. Let Zika be welcome here as a safeguard for all children.

Lord, let your holy virus spread until all know its love and the scourge of Planned Parenthood is forever banished.

In your name we pray,

Amen.

National Right to Life

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This Sunday On The Last Hurrah – Robbing Ryan Lochte!

Perhaps the most talked about event from the summer games has been Ryan Lochte’s 5,000 mile dash out of Rio. So this Sunday, when The Last Hurrah brings their free comedy to Frederick, MD, they’ll also bring an in depth look at the robbery of Ryan Lochte. Should he have his medals stripped? Tried in an international court? We’ll look at really happened that day, move over Dan Brown because the newest champions of historical fiction have come to town!

Also, don’t miss stand-comic Nicky Costanza’s final performance on The Last Hurrah stage! The fun starts this Sunday (Aug 21) at 7pm at the Maryland Ensemble Theatre!

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Five Unbelievable Facts That You Simply Won’t Believe

1. Most cars can be powered by corn alone

Perhaps you have noticed a shift towards gasoline that includes a percentage of Ethanol, a chemical compound partially derived from corn. Automotive companies have been under increasing pressure by oil lobbyists to cover up the fact that most modern cars can run efficiently on only a few ears of corn. In order to hide this, gas pipes have been restrained to a circumference that would only allow small pieces of baby corn to pass through.

2. David Schwimmer cannot swim

Contrary to his own namesake, Friends actor David Schwimmer has never been able to swim. A set PA for friends once described the infamous beach episode as the worst day of Schwimmer’s life. “He’s afraid of the water, wouldn’t even let his feet get wet.” the PA remarked, asking to remain anonymous, “The man spent the entire taping under a beach towel in a fetal position.”

3. Every “Bill Murray” twitter account is actually run by Bill Murray

Bill Murray is notoriously hard to get a hold of, he has no agent, no manager and chooses projects via a 1-800 number. Many believe he has avoided social media altogether, but sources working for Twitter confirm that every Bill Murray “parody” account is coming from the same IP Address. Twitter support has reached out to Murray on numerous occasions in an attempt to get these accounts verified but he won’t return their calls.

4. Lava is the coldest substance known to man

For decades scientists have led us to believe that Lava is unbearably hot, this is backed up by the popular belief that red=fire and if Lava were frigid, it would be ethereal blue. Consider this: The hottest flame is blue, so perhaps blue isn’t synonymous with the cold. The simple fact is that people don’t know lava is cold because they are too afraid of catching fire to touch it, and they are right to be afraid as lava is made from a unique chemical compound that will freeze a human being from the inside out.

5. Baseball is no longer the national pastime

No matter how often the phrase is said, it has been years since anyone played Baseball as it was intended when named the “National Pastime.” The original sport of Baseball used one base and, as was common in 1873, only white men could play. Players would use rubber mallets to bat leather balls at the man standing on home plate (the only base) until he was struck hard enough to collapse, players would then race to steal the base, often hitting one another with their mallets to gain domination. Times sure have changed.

Kevin Cole

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